What Doesn't Kill Us...

God works in mysterious ways... it is so difficult so understand his intentions while living in the moment but through each trial he still leads us through. if God brings you to it he will bring you through it. that single saying has given me more strenght than i could have ever imagined. becuase of that alone i believe that each experience truly makes us stronger and more ready to deal with tomorrow.

A Lot Can Happen In a Month

A lot has been happening in my life over the past month or so.  First, my computer had broken so that is why I haven’t updated in awhile.  I recently purchased a new laptop it is pretty awesome.  I am very happy with it so far.  Anyhow, the events of this month and the results of each event have been very significant.  A couple weeks ago I came down with H1N1 and somehow got a bad secondary infection both of which almost killed me.  I wasn’t able to leave my room for over ten days.  It really was the most sick I had ever been.  It took two doctor offices, a emergency room and a dentist to finally understand fully how to get me back to health.  I’d like to point out that I do not have health insurance.  Needless to say then is that getting sick cost me well over $1000 in doctor bills and medicine alone, not to forget to mention the two weeks pay I missed at work.  America and its health insurance system is probably the most bogus ass backwards, legal robbery system that I can think of.  $250 to walk into a doctor office? Are you kidding me?  Like I totally understand doctors wanting to make money after all they went through to get that title but wouldn’t it make a little more sense to drop your prices for those without insurance at least to something more reasonable?  You can still collect tons from insurance companies.  I don’t know.  Whatever… in a word that experience sucked. 

Then, Matt finally ended up leaving to Florida.  He drove to Virginia put himself and his truck on a train and arrived in Florida safely. While I am proud of him for getting out of this town and starting his life off, it sucks knowing he is so far away.  Even while he was at college if we wanted to get together it was only a three hour drive but now its a little more intense.  I just have a feeling I am going to miss my best friend more and more as time goes on.  Just going to have to deal with that in my own way I guess.  All the guys and myself did pitch in for an xbox as a going away present.  That way we can all play games together online and still talk a lot.  So, that will be good. 

Next, I decided that I wasn’t happy how I was living my life.  For the past few years I have forgotten about me.  I haven’t done much that made me happy.  I have been busy trying to please other people.  I had thought that if the people around me were happy because of things I would do I, in return would be happy.  I was wrong.  Looking back over the past 1-2 years I lost what made me so strong.  I lost the defining qualities that made me who I was back in college.  I lost the person that I was happy with, the person that I saw looking back at me in the mirror and was proud to see.  Realizing these things was a lot harder than it seems but now that I have.  My temperament and demeanor have changed.  My outlook on life and what I want out of it has changed.  I wouldn’t say that I have the exact take on life as I did a few years ago.  But based on that outlook I can see a lot more clearly.  That outlook is… watch out for ME, live each day for ME (and God), do what makes ME happy, and then everyone else.  I honestly do not care if that sounds selfish because I realized that is how 99% of people are anyhow.  If you look at yourself and your actions you are most certainly the exact same way.  You can say no Rob you are wrong I am in that 1% but i find that highly doubtful.  You see the things you do how you want to see them.  But to someone like me who is somewhat jaded I can find the meaning behind what your actual intent had been. 

Then came Christmas.  Probably the weirdest Christmas I have had to date.  Matt was in Florida, parents are split.  Yeah definitely weird.  So, my dad and I still ended up going to New Hampshire to meet up with some of his extended family.  In the past, Christmas in New Hampshire with them was the high light of each year.  Unfortunately the Christmas scene has changed there.  Some of the family isn’t really able to make it out anymore; having growing families of there own and a bunch of little kids now making it difficult to travel.  So, I totally understand.  However, it just kind of sucks to see this change go on.  Usually, I am good with change but not with this.  I love these people more than anything and in the past few years sometimes we will only see each other once a year.  It is a total bummer.  Anyhow, so only three families were able to make it out for Christmas.  Though, almost everyone did show up for a day the day I had to leave for work.  At least I got to see everyone for an hour or two before I had to leave.  The shitty part though is that this was probably the one time this year I will see everyone.  I mean it is what it is… I hope we are able to find a way to make this situation better.  I pray. 

So, this month has been filled with ups and downs… mostly downs.  But it also has been enlightening.  A lot can happen in a month and it sure has.  Hopefully, the bad stuff is behind me and this new year has more to offer than 2009 which kind of blew. 

Back To Me

So, in recent months I really haven’t been the person I want to be. Some where along the way I changed from who I was…the defining qualities have seemed to fade. I have let myself slip in many ways. I recently have been trying to reinvent myself. I know I need something different in my life; the problem is determining what it is. My reinventing myself I don’t only mean changing the things I do to different things… I mean the way that I think and come to conclusions, the way I deal with problems, the way I feel about important things in my life including what those important things are and most importantly becoming someone who I want to be.

Reaching Your Peak

You know how everyone peaks at some point in their lives? Lately I have been feeling as if I have peaked and now everything else from here on out will be down hill. High school was decent and I definitely did not peak during my four years their. My potential was not even close to reached. Community College was slightly better but it wasn’t until living in Danbury for three years that I believe I may have reached my “peak”. College at Westconn opened me up to the world and everything that it had to offer. I took full advantage of every opportunity that was thrown at me. I was living large and having a blast. Everything was going my way and I was able to create my own happiness. Which is truly the key to a successful life. You need to know what makes you happy and how to attain those things. Without this double threat we are continuously searching for more and more. What is more and more? To me, more is… more out of life…we keep looking for something that could make us happy but the fact is 99.9% of people know what makes them happy but don’t go for it for a variety of reasons. Which I will not get into. Anyhow, I know what makes me happy and I plan on going after it all and forgetting about the “reasons” not to. I feel like I need to start a new chapter of my life and being again. I need to peak again at this time in my life and once I peak… start over new again and again. Always peeking and even settling for anything less than that peak. Peaking as I have called it is more or less settling mental, and emotional goals for myself. At least on ‘paper’ this sounds like a good idea and I think I am going to spend some time thinking about this more and putting it into some sort of action.

Priorities

Lately I have been feeling that I am way to nice of a person in like all situations that perhaps I shouldn’t be. I am too forgiving, too laid back and accepting. I need to start throwing caution away and doing what I want regardless of the outcome for other people. Yeah that sounds selfish I know. Every now and then everyone is selfish and I never am it is my turn to start doing a little more taking and a little less giving. Though, I have zero idea how to even put this plan into action and even while I was writing this I didn’t believe it. So, whatever who knows. I need to change something though. I need to transform back to the mentality I had when I was like 19-20. I just didn’t give a shit. Maybe that is the easiest solution…simply stop caring about certain things.

A Lonely Night

When staring at the ceiling on a lonely night
Trying to keep my thoughts controlled with all my might
Skipping one then on to the next
Seems to me my life must be hexed

The window cracked open
The cool air rushing in
Thousands of stars in the sky
Just as many questions, I ask myself why?

The moon light bright
Things appear now that I have the gift of sight
Shadows stretch across the wall
Does life have any meaning at all?

To love, to hate
The people we meet, is it fate?
I don’t know if I believe
Since all things someday leave

Today, tomorrow or at the end of it all
Even the strongest will someday fall
So let's make the best of it
If the piece doesn't fit

It doesn't have to be precise
Merely nothing in this world is perfect and nice
Flip it over, turn it around
The right fit will be found


...wrote that back in 2003...

Lack Of Holiday Spirit

This is usually my favorite time of the year. I love fall. I love the chilly air and the crisp cool nights. Looking forward to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. For the past handful of years I have been genuinely happy during these few months. Though, this year I already feel a sense of depression. Not the kind of depression that won’t let you get out of bed in the morning. Just that feeling that seems to follow you around and slightly damper your mood. Sits on your shoulders and weights you down slowly. I am pretty sure I know what it is… in fact I believe it is a few different things that have unfortunately come together this fall/holiday season. To begin, my brother is like my best friend in the entire world. We have been through so much together probably more than average siblings. And while sometimes we don’t get along I love him more than anything. Though, this year he has decided that when he finishes school in December he is immediately moving to Florida. I know that we are growing up and all but it is just difficult and saddening to know he will be so far away. On the same level… with my parents split or whatever the whole family thing has seemed to disappear. I don’t know I am slightly afraid for the first time in my life I could wake up on Christmas and not have any family around. I guess that will depend on some other factors though. My family usually goes to New Hampshire for a family reunion for Christmas though the past few years it has been iffy whether or not we are going to continue this tradition. Right now I think that some of the family will be meeting there but with Christmas failing on a Friday I have to work on Christmas and the two days following it. So, unless people travel to New Hampshire Tuesday or Wednesday before Christmas I have a decent shot of possibly only seeing my mom or dad or even neither depending on circumstances. On top of all that drama / hell this will be my first Christmas season since I was 18 (so six years ago) to not have a girl in my life to spend time with or celebrate / give gifts to. I don’t know why that bothers me so much because hopefully it won’t be like this forever, but I usually really get into the holiday spirit and all. So, with all of these things combining I am actually feeling slightly down. I don’t know what I can do to proactively make it better for myself but hopefully in the end it somehow all works out.

