The Future

When I think of the life ahead of me I am excited though lately I am equally stressed out. I've grown up all my life thinking that my father did a great job earning what he has in life. He has always expected me to do better than him and honestly I always thought that it was possible. However, the more I look at my life and today's world the more I begin to understand that the dream he had for me might not be entirely possible. This is kind of a startling realization. It's easy to say times are tough but the sobering fact is what that exactly means. It bluntly means that quality of life might not always be what I see it as today. I pray for no drastic changes but really who knows. Times are changing, that is totally for sure. Let me make no mistake - By no means will I ever give up it is just that other possibilities have become possible realities. I am excited about the future even though that gives me even more reason to worry about providing adequately for my future family. God help me.

A Step Towards Confidence

This world is a scary place filled with difficult decisions. That is a fact. Knowing this is half the battle though. If we understand life is going to be tough and that we are going to have to make decisions that can be scary, for any number of reasons. The scariest of those decisions often have to do with our future or our heart and sometimes both. Though, in order to find happiness, many times, we have to take a leap. Take a leap of faith: in our decision making abilities, in fate, and/or in others. Trust is the key to being sure of that leap, which in return actually makes the leap less of a leap and more of a step in a confident direction.

Dreaming Dreams

Throughout my life I haven't really been able to remember my dreams. Only when they were reoccuring was I able to grasp pieces of them but never really remembered everything. However, the only times I'd wake and remember was when the dream was actually a nightmare. I don't know what that means or if it means anything at all. More likely than not it means nothing. Lately though, over the past month I have been vividly remembering dreams/nightmares. More often than not, nightmares. In fact just last night I woke up gasping for air and very startled. I can't remember that happening to me before. I don't know what has changed for this to happen. If I had to venture a guess I would have to say that my life is perhaps more stressful than it ever has been in the past. With that stress has come a lot of emotions that have been illuminated while I have been sleeping. I guess that's my theory anyway. I don't really know. Whatever.

I Worry

I worry that I will never be good enough. I worry that I will not be the person you want me to be. I worry that whatever I accomplish in my life it might not be enough. I worry. My life hasn't been anything near perfect. I didn't exactly lead the Christian lifestyle until a handful of years ago. A lot of soul searching and finding myself had to take place before I was able to see where my life needed changes. That past that I left behind is gone. You can say that it helped me become the person I am today, however the person I am today is a 180 degree flip. I made mistakes and I know I am judged by some for those mistakes. I judged myself for the longest time after realizing my errors. I still have periods of time when I look back and feel like I let God down. I don't think I would have any peace with my past but fortunitely the Lord entered my life. If he is able to forgive me for my past faults, then I need to be able to do the same. I only pray others can as well. However, I worry that I will struggle with my past because it is still comes up as part of the present and I hope it won't play a detrimental role in my future.

Full Days

Life is lived one day at a time. My brother Shaun taught me that. We can't fast forward or rewind, we can't change the past or tell the future. Living our lives for the day at hand is all we have. We decide how we are going to spend that day and it is up to each of us to make it count. Determining what is worthwhile is also up to each individual. Only in time are we able to see with hindsight whether or not our past time was used well. Some of us have more days to look back on than others. Though, I've come to realize that a persons life isn't determined by the number of days lived but how we use those days. I am unlike my buddy Shaun in the regard that I truly believe he spent each of his days enjoying life. I think a lot of us are guilty of getting caught up in the routineness of life, stringing days and weeks together. He had it down though. He enjoyed the simplicity of what made him happy. The little things: spending time with his girlfriend and loved ones, playing all types of games, and in anyway he could retain his spirit of youth; such as dancing. At the end of my days when I am looking back over my past life I want to be able to know I have lived my days just as Shaun had. To the fullest. Here's to you brother, here's to living full days, full of love for all that we should enjoy.

Christian Choices

We are faced with many challenges throughout our lives. How we deal with and approach these challenges determine our character. Our character thus being defined by our actions. These actions are choices or a series of choices that we have to make. Choices are decisions we make based on our personal morals, ethics, principles, and understanding. More or less our preceptiom of the world and how we see ourselves in the world. Our character though is something a person really can't define for themselves. A persons character is how others see or perceive us. Though, we control this view through the previously mentioned morals, ethics, and principles. Each of us is given challenges to build up are character...or even break down our character. But ultimately this is under our control. It is up to each of us to make choices that are right, that are just, that are fair and equal. Use your lifes challenges to set a good example, to show the world the way of a good and decent man. The Christian way.

