Because Of Him

So, my life has been scattered with instances when I should have passed away. A number of car accidents and other things…usually not my fault. Though, recently I had my first (and hopefully last) accident that was my fault. I fell asleep while driving down one of the worst roads in Oxford. My car suffered immensely, though I barely have a scratch. My friend Jeff called me the day after to see how I was doing and besides the fact that my car needs major repairs I am well. In fact since speaking with him I feel like a brand new man. He said to me, “ dude your guardian angel is working real hard for you, for some reason”. He said this knowing some of the past “close encounters” I have had. This statement really opened my eyes… not immediately but after thinking about what he said for the rest of the day I realized he is completely right. I have been through some stuff that I shouldn’t have lived through, I have been unharmed when I should have been really badly injured. I do not know what God’s plan is for me and I have no idea why he wants me on this earth but the few times these things have happened to me it would have been real easy for him to take me away.

This being said, I realize now more than ever that I have to make my stay here on earth worth while. I need to do something bigger than myself. I need to do what he wants me to do. Whatever that is and while I don’t exactly understand my calling yet I also know that he will lead me to it. My faith is stronger than ever. I can count my blessings and be grateful for everything in my life. He has given me more than I ever could ask for. I do not need anything but his grace and whatever else I get in this life is just a bonus.

It is just another one of those mysterious ways that God works. It really is true that if God brings you to it he’ll bring you through it. I know that even means death. Though, throughout my life he hasn’t wanted to bring me through that yet. But when he does… I know where I will be, because of him.

Being Blessed

I spent a lot of time with my dad today. He ended up not having therapy on Thursday this week (he had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago). So, he took me to until at this new place that opened up a few miles away. It has a nice country bar feel to it. However, I didn’t drink. Then I came back to camp and did a little writing by myself while my dad was out with a friend. They came back and asked if I wanted to go to the American Legion with them. I recently became a Son of the Legion which is pretty cool because my dad was in Viet Nam. Anyhow, we ended up going and just hung out with a bunch of local people my dad has become friends with. It was good to get to know some people around here. Everyone was very nice and welcoming. After an hour or two of hanging out and talking we came back to the camp to do some fishing. It was probably the first time in two or three years I have been out on the water with my dad. We didn’t catch too much but it was still good to get out there and talk a little. Now, it is around midnight and we have spent the last few hours watching post-season baseball…a easy going night.

The last three days and nights at the lake have been really great. I have gotten a lot of different kinds of writing done. I am proud of what I have accomplished here. I kind of wish I had internet only so I could post all of my blogs or whatever in a timeline basis. Oh well though they all are going to be posted in the timeline they were written. These few days off from work and people… my normal life has been exactly what I needed to straighten out my head. To care more about what matters, to forget things that don’t, to realize that there are things in life that we all take for granted, and to try and change my life so that I can appreciate all that the Lord has blessed me with. Because there are hundreds if not thousands of things everyday, big and small, that we should consider as blessings. I suggest that everyone take some time even if it is just a few minutes to look at your lives and realize all the great things that you have, thanks to the Lord.

Mysterious Ways

God works in mysterious way. He answers our prayers and sometimes we don’t notice because we are looking for a direct result to the before mentioned prayer. I think that God hears our prayers and doesn’t necessarily give us exactly what we want. For he knows what is best for us. He does answer them though…in a way that he knows will benefit us. We may ask him for one thing or another and we may not get what we originally wanted. However, more times than not he has answered our prayer by changing something so that we don’t need it, forget it, or it becomes irrelevant to us. God really does have our best intensions in mind. If we are just able to sit back and look at our lives we can literally count the blessings he has brought us. The thing is that we usually don’t realize what is happening because if we don’t see a direct result we think our prayers have gone unanswered. I say this for myself and everyone else… take some time to look at your past life and notice all the ways God has worked miracles. They are there… you just have to find them. They wont always be blatant. God works in mysterious ways.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has always come easy to me. I look at the good side of almost every situation and also at the good in people…maybe too often or too quickly, I don’t know. However, I feel that everyone is entitled a second shot or even more if necessary. It is in my nature to try and alleviate situations that bring me sadness or some type of discomfort. I do not like holding grudges especially with the people I love and care about. Throughout my life I can come up with many times where I was extremely hurt or saddened by something a close friend or family member did to me. If that person apologized sincerely then I would forgive them right away… and even sometimes without an apology. See, I believe it is better to move on and learn from the situation rather than to dwell on it and have it constantly be with me. I want peace at heart and piece of mind. If everything and everyone in my life is doing well then I am doing well. Holding back on forgiveness just brings misery to me. The part of all of this that is most troublesome is that usually this outlook is not shared when I have wronged someone. Believe me I have said sorry a lot…most likely more than people have said it to me. The thing is when I screw up it usually is something pretty awful. Maybe it’s the severity to blame for my apologizes not being excepted. I do not know why I do these things that are so destructive to myself. Though, I don’t know…I would accept an apology from anyone for almost anything if it was deep from their heart…true and sincere. I hope that people can begin to see the world the way I do… That such things as being bitter, holding grudges, and having distaste only bring you down; whether you know it or not. So, why not forgive and move on? Now, I am not saying forgive and forget…they are two completely different things. Forgetting would only be counter productive with how I see things. If you remember all the situations that have led others to hurting you, you yourself can learn from them. You can take something good from the wrong that happened. Don’t ever forget what has happened… remember it and remember it well. Doing so when done for the right reasons will make you a better person. A more complete person. Forgive but never forget.