Begin Again

I am thinking that I need to take my own advice and start again from scratch. I have been thinking more and more lately that I want to get out of Connecticut, that I need to go somewhere and find a really good job and begin again. Connecticut is a wasteland as far as the job market for my desired profession. I don’t know really what to do. It is a very tough decision. Everything I know and have is in Connecticut and New England. Not only is it tough but it is kind of scary; picking up and starting over somewhere that you don’t know anyone and don’t have family around. However, when that crosses my mind I try and think of what is actually keeping me here. The only thing that even makes any sense is comfort. That I am comfortable with my surroundings and the area. I know what to expect. So, I don’t know…this is something I am sure that I will be writing about this more…

A Brand New Start

I wrote this about the girl who got away. I made some really poor decisions a few years ago and to this day they haunt my mind. Even if it can never be reversed my heart will always be on my sleeve.

Your smile was like an autumn sunset
Just as beautiful as the day we first met
You looked at me with the most gorgeous eyes
Big and brown they gave me butterflies
Your love was unlike anything I have ever known
A love that I had never been shown
When I told you I loved you it came from my heart
It was true love from the very start
That first night that I held your hand
I believed one day you would wear my wedding band
We had been through a very lot
Believe me all of those things I have never forgot
In the middle of the night you'd wake me to get you a drink
Across a room we'd look at each other and give a blatant wink
One time I asked you to dance outside your car
Another I was a 1000 miles away but really you weren't far
You gave me a piece of your most prized possession
I remember one time we teamed up in a greek council session
One night we laid in bed slightly upset
Because we found out you weren't pregnant
These memories are the highlight of my life
Since without you its been nothing but strife
You brought my whole world together
On my worst day your love made it all better
God as my witness in heaven above
I wish I did more to show you my love
I struggle here today to let you know
That the times we shared together I never let go
And also you were more to me than any friend
Whose relationship I would do anything to mend
I hope you can find it in your heart
To begin again, a brand new start

...hope is all I have to find a love like this...

These Things Happen

So, I am in some kind of rut. I do not feel the way I use to and the things I do do not seem to make me as happy as they use to. Things are changing. Always changing, which I guess is good because hopefully at one point the change that occurs will bring me happiness. It is just that I am not content with a lot of stuff in my life. I want to move out, pay off debt, get a different car, find a girl that wants to have a meaningful relationship and probably a million other things. While some of these are possible I just need some kind of head start. My current job is sufficient for living pay check to pay check, but it isn't enough to make my life worth while in the long run. I need nypd or some other agency to come through soon. On the other hand my brother is moving to Florida next month and after he gets settled down there I am going to go down for a week or two and do the job search thing down there. I know that the pay isn't what officers get paid up here but I do need to get my foot in the door somewhere... so that is an option. At any rate... for the time being I am going to continue doing what I am doing and getting by. I just pray that something comes along that makes me a little more happy and content with what I do have. Well it is what it is. These things happen.

Because Of Him

So, my life has been scattered with instances when I should have passed away. A number of car accidents and other things…usually not my fault. Though, recently I had my first (and hopefully last) accident that was my fault. I fell asleep while driving down one of the worst roads in Oxford. My car suffered immensely, though I barely have a scratch. My friend Jeff called me the day after to see how I was doing and besides the fact that my car needs major repairs I am well. In fact since speaking with him I feel like a brand new man. He said to me, “ dude your guardian angel is working real hard for you, for some reason”. He said this knowing some of the past “close encounters” I have had. This statement really opened my eyes… not immediately but after thinking about what he said for the rest of the day I realized he is completely right. I have been through some stuff that I shouldn’t have lived through, I have been unharmed when I should have been really badly injured. I do not know what God’s plan is for me and I have no idea why he wants me on this earth but the few times these things have happened to me it would have been real easy for him to take me away.

This being said, I realize now more than ever that I have to make my stay here on earth worth while. I need to do something bigger than myself. I need to do what he wants me to do. Whatever that is and while I don’t exactly understand my calling yet I also know that he will lead me to it. My faith is stronger than ever. I can count my blessings and be grateful for everything in my life. He has given me more than I ever could ask for. I do not need anything but his grace and whatever else I get in this life is just a bonus.

It is just another one of those mysterious ways that God works. It really is true that if God brings you to it he’ll bring you through it. I know that even means death. Though, throughout my life he hasn’t wanted to bring me through that yet. But when he does… I know where I will be, because of him.

Being Blessed

I spent a lot of time with my dad today. He ended up not having therapy on Thursday this week (he had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago). So, he took me to until at this new place that opened up a few miles away. It has a nice country bar feel to it. However, I didn’t drink. Then I came back to camp and did a little writing by myself while my dad was out with a friend. They came back and asked if I wanted to go to the American Legion with them. I recently became a Son of the Legion which is pretty cool because my dad was in Viet Nam. Anyhow, we ended up going and just hung out with a bunch of local people my dad has become friends with. It was good to get to know some people around here. Everyone was very nice and welcoming. After an hour or two of hanging out and talking we came back to the camp to do some fishing. It was probably the first time in two or three years I have been out on the water with my dad. We didn’t catch too much but it was still good to get out there and talk a little. Now, it is around midnight and we have spent the last few hours watching post-season baseball…a easy going night.

The last three days and nights at the lake have been really great. I have gotten a lot of different kinds of writing done. I am proud of what I have accomplished here. I kind of wish I had internet only so I could post all of my blogs or whatever in a timeline basis. Oh well though they all are going to be posted in the timeline they were written. These few days off from work and people… my normal life has been exactly what I needed to straighten out my head. To care more about what matters, to forget things that don’t, to realize that there are things in life that we all take for granted, and to try and change my life so that I can appreciate all that the Lord has blessed me with. Because there are hundreds if not thousands of things everyday, big and small, that we should consider as blessings. I suggest that everyone take some time even if it is just a few minutes to look at your lives and realize all the great things that you have, thanks to the Lord.

Mysterious Ways

God works in mysterious way. He answers our prayers and sometimes we don’t notice because we are looking for a direct result to the before mentioned prayer. I think that God hears our prayers and doesn’t necessarily give us exactly what we want. For he knows what is best for us. He does answer them though…in a way that he knows will benefit us. We may ask him for one thing or another and we may not get what we originally wanted. However, more times than not he has answered our prayer by changing something so that we don’t need it, forget it, or it becomes irrelevant to us. God really does have our best intensions in mind. If we are just able to sit back and look at our lives we can literally count the blessings he has brought us. The thing is that we usually don’t realize what is happening because if we don’t see a direct result we think our prayers have gone unanswered. I say this for myself and everyone else… take some time to look at your past life and notice all the ways God has worked miracles. They are there… you just have to find them. They wont always be blatant. God works in mysterious ways.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has always come easy to me. I look at the good side of almost every situation and also at the good in people…maybe too often or too quickly, I don’t know. However, I feel that everyone is entitled a second shot or even more if necessary. It is in my nature to try and alleviate situations that bring me sadness or some type of discomfort. I do not like holding grudges especially with the people I love and care about. Throughout my life I can come up with many times where I was extremely hurt or saddened by something a close friend or family member did to me. If that person apologized sincerely then I would forgive them right away… and even sometimes without an apology. See, I believe it is better to move on and learn from the situation rather than to dwell on it and have it constantly be with me. I want peace at heart and piece of mind. If everything and everyone in my life is doing well then I am doing well. Holding back on forgiveness just brings misery to me. The part of all of this that is most troublesome is that usually this outlook is not shared when I have wronged someone. Believe me I have said sorry a lot…most likely more than people have said it to me. The thing is when I screw up it usually is something pretty awful. Maybe it’s the severity to blame for my apologizes not being excepted. I do not know why I do these things that are so destructive to myself. Though, I don’t know…I would accept an apology from anyone for almost anything if it was deep from their heart…true and sincere. I hope that people can begin to see the world the way I do… That such things as being bitter, holding grudges, and having distaste only bring you down; whether you know it or not. So, why not forgive and move on? Now, I am not saying forgive and forget…they are two completely different things. Forgetting would only be counter productive with how I see things. If you remember all the situations that have led others to hurting you, you yourself can learn from them. You can take something good from the wrong that happened. Don’t ever forget what has happened… remember it and remember it well. Doing so when done for the right reasons will make you a better person. A more complete person. Forgive but never forget.

My Desicions

Someone today told me that you have to make your own choices and you have to let others make theirs. That hit home because I am tried of trying to please other people. While that seems simple…it really isn’t. I feel awful when I don’t meet the expectations people have for me. It is like I am always looking for approval or something from someone. So, from this day on I am going to do what I think I should be doing. Whether right or wrong…hopefully right because I am sick of wrong. But maybe the reason I am always finding myself down and out is because of how my choices have been influenced by others. I don’t know either way but…maybe. So, I am going to try and stricken outside influences from my decision making…when it comes to my life.