More Than Content

It's awesome how the Lord answers our prayers and guides our lives. I will probably never understand his time table but I do know I am truly blessed and greatful for what I do have. I pray everyday hoping the Lord thinks it's time to make my dreams come true. Well to be honest I've have had two dreams. To become a police officer which is still "pending". Though, he has made the more important and meaningful prayer come true. He has brought someone into my life I believe I can/will spend the rest of my life with. He has given me someone that I have fallen in love with. I couldn't be happier than I am now with my girlfriend Nicole. So, if the dream of being a police officer hasn't materialized yet...I am still more than content with life.

My Faith Is In Him

I was recently talking to someone about an aspect of faith. This being about our faith in God during good times and bad. How we often are stongest in our faith and relationship with God when times are good. However, when times are bad or difficult we tend to have questions/prayers that go unanswered. And, in doing so are faith is weakened or tested. Now, I see two ways of looking at this. The first being that we are given these hard times to strengthen our relationship with God. If we are able to 'hang in there' and hand over our lives to God's will are faith is ultamately more secure. The trouble is doing this. We for some reason expect times to always be good. It is a flaw as humans and sinners that we should try to overcome. Though, totally not the easiest of tasks. This is directly correlated to the second way of looking at it... that is we are manipulated by evil, the devil. He wants our faith to be tested. He wants us to turn our backs on God. To do this he has to play some part of a possible demise. These might be the tests that we have to overcome. They are not tests from God but tricks from the devil to try and make it seem as if God were testing our strength in faith with Him. I hope that makes sense. In my head it does anyway. I believe I am able to understand this because of continual prayer about keeping my faith strong. I will not be deceived by any sort hard time (devil's trick) to waver in my faith. I pray for continual strength from God to over come any such deception. Just as the poem "footprints in the sand" points out God will carry us through our hardest and most trying times of life. My faith is in Him!

A Victory Over The Grave

I stand and proclaim that you Lord our my savior! I never will be ashamed of you or your word. You give me strength in all aspects of my life. I ask that you continue to lead me in my life. When I faulter you are there to pick me up. You have saved not only my soul but my flesh and blood life. My debt has been repayed thanks to your unfathomable love. I will let all the world know Jesus saves. I am your servent Lord. I will do your work as best I can. The path you have taken me down has taken away any doubt of the life I am suppose to lead and want to live. Your victory over death has set me free and I am forever greatful.

In The Name Of God

Knowing what you are suppose to do with your life is a blessing. Though, getting to that point in your life where you can actually do it is the hard part, at least for me. I want to help people. I want to make this world a better place in a lot of ways. I believe that what I am suppose to be is a police officer. However, lately I am starting to have doubts. All avenues seen to lead to dead ends. I'm not sure if this is Gods way of telling me to pursue a different path or if he is just testing my charcter and determination. Either way though, I hope the Lord gives me some kind of sign so that I can start doing his work the best can, from a position that I feel would benefit the most people. I know I could do a lot more from where I stand now and maybe that is what I am doing wrong. Maybe if I start putting myself out there he will lead me to where I am suppose to be. I do know what I am suppose to do which is a start. Be devoted Christian in a world that continues to turn it's back on just causes, be a witness to the everlasting love of Christ, be a moral- ethical man in a society that capitalizes off the opposite, be a strong, integrity driven individual. I know what I am suppose to be. Ex cept for the flaw that I am human and do make mistakes I am exactly what I am suppose to be. I just want to have a career where I can do all of those things while making a difference in the name of God.

Stability Through Love

Stability. Is there anything that can/will last? The only thing I am positive about is my faith. I can't believe the peaks and valleys I go through on what seems to be a daily basis. Lord I need you to deliver me from these trials. My faith is unwaving, I will not faulter. You are my rock and my salvation. I would pray for strengh but I no longer need it for I lay all my hope in you. I do pray for constant happiness and for you to bless me with love other than which you already have for me. I know that your love is all I need in this world so I feel selfish for even asking though I am only human and want more. I know love because of you and ask for your blessing in finding it here. I also pray that you bestow upon me a way of proving my heart to her who means the most to me. I pray for a constant stable relationship filled with love in the image of our relationship Lord.