My Desicions

Someone today told me that you have to make your own choices and you have to let others make theirs. That hit home because I am tried of trying to please other people. While that seems simple…it really isn’t. I feel awful when I don’t meet the expectations people have for me. It is like I am always looking for approval or something from someone. So, from this day on I am going to do what I think I should be doing. Whether right or wrong…hopefully right because I am sick of wrong. But maybe the reason I am always finding myself down and out is because of how my choices have been influenced by others. I don’t know either way but…maybe. So, I am going to try and stricken outside influences from my decision making…when it comes to my life.

Time Away From The Normal

Waking up today was wonderful. I woke up with the crisp clean mountain air. The geese where apparently still out on the lake and I could feel the chill that surrounded me. The fire from the night had gone out but I could still smell the smokiness of the pine. The cabin floor was cool yet refreshing and a got up to start the day. Today I plan to write some more of my book and spent the day reflecting on the good things of my life and realizing its times like this that I live for. I am sitting in the cabin all alone now because my dad went back to Connecticut and the closest person to me is probably a mile or more away. After Labor Day weekend this place really shuts down. The lake is empty, not even a single fishing boat or people paddling around. The surrounding camps and cottages are vacant until Memorial Day. This is much different from what I am use to. I am usually surrounded by my friends and trying to be the life of the party. But getting away and being completely alone is what I needed. I haven’t been up here during the fall in years. I spent one night up here two years ago in late fall with a few of my fraternity brothers but it wasn’t like this. It was the usually life scene just different setting, if that makes sense. Getting away from myself and my norm is what I needed.

Little Things

The little things in life are what make it worth living. Now “little things” are different for everyone. Joy comes from so many different avenues. It also depends on where we are at a specific time in our life. Little things are such as a good football game, hearing your favorite song on the radio, hanging out with your best friend, looking at a beautiful sun rise or sunset, looking up at the sky on a dark night and realizing there are more stars in the sky than you will ever be able to count. These little things bring slight bit of joy to our days. They make the dull, monotonous times in our life worth while. We have the little surprises to look forward to.

The little things are the moments I look forward to most. Today I decided to take a break from my life to try and enjoy a little time alone. Time to appreciate the things in life that make it worth living. At least from my perspective. I drove the three hours to our cabin in upstate New York to try and relax. I was absolutely whipped out after working and then coming straight here. I turned off my cell phone and laid down in the bunk bed I have spent so many summer nights and passed out. It was the most relaxing nap I have taken in a long time. I didn’t have people calling me, or wanting to hang out, video games or internet to distract me in any way. I have spent the day just hanging out throwing a couple casts into the water. I watched a few flocks of Canadian geese hundreds strong come squawking in and land on the lake…which I have always liked but particularly enjoyed it today… for the rest of the night I am going to watch Monday night football, sitting by a fire with my Dad and call it a early-ish night. A few simple little things that have begun to clear my head. I was able to appreciate a few things today that I haven’t gotten the chance to enjoy in a long while. This is exactly what I needed.

Can Unconditional Love Strike Twice?