Time Away From The Normal

Waking up today was wonderful. I woke up with the crisp clean mountain air. The geese where apparently still out on the lake and I could feel the chill that surrounded me. The fire from the night had gone out but I could still smell the smokiness of the pine. The cabin floor was cool yet refreshing and a got up to start the day. Today I plan to write some more of my book and spent the day reflecting on the good things of my life and realizing its times like this that I live for. I am sitting in the cabin all alone now because my dad went back to Connecticut and the closest person to me is probably a mile or more away. After Labor Day weekend this place really shuts down. The lake is empty, not even a single fishing boat or people paddling around. The surrounding camps and cottages are vacant until Memorial Day. This is much different from what I am use to. I am usually surrounded by my friends and trying to be the life of the party. But getting away and being completely alone is what I needed. I haven’t been up here during the fall in years. I spent one night up here two years ago in late fall with a few of my fraternity brothers but it wasn’t like this. It was the usually life scene just different setting, if that makes sense. Getting away from myself and my norm is what I needed.

Little Things

The little things in life are what make it worth living. Now “little things” are different for everyone. Joy comes from so many different avenues. It also depends on where we are at a specific time in our life. Little things are such as a good football game, hearing your favorite song on the radio, hanging out with your best friend, looking at a beautiful sun rise or sunset, looking up at the sky on a dark night and realizing there are more stars in the sky than you will ever be able to count. These little things bring slight bit of joy to our days. They make the dull, monotonous times in our life worth while. We have the little surprises to look forward to.

The little things are the moments I look forward to most. Today I decided to take a break from my life to try and enjoy a little time alone. Time to appreciate the things in life that make it worth living. At least from my perspective. I drove the three hours to our cabin in upstate New York to try and relax. I was absolutely whipped out after working and then coming straight here. I turned off my cell phone and laid down in the bunk bed I have spent so many summer nights and passed out. It was the most relaxing nap I have taken in a long time. I didn’t have people calling me, or wanting to hang out, video games or internet to distract me in any way. I have spent the day just hanging out throwing a couple casts into the water. I watched a few flocks of Canadian geese hundreds strong come squawking in and land on the lake…which I have always liked but particularly enjoyed it today… for the rest of the night I am going to watch Monday night football, sitting by a fire with my Dad and call it a early-ish night. A few simple little things that have begun to clear my head. I was able to appreciate a few things today that I haven’t gotten the chance to enjoy in a long while. This is exactly what I needed.

Can Unconditional Love Strike Twice?

I have known love twice in my life. The first was when I was young and immature, but definitely in love. I was 21 years old dating a girl who was 18. We had been together for two years and I would have done anything for her. She was quiet literally my entire world. Eventually and unfortunately that love started to fade. I felt that I was putting more into the relationship and she didn’t want to make a stronger effort; even though we talked about it several times. We didn’t break up however until I met a new girl. She went to the same school as I did and we hit it off from the start. The problem was that we were both in relationships. I wanted to be with her relatively quickly and realized I needed to break up with my first love. I did this thinking that she would also break up with her significant other for me. She did eventually but it took a little while longer than I expected. Anyhow, once we were together I realized that she was the perfect girl for me and I had never been so happy. She was slightly older than me and much more mature than my past love. Everything was going great. I moved in with her over the summer until school began and when it did I got a part-time job working with her. It really was straight out of a love story how everything fell in place for us. As the year went on I began taking on new responsibilities and life got a little crazy for awhile. Though, we ended up getting through it. At one point I took the train to New York City and looked at engagement rings at Tiffany’s. Soon after this graduation was nearing for me and I still had no idea what I truly wanted to do with my life. I was scared…I was overwhelmed… I panicked. I found any little reason to start a fight with her…I wanted out because to be honest I knew if I stayed with her we would get married. While that was something I definitely wanted…at the time it freaked me out because I was closing a chapter of my life I wasn’t sure I wanted to end. I wanted to still have freedom and friends and the college experience. It all hit me at once and I made the worst decision of my life. I broke up with her. I tried to grab onto the innocence of college life still and wanted to be a part of it all. I was 23 years old and started dating someone who was 18. I let go of love…I let go of who I was…I let go of everything that made me happy, to cling to that immature existence I so desperately wanted. I wish I could take it back… I was given the opportunity…twice. She was willing to forgive me…to take me back. But I still wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to be a man or the person I should have been from the start. I failed. I once knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally…God willing lighting will strike twice.

Something More

So, I have decided that I have to do something to better myself. I have been looking to do this for awhile, though I have been thinking it was reaching my career goals. What I have realized is that there are things I can do right away with my lifestyle that will make me a more complete person. The first is attending church again. I do not necessarily believe that organized religion can “fix” my life, but I do believe if I surround myself with people that have a similar belief system it will benefit me. That maybe I can start doing things that matter for others. Volunteering and helping out in the community. At this point in my life…I work, hang out with friends and sleep. Not much else. It really isn’t too fulfilling. I need something more to be happy…maybe this is the answer. Regardless of how it turns out I am going to start going to my old church… Calvary evangelical free church in Trumbull. If anyone would like to join me I would like the company. Next week I am going to ask my dad if he would like to start going on a regular basis with me. Just something he and I could do together and spend a little bit more time doing something constructive.

Next, and for me this is the big one. I am going to quit drinking altogether…indefinitely. I say “big one” because honestly each group of friends I have go out drinking at a minimum of once a week… Sigma Chi’s, Oxford crew, work buddies. So, this is going to take more will power than I may have. Hence, the going to church and seeking a greater strength from Christ. The reason I am doing this is because I lose my cool increasingly more often when I have had a few too many. I am sick of doing stupid things that I regret in the morning. I need a change, a huge change in lifestyle and I believe that this is the answer…for who knows how long. I plan on doing this in a few ways because I realize it is going to be difficult, not because I crave alcohol but because its what everyone partakes in socially. Those ways are first finding a new way to relieve stress… this one is easy…running …gives me the same “good feeling”. I am going to find some 5k races and hopefully work my way up. The next is always being the designated driver for my buddies. Whenever they want to go out I will offer to drive them around and just hang out. That way I can still be social and not have an urge to join in…because I will be responsible for getting everyone home safely. And, the last is that strength from God’s blessing.

I have already begun the sobriety. And, either this Sunday or next I will begin attending church services. I hope that these two things combined give me the “something more” I am looking for in my life.

At A Turning Point

I find myself getting less and less stable. I need something in my life that gives me some emotional stability. I look to the Lord constantly for advice and I know he is watching over me and blessing my life with what I do have. Though, there is something still missing. It is eating away at me. I often push away the people that mean the most to me and I can not find a reason. I do it then regret it and yet I think it was a good thing for some reason. I know that that doesn’t make much sense but that’s the way I feel. I do not know what to do some times and I lose myself to my temper and emotions. It truly is something I need help on and I pray that God will somehow help me find a way to straighten myself out. I can think of a hundred reasons for my problems. Though, I refuse to blame anything but myself. It is me that brings on my own pain. No excuses. It is my own doing that screws my life up and I need to be the one to bring it back together. I am lost right now… I do not know what to do to attain this. I think more and more each day that I just need to get away and start over. I need to do something with my life that I can be proud of. That’s why more of me everyday believes I should just enlist now and start a new chapter of my life sooner than later. I don’t want to be so far gone in a year that I no longer care. That I no longer care enough about my own future to make the right choices. The next few days, maybe weeks will be crucial in determining the rest of my life.

Never Give Up

So, I am about four months into my job with Andrew's International and the United Bank of Switzerland and I already want something better. I need more out of life. I need something that I like doing as well as feel makes a difference in this world. While I like my current job, no one really feels an impact from the work I put into it. Anyhow, I am writing today to help bind myself into something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I am giving myself 9-12 months to find a career, not just a job, with something that I can be exremely proud of. Whether that be with a police force or some type of government agency. If by this time next year I haven't found something along those lines I will be enlisting in the armed forces. I have already spoken with a rescuiter twice. The branch I am most interested in is the Air Force. I would be enlisting to be an officer because I have a degree. There are a few different types of officer I am interested in and depending on my test scores/background investigations/and what they need... once I narrow it down I will be more certain which field I would like to pursue. By doing this I will gain a lot of life experience I otherwise would get and it will build my resume for when my time is up. The reason for my waiting to take this path is mainly two fold. First, I want to do something that makes an impact for the greater good and those I love. And second, I feel that it will set my life up for the future. The type of career I want would come a lot easier with a military background. If I have to set that goal aside for a few years then so be it because to me achieving that goal (no matter when) is most important. So, until this time next year I am going to strive to achieve my goal in whatever may I can manage. I will never give up whether it comes tomorrow or 10 years from now. Goals are meant to be attained and I will certainly do that.

Follow Your Heart

With great risk comes great reward...or failure.

I have realized that I need to find someone that has the same mentality as I do. I need someone who doesn't always take the easy road, someone who listens to their heart. What I mean is that too many people will not follow their hearts desire for one reason or another. Too many people won't take a leap down some road because they can't see where it goes. I like the saying "it's okay to hold your heart higher than your head". I find myself doing this probably all the time when it comes to relationships. Maybe thats why they haven't worked out, but maybe thats why I have had a few pretty long relationships. I do not know. I do know one thing...and that is I would have regrets if I didn't follow my heart. It is okay to listen to your heart... it might not always be easy or comfortable. However, if it works out the rewards are great. Finding happiness is your hearts work... let it lead you.