A Simple Philosophy

Treat others as you wish to be treated by others. It is a simple philosophy. I mean how can a person live by a code of conduct other than this. I mean you can take one end of the spectrum or the other. Be extremely nice or be extremely mean. Honestly, that is your choice and life decision. Though, step back for a moment and think of different situations throughout your life when you have been treated both good and bad. Now, for all of those situations can you recall how you had managed the others persons act. We can effectively gauge our personal conduct on how well (or unwell) we reacted to being treated poorly. I believe that every act of kindness I can and have shown can do a bit of good. Though, I am also guilty of having good intentions only to have someone treat me wrongly to do the same unto them. What I am trying to say... no matter what other people do to us we need to continue on with trying to always be good. We are all human, we mess up, so we need to be quick to forgive in order to not judge others on past behavior. That is unless the person is perpetually bad and unwilling to see the wrong they have done.

In God I Trust And In Prayer I Will Take My Questions

All my life I have seen good and bad behavior and intentions. People can show great acks of kindness and have a caring nature. On the other hand people can also be negative and down right mean. In the past few years I have made much progress in getting the negativity out of my life. I have changed many of my ways and even the people I surround myself with. Though, recently I have witnessed a person or two that was once very close to me change their ways. It is a weird/sad thing to watch happen. I have never in my life seen someone abandon their principles and morals and dare I say faith like I have now. I could say it is a variety of things that could/have happened in their life but also I don't believe in excuses for ones actions. In the worst of times you have your faith. I have been there... down and out with what I felt was the bottom, but I still had my faith and hope that the Lord would deliver me from sorrow. I just can not fathom a decision making process that pushes Christian values from ones soul. Today, I actually called this person evil. I am not sure whether or not I meant it but it came out. To be precise I said you need to stop being so evil. Then I asked when the last time they prayed was and instead of giving me an answer they asked the same question back to me as if caught off gaurd. I responded immediately, probably like 40 times a day. That event more or less shook me... cause in the past their answer would have been something like when I woke up or when I went to sleep. I honestly don't know how to go about helping or fixing this problem. I am more or less at a loss. Praying about it is the avenue I am going to pursue but I feel like I need to do something about it immediately. I hope something can be done to "stop the bleeding" because unlike the other people I have cut out of my life due to similar reasons this would leave a lasting effect. I really hope that I am wrong and the faith is still there... it is just masked by an intense darkness of sorts. In God I trust, and in prayer I will take my questions.

Yea, I Have

"But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell."

I Believe

I will never faulter Lord. I live my life in your name. I trust in your word and am humbled by your blessings and grace.

Repost: The Way Things Are

This is a repost from the first month I started this blog.

What happens, happens for a reason. it is only human to question the events of our lives, but it is our faith that gives us hope to realize that God wanted life the way it is. Live your life from day to day. Deal with what happens in the best way you can. Have faith and trust in others. The world still has some good people in it. You are defined by what you do and who you surround yourself with. So, make sure you do what is good for you now and your future...keeping in mind there is more than this mortal world.

Lord Hear My Prayer

I find myself embarking on a new journey. I've been on similar roads in my life but for the first time the path is marked out. I know which direction to go and how to get where I am going. It is as if I use to travel only in the dark. I didn't know where I was going to end up and I just didn't really care. What kind of life is that? The short answer is...it isn't one. The longer answer is...it isn't one that I am going to live any longer. Over the past while I have grown as a Christian and a person beyond what I ever imagined. Now, I am not saying I was ever a bad person or moved around life without direction. For, I have been a good person and have always set goals for myself. Though, Christ has taken away the darkness that use to surround my life and filled it with light. I clearly know where I am and in which direction I am heading. He has given me a gift of rebirth. What truly matters in this world? I can think of one word from which all other good comes...love. His love for me can not be fathomed. Litterally I can not imagine how deep, true and compassionate it is. That alone is enough for me to fall upon my knees and praise him for his wavering love.

I pray that you Lord continue to bless me, my family and friends with the love you so graciously give, I pray that you continue to give me guidance in all aspects of my life, I pray that you give me the strenght to continue doing your work, I pray for piece of mind in all issues that I am unsettled. Lord Hear My Prayer

God Is Great

It's funny how much writting has helped me over the past 18 months or so. Sometimes I just need an outlet for all of my crazy thoughts. Sometimes I actually write down something of meaning, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel as if God is walking my mind through each word I type, as if he is directing the questions and statements I type. For the purpose of leading my mind down a path that in turn leads me to the answer. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but to me it does. It is also kind of exciting. Like to have God listen and answer your prayers in such a mannor. Anyway, God is great. Today, I again renew my faith in our Lord Christ. He is my rock and my shelter, I shall never stumble with him by my side.