I have known love twice in my life. The first was when I was young and immature, but definitely in love. I was 21 years old dating a girl who was 18. We had been together for two years and I would have done anything for her. She was quiet literally my entire world. Eventually and unfortunately that love started to fade. I felt that I was putting more into the relationship and she didn’t want to make a stronger effort; even though we talked about it several times. We didn’t break up however until I met a new girl. She went to the same school as I did and we hit it off from the start. The problem was that we were both in relationships. I wanted to be with her relatively quickly and realized I needed to break up with my first love. I did this thinking that she would also break up with her significant other for me. She did eventually but it took a little while longer than I expected. Anyhow, once we were together I realized that she was the perfect girl for me and I had never been so happy. She was slightly older than me and much more mature than my past love. Everything was going great. I moved in with her over the summer until school began and when it did I got a part-time job working with her. It really was straight out of a love story how everything fell in place for us. As the year went on I began taking on new responsibilities and life got a little crazy for awhile. Though, we ended up getting through it. At one point I took the train to New York City and looked at engagement rings at Tiffany’s. Soon after this graduation was nearing for me and I still had no idea what I truly wanted to do with my life. I was scared…I was overwhelmed… I panicked. I found any little reason to start a fight with her…I wanted out because to be honest I knew if I stayed with her we would get married. While that was something I definitely wanted…at the time it freaked me out because I was closing a chapter of my life I wasn’t sure I wanted to end. I wanted to still have freedom and friends and the college experience. It all hit me at once and I made the worst decision of my life. I broke up with her. I tried to grab onto the innocence of college life still and wanted to be a part of it all. I was 23 years old and started dating someone who was 18. I let go of love…I let go of who I was…I let go of everything that made me happy, to cling to that immature existence I so desperately wanted. I wish I could take it back… I was given the opportunity…twice. She was willing to forgive me…to take me back. But I still wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to be a man or the person I should have been from the start. I failed. I once knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally…God willing lighting will strike twice.

Something More

So, I have decided that I have to do something to better myself. I have been looking to do this for awhile, though I have been thinking it was reaching my career goals. What I have realized is that there are things I can do right away with my lifestyle that will make me a more complete person. The first is attending church again. I do not necessarily believe that organized religion can “fix” my life, but I do believe if I surround myself with people that have a similar belief system it will benefit me. That maybe I can start doing things that matter for others. Volunteering and helping out in the community. At this point in my life…I work, hang out with friends and sleep. Not much else. It really isn’t too fulfilling. I need something more to be happy…maybe this is the answer. Regardless of how it turns out I am going to start going to my old church… Calvary evangelical free church in Trumbull. If anyone would like to join me I would like the company. Next week I am going to ask my dad if he would like to start going on a regular basis with me. Just something he and I could do together and spend a little bit more time doing something constructive.

Next, and for me this is the big one. I am going to quit drinking altogether…indefinitely. I say “big one” because honestly each group of friends I have go out drinking at a minimum of once a week… Sigma Chi’s, Oxford crew, work buddies. So, this is going to take more will power than I may have. Hence, the going to church and seeking a greater strength from Christ. The reason I am doing this is because I lose my cool increasingly more often when I have had a few too many. I am sick of doing stupid things that I regret in the morning. I need a change, a huge change in lifestyle and I believe that this is the answer…for who knows how long. I plan on doing this in a few ways because I realize it is going to be difficult, not because I crave alcohol but because its what everyone partakes in socially. Those ways are first finding a new way to relieve stress… this one is easy…running …gives me the same “good feeling”. I am going to find some 5k races and hopefully work my way up. The next is always being the designated driver for my buddies. Whenever they want to go out I will offer to drive them around and just hang out. That way I can still be social and not have an urge to join in…because I will be responsible for getting everyone home safely. And, the last is that strength from God’s blessing.

I have already begun the sobriety. And, either this Sunday or next I will begin attending church services. I hope that these two things combined give me the “something more” I am looking for in my life.

At A Turning Point

I find myself getting less and less stable. I need something in my life that gives me some emotional stability. I look to the Lord constantly for advice and I know he is watching over me and blessing my life with what I do have. Though, there is something still missing. It is eating away at me. I often push away the people that mean the most to me and I can not find a reason. I do it then regret it and yet I think it was a good thing for some reason. I know that that doesn’t make much sense but that’s the way I feel. I do not know what to do some times and I lose myself to my temper and emotions. It truly is something I need help on and I pray that God will somehow help me find a way to straighten myself out. I can think of a hundred reasons for my problems. Though, I refuse to blame anything but myself. It is me that brings on my own pain. No excuses. It is my own doing that screws my life up and I need to be the one to bring it back together. I am lost right now… I do not know what to do to attain this. I think more and more each day that I just need to get away and start over. I need to do something with my life that I can be proud of. That’s why more of me everyday believes I should just enlist now and start a new chapter of my life sooner than later. I don’t want to be so far gone in a year that I no longer care. That I no longer care enough about my own future to make the right choices. The next few days, maybe weeks will be crucial in determining the rest of my life.