Fear Of Change Is Fear Of Living

Change is a good thing though it seems to me that many people are afraid of doing things differently. People want to live in the past and never escape the fear of change. Painting pictures of the past. By saying this I mean that if we keep living in the past we can not change our lives. We stay idol. If you are afraid of change you can not live your life. If you are stuck in the past you can not live in the present and don't have much hope for a future.

Life Right Now

This summer has seemed to have pasted me by. The past three months have been unlike any other period in my life. Up until last week I was working a minimum of 64 hour weeks; finally I am on a set 40 hour work week. My work week is friday 3pm and I get off Monday at 7am. This schedule has its ups and downs. I miss out of a lot of weekend opportunities but I do get a solid 4 days off each week. Last month I was also promoted to shift supervisor, while the pay is only a dollar more an hour, the real benefit is being able to put it on my resume for a future job.

This is the first time in my life I am making enough money to support myself fully and while that is empowering I feel like life has taken a downgrade in enjoyment. It is setting in more than ever that I am almost 25 years old, out of college, and in the real world. I have some real tough life choices to make. I am afraid of making a wrong decision and hurting myself for the future. Though, I keep coming back with the thought that we only live once and we have to make the most of it before life passes us by. So, the question is...how do I find happiness that will last? I wish I was able to answer that question with some certainty, however the fact is that I do not know the answer at all. All, I can think of doing is living for today and seeing what tomorrow brings when I get there.

Though, I didn't go on vacation, or have many days off, or even go to the beach much, summer was good in a different way than usual. What I mean is I got very close to 3 of my fraternity brothers. These guys have become closer than family to me. Coelho, Jason, Pace I love you guys its been awesome and I hope our bond grows stronger still. I believe it will. I also, met a few new people and formed friendships that I hope survive for more than a little while.

Summer... is more or less over. But the rest of our lives are just beginning.

....

I Am A Christian

When I say...I am a Christian,
I'm not shouting I am saved,
I'm whispering I was lost that is why I chose
this way. When I say...I am a Christian, I don't speak of this with pride;
I'm confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide.
When I say...I am a Christian, I'm not trying to be strong; I'm professing that
I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on. When I say...I am a Christian, I'm not bragging
of success, I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt. When I say...I am a Christian,
I'm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are too visible but God believes I'm worth it. When I say...
I am a Christian, I still feel the sting of pain; I have my share of heartaches which is why I speak His name.
When I say...I am a Christian, I do not wish to judge, I have no authority, I only know I'm loved.

Why Be Negative?

First, I don't understand why people have negative attitudes. What good comes from always looking at the dark side of things? I mean the only argument I can find is that if you never expect anything or hope for something to happen, you can not be disappointed. Those of us that live our lives to this code miss out on all the joys life has to offer. How can you learn anything without disappointment? Through disappointment we learn the real worth of what we have and that which we seek. If you live in a bubble of pessimism you don't allow yourself to have hope or faith. What kind of existence is that? We need to believe, we need to let ourselves strive for things we want, we need to hope and try for something better. We need to have our hopes dashed every now and again. It makes us stronger. We learn from our mistakes in how we failed; in order to grow we need some disappointment. Stop looking at the glass half-empty. That glass is not only half-full but you shouldn't want it any other way. Meaning, in life look at the bright side of the events in your life. If something doesn't go the way you want it, try and correct it for the next time. Do your best to get something out of your failure. Even if that is a harsh word, it is a harsher world and the life lessons you learn will make it easier as we get wiser. Something I said a little while ago, "if the glass isn't half full, I don't want it" really makes a lot of sense to me. I think I meant that in this world the things worth striving for are worth the disappointment if you don't attain them. Because if you don't stop trying one day you will get what you want. This life is yours, and yours alone.

What Is Suppose To Be, Will Be

This past year or so I have realized that during our lives life will throw thousands and thousands of different situations at us. It is up to each of us to make these situations benefit us in the long run. There is a lesson in everything. The lesson I have learned that is atop all others is that... as long as you continue on, continue trying your best everything will work out. Sometimes we find ourselves down and out. We each have those days or weeks that seem to never end. The mornings you don't know how you are going to find the strength to get out of bed. Almost, if not all of us have these difficult times in our lives. The key though is to press on. Keep looking forward. Brighter days are in the future for those of us that learn from our blunders and mistakes, for those of us that never settle for what we have, for those of us that give our best effort in everything that we do. If we follow that creed we will usually find happiness in our lives. We also, have to remember that there is an ultimate plan. There are some things that we can not change... like the past. Instead of dwelling on what was... we need to understand that those things that have happened in our lives happened to give us wisdom for the future. That everything that has happened was suppose to have happened because we either gained some type of knowledge or a life lesson. Those of you that live with any regret, any regret at all, should realize that it isn't regretful at all. That it was suppose to happened because it has made you the person you are today... and if that thing which you regret has made you into a person you don't want to be then you already know you need change. And how can you regret something that has or will ultimately make you a better person in some way? Wisdom comes from living life. Live it. Because what is suppose to be, will be. You just have to do your part.

I Want More

I have come to the realization a short time ago while at work that in my life I am always going to want more. I do not mean that in a greedy sense. I mean that I am going to always want to better myself. I do not believe I will ever settle for what I have already attained. I could find a mediocre job making a decent amount of money that I don't dread going to but that will not be enough for me. The moral of this is that those of you who sit idol and are content with your lives you should be ashamed. There are always more ways we can better ourselves and we should always seek those things out. Better jobs, stronger relationships with family and friends, or a deeper connection with God. There is always something. Something more. I want more. I want it all. Set goals in all aspects of life and as those goals are reached set new goals. Continue this throughout your life, until the day you die. There is no reason why we can not strive to better our lives. I leave it with this... there is more out there... enrich your life by seeking it out.

Moving Forward

So, the past couple weeks have been absolutely exhausting. I started my job full time. Actually, it has been beyond full time. I have been putting in 56 and 64 hour weeks and finally have some time to update my blog. I am moving ahead in my life and doing things on my own. I started looking for apartments and condo's in the Shelton area with Jon Coelho. We both want to get out on our own and looks like we will be able to within a month or two. I just have to catch up on some bills (credit cards) and then once we are both financially sound we will move forward with our plans. Meanwhile, I am looking to take on a second job something for a few days a week to supplement my income. I am happy where I am in my life right now. I just need to keep pushing on and bettering myself. I do not ever want to settle for what I have I want more. I need more... out of life.

Levels Of Relationships

I have noticed a lot lately that many guys including myself get attached to a relationship very quickly. Sometimes this can work out and we have lasting, fruitful relationships. However, a new avenue I am trying to take, is the road less traveled. Taking it slow. I have never been able to do this. I get to infatuated with the person I am with, and by doing this I neglect myself. I put aside all my goals and ambitions to make my significant other happy no matter the cost. I have done myself real damage in the past and even in my present life I can still feel and see the evidence of my carelessness.

Now, I am not saying that I will totally flip it around and only care about myself. Merely, that I need to exhibit some kind of caution and be more level headed. It takes a lot to make a relationship work and there needs to be a 50/50 (or as close to possible as that) effort from both parties. I have consumed past days, weeks, months, and many years on relationships that are no where near equal in effort. I can only blame myself. Hindsight really is accurate. I mean, that when you give, give, give... people start to expect, expect, expect. A lot of people forget that they need to do something also. I blame myself because I have always been the one to give without receiving much; I put myself too far out there and get taken for granted.

In order to try and prevent this problem I want to take it slow with people. By slow I mean taking steps toward advances in the way my emotions get involved with someone. I can't continue to wear my heart on my sleeve, because it keeps getting torn off. I am running out of shirts.

Time & Place

There is certain behavior that is only acceptable at certain times and places in our lives. It seems to me that the general public doesn't understand this concept. Some people forget about social and ethical norms. This really upsets me. Like, you are how old? Yet... you still do not understand how you should act in public or any other setting? Damn. Pay attention to what the rest of society does and mimic them if you need to, because it is embarrassing watching people like you act the way you do. This isn't directed to any one specific, just all of the people out there that make social situations of any kind weird or awkward for others.

Stop And Think

I think the most frustrating thing I have come across in my life is a person's unwillingness to change. Some people get set in their ways and refuse to acknowledge that they should change something about what they are doing. Whether, it be because there is a better way, an easier way, a quicker way, a more fair way, or a more just way. It also is often just because they are too stubborn. In fact, this person I once called a best friend has literally has never apologized for something. I have known him for about 16 or 17 years and not once have I heard him say sorry. He is convinced he is always right, that the way he does things is always the correct way. How is this type of thinking rational? Ridiculous, yes. Rational, no.

Realizing The Real Thing

Life has many mystery's. One of which for me has been realizing happiness. I am one of those people who is most content when they are in a relationship. When I have someone that I care about and can give myself to in a variety of ways I feel complete. What I haven't felt in a long time is the way I feel lately. I feel as if I am in a grateful relationship; perhaps that is the best word to use. I believe that if both people in a relationship are grateful for one another everything else falls into place. Some things that come from being grateful... respect, trust, joy, excitement, like and then sometimes love. I am realizing what it is like once again to be with someone who actually wants to be with me and is likewise grateful. My thoughts on my own happiness in the past two or so years have been clouded (at least when it comes to a significant other). My eyes are open now and I understand that the happiness I thought I had was only a version of the real thing which I think I have come to know now.

Live Without Regret

A week or two ago I had arrived at our cabin in upstate New York. It was probably around 9pm. We unpacked the car and got settled in pretty quickly. It was my first time up there this year. Each year, that first experience there is absolutely the best. I often forget how beautiful it is up there and all that it reminds me of. My summers were spent entirely in New York before I was a teenager. At that age I just did what I did having a blast, but you never really realize what you have until you are older and able to look back at your life. I am extremely lucky... I still have that place to go back to and make more memories. However, the point of this post is not looking back at our lives but in fact the opposite.

A lot of the time we live in retrospect. We live our lives and after the day is done, maybe weeks, months or even years later we realize what we could have done or should have done in situations. I think people need to stop and think and live in today. Live without regrets, don't question what has happened in your life. God has a plan for each of us... we are merely following his plan. Each mistake or wrong doing is a lesson. As is every correct decision, or choice. We learn from ourselves and others. Everything that we do was meant to happen for some reason or another. It is almost impossible to find somebody that doesn't regret a single thing about their life. I know I have screwed and made mistakes and done stupid things. But to be completely honest I would have it no other way. I would not change a single thing about my past life because it has made me the person I am today. A few examples:

I didn't do ANYTHING in high school and the result of that was having to go to community college. If I did better in high school I could have gone to a more respectable school and maybe had a different life. However, knowing the lessons I learned from screwing up like that are invaluable. I know for a fact I wouldn't have met some of the greatest people I have ever known. And to be honest I know that God had our paths cross because we were all meant to be together. As friends, as bothers, as FAMILY.

As for relationships I screwed up and did dumb things like everyone does. I have broke up with girlfriends and been broken up with. For each time we fought there was some reason. Maybe it was my fault or theirs. It doesn't matter I gained something from each situation. I learned how to deal with things such as pain, anguish, a broken heart, confusion, selfishness, frustration and a hundred others. My future relationships are all better off because of what I have lived through and witnessed.

Lessons in every spectrum of life are learned through doing, seeing, hearing, feeling. Live with no regrets.

One By One

This is for all you people who sit there and talk about other peoples business. Listen, don't you have your own lives to worry about? Isn't there something going on in your life that you should be tending to? I do not care if you talk about me because I put myself out there each and everyday. People know exactly what I am doing and how I am feeling... via this blog, twitter, facebook, or actually talking to me. If you are going to criticize me that is fine but make sure you do not have any skeletons in your closet, make sure that all of your problems are taken care of. You may be neglecting someone or even yourself. It is funny to me that some people have the time to snoop around other peoples business and talk about them but lack the confidence to talk about themselves. By talk about themselves I mean how they are truly feeling inside, what they want out of life and every emotion in between. I am a very confident person. I know that for every stupid, silly, immature thing I do... there are many more intelligent, mature, kind things. I can get kicked out of a baseball game, I can break up with a girlfriend, I can tell a friend how I feel, I can have a few too many drinks every once in a blue moon, I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to. Do any of these things make me a bad person? Absolutely not! Do any of these things or hundreds of others make people bad people? Absolutely not! Bad people in my opinion come from bad qualities such as morals, ethics, failure of responsibility and sinning without remorse. If I ever sink to a level inappropriate in any of these... surely talk about me but at least do the decency of telling me or any person what they are doing is wrong. It is clear though, at least right now, that I am in complete control of myself and who I am. I am happy with this person and will not be intimidated into change. I will fulfill each of my goals. Goals are to be attained. Then you set your sights higher and higher as you go. You take what you can get and build upon each opportunity. Everything you want in life will not be handed to you on a silver platter. You have to work for it. Inch by inch. I am taking those inches and adding them up... one by one.

Back To How It Was

So, I went back to the beginning of my blog and started reading some of my previous entries. I realized that my blog has shifted from being "how I call things" to what is going on in my life. I like it more the first of the two ways. So, I am going to try and switch back to commenting on the world, the people in it, and experiences that we all go through. I miss taking the same to sit in front of my computer and contemplate what is going on and how I feel about it. There are many things that need to be discussed that many people will not touch because they lack the emotional confidence to say what is on their mind and heart. With that being said... I will post something right now.

Tomorrow Is The Dawn Of A New Day

So, tomorrow I start my training for Andrew's International. I am really happy that a new chapter of my life is beginning. I will finally have my own income again and have my first full time job of my life. It is a weird feeling closing that door and taking the steps necessary to building my future life. I pray and hope that this job works out to be something I am happy doing until I fulfill my goals of being a police officer. Who knows I guess... I may end up loving this section of the justice and law spectrum and making a career out of it. Well whatever happens I am happy right now. And I thank the Lord.

Also, the other day I started talking to a new girl that has come into my life. I do not know what the future holds but so far she is fun, intelligent and cute. That is all I ask for right now. I am going to take it slow and see how things turn out.

One Door Closes, Another Opens

So, I deleted a couple posts. Some people felt that they were inappropriate and whatnot. I ended up deciding to take them off my blog because it was probably the most mature way to handle the situation. I don't know. The truth hurts some people... that includes myself sometimes. Whatever though. That part of my life is over with. I miss some parts of it but my life is less stressful. I don't know which way I like better. Sigh.

Anyway... I finally got a job working for Garda Security (soon to be Andrews International). My job will require me to provide protection and security to a data entry facility which is affiliated with the Bank of Switzerland. I start 40 hours of training and certifications on June 1st. Then hopefully the week after I will actually start working. I have a lot of bills to start paying and can not wait to move out of home (again) and get my own place (again).

I am trying to close a door in my life and keep it closed. I do not want to be the person I was months ago and also affiliate myself with the types of people I did. I want to open this new door and cross that threshold and never look back. I am on my way...

Indebted

My life is what it is because of those of you in it. I would not be where I am today without your support, advice and blessings. You all have helped me through some really difficult and trying times. I am forever thankful and grateful for what each of you have done. Whether it be giving me advice, listening to me, lending me a shoulder to cry on, or having a beer with me to take off the edge. Whatever the circumstance may have been...thank you. I will always be here for you all as you all have been there for me.

Have You...?

Have you ever put yourself so far out there that you can't find your way back? Have you ever loved so much you don't know if you will ever love another person again? Have you ever been unable to breathe because the emotional hurt is so physical? Have you ever questioned everything that you believe? Have you ever tried to hide your feelings? Have you ever realized what you should have done in a situation? Have you ever thought you were suppose to spend your entire life with someone? Have you ever realized that forgiveness is beyond some people? Have you ever been taken for granted? Have you ever felt like you are the only person that knows youre alive? Have you ever wanted to give up but you know you can not? Have you ever had to pick yourself up off the floor? Have you ever been loved? Have you ever felt all of these?

If you have then you know what I am going through. You know that there really might not be anything worse in the world than the feelings and emotions that sweep over you. You know how I feel.

What Is Love?

Love.

A feeling, A emotion. It has been written about in plays, lyrics, poems, letters and cards. It has been said by every single class, race, and sex. No matter your religion you believe in a higher emotion that develops in one's heart. This love can never really be described or understood. It is beyond words, it is beyond action. You can feel love and have someone feel your love, but trying to tell others how you feel is nearly impossible. At least telling them exactly how you feel and what you feel inside you. I find love is one of the hardest things to fully explain. Though, I will now try.

Love.

Is when you wake up each and every morning and think about someone. You go on with your day thinking about them and knowing they are thinking about you. You finally go to sleep, and the only reason you have comfort about sleeping is because God willing you will find this person in your dreams. Love is feeling someones touch when they are not with you. It is remembering their words, smell, and movements. It is the taste of their lips. Love is knowing you are not complete without your other half. Because truly you believe you are only half the person you can be without them. Love is also comfort, lust, like, respect, trust, sympathy, empathy, honor, and responsibility. Love is change. Love is caring about someone as much or more than you care for yourself. Love is blind. It doesn't care about the bad, the wrong, the dirty, amounts of time, or looks. The love I know... is all these things and a library of words more.

Show Me How To Live... Oh Wait I Already Know

The other day I received a message from someone who use to be a significant part of my life. They criticized me for the way my life was going. It wasn’t even in a positive light, it was demeaning and negative. I would love to get constructive criticism but when it becomes pushing your opinion on someone it loses any value. At least to me. Not that I have to explain myself to any person but because I’ve poured my heart out over more personal issues I will follow that path.

My life is what it is. My life. This life is controlled by me to a certain point, after that it is in God’s hands. I can only do so much, open so many doors, make choices in which direction to throw myself. I know I don’t always make the right decisions and I set myself up to fail or for disappointment sometimes but that is part of the process of learning. Each time I falter or stumble I pick myself up and look ahead. I do what is necessary so that I never walk that path again.

Today in my life… I am a unemployed college graduate looking for work in law enforcement… this door is the one I am having the most trouble opening. Though, I will not give up, it is a great struggle and weights heavily on me. I am trying, maybe not giving a 100 percent like I should be but I am really close. There is always more we all could be doing to attaining our goals. I guess the fact that I realize that is half the battle, now I just have to make the effort.

As far as what I am. I am someone who puts their heart into everything they believe in. I am someone who attains my goals, someone who reaches for the stars even though they will always be out of reach. I am someone who believes actions really do speak louder than words. You can say a whole lot but without proving it your words are meaningless. Live by the motto: character in action. This means show your true self and what you believe and who you are by living it each and everyday. Be true to yourself. By doing this I am able to be true to all those around me. Nothing about me; my intentions, actions or words can be construed to be fake or false because I have been true to the man that looks back at me in the mirror. I know I am a man of integrity and principle and I hope everyone that knows me understands that those are two qualities I can be identified with.

As far as someone I am not. I am not someone who judges others. I look at the lives of the people around me and understand why things are the way they are. Good or bad. I am not someone who takes this life for granted. I am thankful. Today more than ever. I am not someone who would ever turn their back on a friend. I am there for you all… literally whenever you need me, no matter the circumstance. I am not someone who wastes time. I take today and use it to make friendships stronger, love greater and the day more meaningful. I am not someone who gives up. I may bitch and moan and say I can‘t do it anymore, but never will I quit or give up a single inch.

Today I am 24 years young. I am living life in a different way that most my age. I worked from the age of 15-22. Then I retired. By retired I mean…. living carefree. You often hear people say things such as, “I remember when I was your age” or “if I could be that old again” or “what I wouldn’t give to do it all over”. Well I want to grow old and gray and not regret a single thing. I want to live a full life and when I am on my death bed at whatever age that may be… I want to look over my past life and know I left nothing on the table, that I made this world a better place for those living after me, I want to pass knowing that I gave God all the praise and glory I could. I want to live my life the way it should be lived. For the Father, Family, Friends, and Fun. This is how I live. Sorry if you do not agree with this lifestyle.

Letting The Lord Lead

I am taking each day as it comes. No more worrying about the future or what is going to happen. The past is gone and I am living for today. If I continued to live the way I was living I would have fallen in a hole so deep I would have never been able to climb out. I do not know what clicked and put everything into perspective for me. Maybe it was the praying, maybe it was the confiding in those I trust and recieving their advice, maybe it was a combinatin of both. All I know is that the past 2-3 days I have turned around. I was on the edge of falling off, but today especially I feel a new hope. As if I am being carried... lifted on the wings of angels. A weight that was atop my shoulders has been set free. The burdens I felt so crushing me down are no longer present. I am off of that cliff, off of the floor. Strong arms have picked me up and shown me the way. The Lord is my Savior, and Sigma Chi is my family. With these two I am whole. The Lord has redeemed me, he has taken my sins and given me hope. Sigma Chi is my safety net and has given me will and strenght. For both I am forever grateful and indebted.

Finding Help

I think that I am officially depressed with life. Everything seems to be going wrong and almost nothing makes the terrible feelings go away. I wake up miserable and go throughout the day just getting worse and worse until I break down... which has become more and more terrible. I can't stand thinking about things and those thoughts eat me alive. I am trying to stay strong but there isn't much to look forward to right now. I really am considering just getting out of Connecticut and starting over somewhere. While the main thing keeping me strong (Sigma Chi brothers) is here... everything that breaks me down is also here. The way I see it is that I wouldn't need a shoulder to lean on if the problem wasn't there. So, even though the brothers are so good to me... I wouldn't need to rely on them if I wasn't a mess.

I know that the Lord is here for me trying to keep me strong. I know I can put all my problems on his shoulders and he will take the full weight. Though, I find myself not doing this. I have been trying to deal with everything myself and maybe that is why I am so distraught. I feel terrible and guilty realizing this and I hope and pray I can change. I need to stop trying to deal with my problems by myself and also putting them on my friends. I need Christ... I need his help.

Family Is Always There

So, these past days have been some of the most confusing days of my life. I find myself not knowing what to do... I am at a point in my life where nothing much makes sense. I find myself relying on the people who are in my life. I honestly do not know what would have happened to me if these friends were not with me. They understand me, they listen to me and give me advice, they are Sigma Chi's. They are my family.

These brothers of Sigma Chi have shown me the true meaning of love, respect, honor and trust. I love my family. You know who you are.

Why Sigma Chi?

Sigma Chi is more than a fraternity. Sigma Chi is more than an organization with members sharing a common bond through a shared experience and an ideal. Sigma Chi is more than hanging out, partying, chapter meetings, and formals. Sigma Chi IS all of those things, however it is not defined by any single word or phrase. These letters I have tattooed to my ankle are as much a part of me as an arm or a leg. They are as much a part of me as any feeling I have ever felt. These letters on my ankle are there in a very physical way, I can not tell you how proud I am to be one of the few that can wear these letters. Though, wearing the letters alone is a great honor, to be known as a Sig is the most humbling thought I can come across. Sigma Chi has instilled in me what it is to be a man. A man with character, and integrity. A brother fully understanding personal responsibility and loyalty. Sigma Chi transformed me from a boy with potential to the man I was suppose to be. Without her where would I be, who would I be with? That thought is a scary one. I honestly do not know. My experience in Sigma Chi has spiritually saved me. My relationship with God was something I was never really sure about. Though, trying to live up to the ideals of the cross I have found myself in many ways. The most important...religiously. I find my God walking side by side with me now, at all times. Unless, like the poem "Footprints In The Sand", he is carrying me (which is often and I know that is why he is always next to me. To help me up when I stumble.)

Sigma Chi has given me faith.

This fraternity, Sigma Chi, does not ever bend or break. Some thing will always be... I will always be a Sigma Chi.

Some of us are lucky enough to have a brother or sister to grow up with. I am very lucky I have my brother Matt. Though, I didn't know it I was intended to have many more brothers than just him. In college I found Sigma Chi and soon I found my brothers that God wanted me to find. I honestly believe that these guys my brothers of Sigma Chi are the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is something when you can be completely honest, and open up to someone. It is something when you can trust someone with your life and you know they will always be there for you. It is something when your heart is connected to someone else in a way you never knew possible. That something is LOVE. I know I love my brothers of Sigma Chi because I am there for them as they are there for me...because we have lived this life together and side by side made it a better place... because I have cried, laughed and everything in between with these men, these brothers, THIS FAMILY.

Sigma Chi has given me eternal friendship.

This is why SIGMA CHI and why I will always be proud to be SIG. I will always be around as long as the Lord lets me.

In Hoc

Keep Life Interesting

So, I am heading down to Danbury and Westconn for the night. I am stopping in on a pledge meeting to give a quick interview to one of the pledges and then possibly swing by the Greek Week event. Oxford has been totally boring the past couple weeks when I am home. That is probably part of the reason I am never here. Plus, I would rather be with fun people. Keep life exciting, you know? Well, I am definitely doing that and I would have it no other way.

If anyone is asking themselves why does Rob still go to westconn and hang out with the people there? Well, the short answer is that Sigma Chi is for life and will forever be a part of me and I will always be involved. I will post the long answer to that question the next time I post.

On The Horizon

So, Nicole's car wasn't going to be out of the shop on time so I decided to go back up there. Hence, ignore that last post at least until this week. I wish that I discovered how awesome Keene was like 5 years ago. The town is just chaos and I love it. I thought Danbury was crazy... it has nothing on Keene. I love the young person, college scene there and not to mention Matt being there :) I suppose it was a good thing Matt and I did not go to the same school for more than a semester. We are a menace to society. Separate we can only cause so much trouble but together we are mayhem. Anyhow, I like New Hampshire more and more every time I go up there.

Today, I found out some departments in the Saratoga, Schenectady area of New York are looking for police officers so I am going to pursue that possible avenue. In less than a month I have the physical test for Connecticut Corrections. I have the running, push ups, and sit ups down. I just need to be able to touch my toes while sitting down. Working on it.

Action = Effort

So, Nicole is coming down to Connecticut for a few days to visit me. I am looking forward to showing her around, even though there really isn't much to do around here. I am glad that I found someone who is willing to put in the effort to try and make things work. Some things are just worth it and it is nice to have someone that feels the same way I do. So, I am very happy she is making the long trek down here from Keene! As in my last post I hope I feel better so that we can both enjoy ourselves while we are together and I am not a sick mess in bed the entire time. Well anyhow, I hope she gets here safely and we have a good four days together :)

I Am Not Down With The Sickness

I really am perpetually sick. Every month a get a cold and it takes a week or two to get over. Then I am finally feeling good, getting into a gym routine and bam I am sick again. I eat decently well, take vitamins, sleep a usual 8 hour night, and exercise. What else do I have to do to stop getting these colds!? My immune system hates me, I am going to go buy vitamins specially for immune system wellness. I think my blood cells or whatever fights colds needs a boost. I just hate being sick so much and it is even more terrible than a regular cold because it never is just a cold. My asthma never ever bothers me unless I get sick. So, it is like a common cold with asthma adding to the problems. I hate it. Pray for me to get well quickly...

Make The Most Of What You Have

I am very happy the summer months are just around the corner. I need to take a break from my stressful life haha. Well actually I am just looking forward to another summer. I hope I have a good full time job by summer but if I don't it won't be all bad. In a week or two I am going to go up to the cabin and start looking for jobs up there that way I can hang out there for awhile. If nothing comes through I get to spend the summer bumming around the lake... sounds appealing. But really I am trying my best to follow my dream, it is just so hard right now. People that usually wouldn't apply to be police officers are now taking the jobs of recent college grads like myself. They have lost there management jobs in all fields and now are taking the entry level jobs in civil service. It sucks because I want this job because of what it means to me and all of the ways it would complete me. These people are taking the jobs because they have no other avenue. They also get the job more easily than I because of their life and job experience. Blah. Economy needs to improve quickly. Well whatever. Live life to its fullest, right? I have no problem there.

Putting Life Back Together

As I try and change my life into what I want it to be I find myself pursuing a new interest of the female persuasion. This is not something I thought I would be able to do for a long while. Though, now that I can look back in retrospect I should have known that once I came across someone that treated me well I would probably fall for them quickly. Well, I found that person. We have almost nothing in common from our past lives, while it seems that we have very much in common at the present time. Also, so far I think we have met at the right time in our lives. By nothing in common I mean we have lead different lives that have taken us to the same point. So, as it is said opposites attract.

We met one night while Matt and I were out for the night at Keene State College. I was visiting and we happened to hit it off over a mistake that I guess was meant to be. So, it happens we met up a couple more times and spent a good amount of time together. We had seemed to click pretty well and we actually were both thinking the same thing... are we ever going to make it official? Well, I now have a brand new girlfriend. Woo! haha.

Right now we live about 2 1/2 hours apart, she being in Keene and I am in Connecticut. Her hometown is in Massachusetts which is more like and hour and a half away. This long distance relationship, if you want to call it that, is something that is more or less new to me. It is exactly what I think I need right now though. I get to spend a good amount of time with her when I am able to see her and we are able to give each other space when needed. I am happy. And by the way her name is Nicole :)

Faith In The Lord

Life is very strange. Fate is totally something I believe in. Everything happens for a reason. A reason that is part of Gods plan. Sometimes we do not understand why things happen but we have to believe that if God brought us to it he will bring us through it. Also, we have to stop living in the past. Why dwell on something that hasn't made it to the present time in your life. It is obviously in the past for a reason. The quote I heard a preacher say the other night was, "why put a question mark where God has already put a period". This hits very close to home. I am at a point in my life where I am realizing that I can not try to change the past but embrace it. It has made me who I am today and I could not be happier. I am content where my life is at this point. I am striving to better myself and others while trying to achieve my goals in law enforcement. I can not wait to see what the next six months hold and where I will be by the end of summer. If it is in this very same place, so be it. God has a plan for me and I will follow my heart.

Break From Reality

So, since Wednesday I have been in Keene, New Hampshire visiting Matt and his whole crew. I had absolutely nothing coming up police wise or even job related so I decided to lead an alternative life than the one I was use to. Well maybe. I say maybe because my life for the past year or so has been one of just making the most of life. I haven't had a job since I worked at Gymnastic Spectrum (that's right haha) 13 months ago. I have lived off of my savings and now they are pretty much depleted. So, this one last trip has been the final hurrah. When I get back to Connecticut tomorrow I am forcing myself to pick up a part time job somewhere while I continue to pursue a career in law enforcement.

This trip has opened up my eyes to a broader array of potential avenues. I am largely increasing the spectrum of departments I am going to apply for, meaning not just CT departments. Also, I am waiting for the government application to apply to take the civil service test. A government job in homeland security is something that I have always wanted to do but am finally taking the first steps. Also, I realized that I do not have to live in CT. I am just fine in new places with new people and I have to do want I have to do. I can't be concerned about leaving people behind or losing them. Cause if they want to be in my future they will actively try to be.

There Is Dawn After The Night

So, I have been a lot happier lately. I have been looking at the world in a different light. It is a place that gets darker and darker every single day... people lie more, cheat more, steal more, and overall disregard the cost of sinning more. Though, this does not have to affect the good people and for the most part I believe it doesn't. We all do stupid things sometimes but the good we bring to this world definitely outweighs the bad. The reason I believe I have been happier is because for once in my life I am living for me. Now, this may seem selfish but let me explain. What makes me happy is being with people that are positive and are trying to better their lives. Helping people because it feels good in my heart. And doing things that boost my confidence and make me more healthy.

Sigma Chi, the gym, shooting hoops, running, music... among some other thing.

I do miss some things a lot more than I thought was possible, but now it also seems like life will actually go on. I don't know what the future brings but I know what I want in it.

Thank You

So, I have had a handful of people come up to me or get a hold of me in a variety of ways regarding this blog. I believe you can only comment on my entries directly if you also have a blog. If you want to comment feel free to send me an email at iotaetasig@yahoo.com or facebook message me. I will respond to any and all comments. I really appreciate all of the support and am thankful for everyone in my life. Thank you for caring and being here for me...it is amazing to know how many people read this and care. My spirits are lifted more and more each time I hear people like what I am writing. Thank you again for being in my life and I hope you continue to read!

Looking Ahead

So...I failed my Vernon PD interview. It sucked at first but now I am over it. I learn a lot about the process. I took the interview and thought that I had did pretty well. It lasted about 30 minutes and then they asked me to take a seat outside. I waited for a few minutes and was invited back into the interview room. They had told me that I had really good opening and closing statements. That they took a lot of notes about my dedication to becoming a police officer. I only answered one of their questions wrong. I will not go into it because I do not want that to be held against me in future opportunities. Though, unless I was absolutely perfect I was not going to be passed to the next step. This was my first oral interview and as I have heard it takes the majority of candidates numerous times to pass it... I will NOT fail again. The oral board invited me back in and even though I guess they usually do not tell you what you did wrong they did me in a favor and explained that I had originally answered the question I got wrong right. Then they played mind games and tricked me out of my answer. So, it is what it is. From now on I will stick to my guns and go with my first answers.

I can not dwell in what could have been. I can only move ahead and set my sights on the next goal. Obtaining my CHIP card (the physical fitness exam). As, I am really sick right now this may be hard to do. I have about two weeks to get better but as you all know it takes me a while to recover sometimes. I'll pray.

Correction Officer scores come out early next week. I am excited to see how I did. I hope something comes through with this as it will be great job experience for future opportunities with the police.

In the next six months I could have up to eight more oral exams for police departments depending on invitations, and other exam scores. So, pray with me and have the Lord bless me and watch over me. Thank you.

Pressing On...Somehow

Going on with life. I have a lot of upcoming interviews, tests, and appointments. As much as life brings me down I have to push ahead and keep trying to improve my life.

March 11th - Interview for Vernon PD
March 16 - Correction Officer test results and physical fitness registration
March 28 - Police Officer Physical endurance test

April will include... Another police physical fitness try if I fail the first one, applications for two more police departments, the correction officer physical test, and hopefully more departments asking for me to interview.

For the interview on Wednesday I am going in clean shaven, this will be the first time in over 6 years that I will be baby faced. I hate it, haha. It will all come back so I am not too worried.

I am asking for all your prayers for this interview. If I pass it I immediately start the background check process and get fingerprinted, which moves me considerably closer to my goal, of becoming a cop.

The only thing about Vernon that worries me is that they are only hiring one candidate. There were like 300 people that started the process, 200 passed the written, and 40 were invited to interview. So, it is getting narrowed down but there are still 40 of us. I hope that none of the other candidates have personal connections with the department or anything like that, that will give them an advantage in some way. I can only do my best and I will.

Spring Ahead....Fall Behind. The Minutes Stay The Same

The days pass by at a much slower rate. At least that is how the past two weeks have felt. I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. The day isn't filled with joy or happiness. Each day seems like it lasts so much longer because I have nothing to look forward to. Well at least nothing that brings love into my life. I press on only because hope is alive in my head and Christ in my heart. I strive to find the words, the actions, and some possible way to go back in time to make things right... a struggle without end it seems. I pray that God watch over me and help me through this time. Love always

A New Life

These past 5 days have been very tough. I did not follow my guidelines as strictly as I would have liked, however I accomplished everything I wanted to any more. I have taken a deep, long look at myself and who I am. By spending so much time by myself I truly believe that I am different. I have spent much of my time praying and feel a closer more personal relationship with God. Now, I want to make the relationships I have in my life more meaningful and stronger. I want to spend time with the people I love and care about. I am driving up to Keene state with Jon tonight to visit Matt for the weekend. The new me is here... from this point on I will only better myself and make sure I do not lapse into someone I do not want to be.

I fear it is to too late to fix some relationships. Maybe in time. Who knows. Though, I will always have a place in my heart for those people who do not want a part in my future, but were such a big part of my past. I will always have love.

I considered ending this blog after this week was over. I created it to help me get my thoughts out, but I have had a bunch of people (surprisingly) tell me that they read it and like my thoughts. So, I will continue to tell the world my feelings and inner most thoughts. Maybe we can all learn something together.

Raise Me Up

For me, hope is all I have to live for. Hope, that life will get better, I will be happy, I will find someone to spend forever with, hope that God will see me through this. Each day for the past week or two I waking up asking myself what I could have done to prevent this misery. I also answer that question each morning, however it doesn't ever give me any comfort. I go on with my days as a robot. I do what I know I have to do to get by and that is it. I pray to wake up one of these days knowing everything will be okay. I want to wake up thinking about the future, instead of dwelling in the past. What could have been, what should have been... it doesn't matter any more. I can not ask myself those questions, yet I am too weak.

Last night contained the weakest moments of my young life. I questioned God, and his plan. I have always been a strong believer in his plan. That everything happens for a reason. Last night I fell so low that it seemed I would never have enough strength to pick myself up. I will NEVER let that happen again. Again, I dedicate my life to Christ and ask for forgiveness.

I pray that my Lord watch over my family and friends, I pray he raise me up. I pray for new beginnings and a clean slate. I thank God for everything that he has given me and that he will continue to bless me and the people I know and love. I HAVE HOPE! I HAVE THE LORD!

Fate

I am experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I am doing alright and everything seems like it is getting better, then the next my heart is broken. I build myself up with different things and expressing myself to just be deflated by a single sentence here and there. Maybe I deserve that. I have been praying and hoping for anything to do to show the people in my life that they mean the world to me. Specific people anyhow. I think most of my friends and family know that I count on them everyday in different ways and I am grateful for everything they give me. For, those that I have either wronged or hurt or do not believe me. I am a new man. The past did happen, that was the old me, I take complete responsibility. That being said, the past is gone. It is a new day, a new way, a new me. Have faith.

I believe the reason all this is happening is to change me and the people around me. This change will allow for better relationships. So, that the problems of yesterday no longer can plague the days of tomorrow.

I Am Being Carried

Footprints In The Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

--Thank You

Redeemed

Another new day. Thank God. Last night was a little rough. It is so difficult going from feeling like you're at the top of the world to having to pull yourself up off the floor. This is how I feel with almost everything now. It is a chore to actually do things. Anything. I know I will get over it and that it will not last forever. It is just so hard when you spill your heart filled with every true emotion, every sincere thought and each good intention...then you get less than nothing in return. It is like everything you are doesn't mean anything and isn't enough. Though, it is strange because I know everything that I am and exactly who I am. I am first and foremost a man of God, I live without worry do to Christ my redeemer. I once heard this... If a bird flew to a beach and grabbed one grain of sand then flew one million years to a distant planet and dropped that grain there to make a new beach, then that same bird flew a million years back here and repeated that for each beach on earth, the time it would take that bird to succeed would just be the beginning of eternity. What I am trying to say is that this lifetime no matter how bad it sucks, we each have an eternity to look forward to. Because of Christ. Next, I am genuine, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, faithful, and inspired. I am a man of character and integrity. I am someone who ever strives to reach the unreachable.

In my darkest times I still see light. The poem footprints in the sand, explains this very well. I will post it next.

Who's In Your Life?

Only A Man by Jonny Lang

I used to live my life in fear
Was worried all the time
From waking up to laying down
I had no peace of mind
The world became a darkened place
A struggle without end
Although bitter times those were
The days that I had began to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church
With questions in my mind
Then turned my back and ran away
From God who gave me life
Then one night his presence fell
I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried, Dear Jesus, rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said, What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now?
I've been inside your head hearing you scream out.
Well here I am, just take my hand and I'll take out
All of the pain and all of the fear
All of the fear



We need to rely on Christ, we can lay all of our fears, burdens, and sins at his feet. He will take them all and set us free. Be with the Lord. Today, I again re-dedicate myself and life to Christ.

Finding Me

The future is a mystery, though we can reveal parts of it by doing certain things in the present. The way you live today dictates what will be tomorrow. Today I thought about my future a lot. I have thought about the different jobs I am a candidate for: Correction officer, small town cop, NYPD, and college securities. My ultimate goal is to become a police officer. I do not care what state, whether its a town cop or state police. I only care that I am able to serve a community and that the people benefit from my service. I want to help people. I want to make this world better and more safe for each of us.

Then I thought about the future as far as the people in it. I want to make my relationships better and stronger and more meaningful. I want a deeper connection with those I love. Then I thought about how I would do such things. The first is being myself, the person I truly am. Then, confide in each of the people I love, have trust in them. There is no room for distrust in friendship, relationships, or love. I will live my life closer to the ideals of Christ ever striving to reach the unreachable. In turn the people around me will get to know the person I should have been all along.

- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me -

I Hurt I Have Never Known

I have never felt so alone as I have these past few days. Today is the worst it has been and I am sure it hasn't peaked. I have so many things swimming through my head and it is as if I can't catch a single one long enough to actually think about it. I feel hated, deserted, alone, cold, sad, and a thousand other things that make me physically ill. I can't sleep or be awake each are too hard to do right now. I find myself saying forget about it all and move on. Though, I can't move on because there are certain things each of need to push on, to excel, to live life. When you have finally found that thing that motivates you and you lose it somehow it is a whirlwind. You have no idea which way is the right way, or where the right path will even take you.

I do not mean career, school, or religious wise either. I mean emotionally, and personally. I feel as if I am crippled and have no one to help me, to speak with, to understand me. Likewise, I feel a absence or a hole in my heart because someone isn't confiding in me. I feel like a useless vessel stranded on an arctic sea. Cold, alone, and the waves are splashing all around pushing me in no particular direction.

A Real Answer

A more in depth answer to why I am doing this.

I have always been a very confident person. I know what I want and I know I can get it if I try. Getting what I want however hasn't made me happy. Once things come together in my life I have a habit of letting them fall apart. I want to stop unintentionally sabotaging my life. I want to be able to put my heart and mind 100% into everything all the time not just for a period of time. It is not fair to myself or others. I have let people down and hurt others. I do not want to make any one feel like this again. So, in these next 5 days or so I am going to look at everything that I could have been done to prevent hurting those I love. I will also then look at what else I could do to make the good things in my life better and hopefully in the end have some idea of what I should be doing different. I have many ideas already and know exactly where to start. Re-building damaged bridges. Even if some of those bridges have been burned and there is nothing left... I will start from scratch. I am going to be a better person to myself, others and God. Starting today.

Self Evaluation

I am taking the next five days to re-evaluate my life and what I want and need in it. I will not be accepting any phone calls, text messages, or answering emails. Leave me messages if it is important but I will not call, unless urgent. The only times I will be in public are for my correction officer exam on Tuesday and the gym once a day for training for police officer physicals.

I will be updating this blog several times daily and writing about my feelings and the issues I am dealing with. Comment on them if you have an opinion on anything. I love you all and in no way is this because I am mad at anyone or for any other reason than to look at myself at a deeper level.

Where I Get Lost

What are your favorite memories? Take a minute to skim over your past life and think about your happiest moments. I have found myself doing this a lot lately. Talking with people and recalling old times.

Now that you have thought about those select few favorite memories I am sure you could tell me in detail everything about the moment or moments. Where it was, who you were with, what was going on.

My favorite moment lucky for me has been repeated many times. It happens a handful of times each year, each summer to be specific. Our summer cabin is located on a lake in Upstate New York... Evening is the best time to fish. I begin this memory by packing the old aluminum canoe with a few drinks, a couple fishing poles and my favorite paddle. I would then set off slowly toward the opposite end of the lake gently gliding on the glass like water. A few minutes into the paddle I am about at the mid way point of the lake and look across the lake to see the mirror like clarity of the state forest on the lake with the sun beaming on the beach and actual landscape. The sun is setting so only the side of the lake I am looking at is in the sun. It is still warm and the stickiness of the summer heat from hours before is on my skin. Small birds are starting to swoop down low to the water to catch all the little bugs near the waters surface. A few bats are a bit higher up. I find my favorite spots and settle in for a couple dozen casts. It doesn't matter if I catch a single fish; it's about being there in that particular moment. The world seems to go away. It is you among the lily pads, the occasional fish, your thoughts and God. Closer to dusk you can do a 360 look around at all the little cabins and cottages lighting up small campfires, other fishermen taking in the exact same experience, and every now and then a fish jump clear out of the water. The sounds are unlike anywhere else I have been... A owl hoots every now and again and you try to anticipate its next hoot but it is never correct. Small motors on fishing boats as they change locations. The many bullfrogs calling out to be noticed. The splash as my paddle slices into the still water and the reel as I retrieve my cast. When I am out on the water like this in my canoe I get lost in my thoughts and dreams. This is my favorite memory.