My Three F's

In life you need certain things to feel like you are doing well. These things are different for everyone. Sitting here right now, I know what those things are for me. I need my faith, my friends, and my future. I will call them my three f's.

First and foremost my faith. My faith gives me my morals, it distinguishes my ethical background, and developes my character. Without faith I would not be who I am today. My faith has given me strenght to carry on, when without it I would have surely fallen. My faith has given me hope. Hope is one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given us. Through hope we feel alive, safe, and loved; among a multitude of other cheery emotions and feelings. My faith has given me a sense of who I am, a reminder of who I should be, and the knowledge of who I will become. My faith has beaten back the darkness of night and shed light on every aspect of my life. Most importantly my faith has given me eternal life through our redemmer, Jesus Christ. My faith is the backbone of my world. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
(Proverbs 3:5,6) "

My friends are the people in my life that care about me and I care equally for them. They are the people who would go out of their way to help me out in a time of need, they are the people who call just to say hi and check in, they are the people who I would die trying to protect, they are the people who understand my heart as well as my head, they are the people who I can count on to always be there for me. These are true friends. I am blessed to have a handful of these remarkable people in my life. Without them this life would not be what it is. I don't say it as often as I should, but thank you (you know who you are) for being one of these special blessings in my life. I do need you in my life to feel complete. --- Linked though different is another type of friend I know I need in my life. A significant other. I need someone in my life that I can connect with just as my handful of best friends and I connect. But also on a deeper level. This level is something that I have been missing for the past two maybe three years. The reason for this has been unclear to me for awhile. The question I have had run through my mind over and over again is," God, why haven't I met someone yet". I have been praying about this constantly, day in and day out, without much of an answer. Until very recently, the question now has become, "Is this who you have sent me Lord". I kind of feel silly asking this question. The reason is basically because of my faith. I had been praying for so long and asking the Lord to help bring someone into my life... and now that he has...am I second guessing Him or questioning his intention? So, that being said, I believe that this is God's will, this is someone He has given me the blessing to pursue. "And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him.
--Genesis 2:18".

Now, what I mean by my future is simple. Continue praising and worshipping God... my future is full of unwritten chapters that I will eventually fill, guided by Christ. At the end of this mortal life I know I have an eternal one waiting for me. "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: and I give unto them eternal life.
--John 10:27, 28 "

I couldn't pick one...

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.
--John 11:25, 26

In conclusion, I know what I want/need out of life to be happy... in brief... A strong, ever growing relationship with Christ, companionship of all kinds, and my salvation. I am growing happier by the day.

His Infinite Wisdom

A lot of us pray. I pray a lot everyday. Not everything I pray for actually happens. Though, I have no doubt that the Lord hears each and every prayer. God in his infinite wisdom knows what's best for us. Sometimes we pray for something and it comes true, sometimes we pray and it will not come true for a while, sometimes we pray and pray and it never happens. I think the Lord knows what to act on and when to act on it. Actually I know he does. However, it is up to us to keep putting our faith in the Lord God and asking for his guidance through prayer. I am thankful for all he has blessed me with; I can only keep doing what I have been doing to live the life he wants me too. That is praying for his wisdom to fall upon me and help direct the choices I make.

The Turning Point

I hate sitting around waiting for things to happen. If I am not being proactive I feel like a waste. I just feel stuck lately...in a sense that I have to sit around and wait for things to improve. Pertaining to my job and living situation anyway. I don't really want to get an apartment because I feel like I would just be throwing my money away, but this seems to be the only viable option. As for my job, it is what it is. I need to get more serious about getting into law enforcement. I need to hold myself accountable and get into a serious routine. The problem isn't not knowing what I have to do. The problem is the will power to face challenges that can yield great reward but are easily pushed aside by laziness, or other less than stellar qualities. Well, I have the mind set and the will to follow through this time around. This marks the turning point.

The Search Continues

Finding a Meaningful relationship has become one of the most difficult things I've had to go through. It use to come so easily. I met someone, we liked each other, we started dating. Plain and simple. Now, as I get older there are so many different dimensions for picking a person to start a relationship with, according to society. I mean the key characteristics are the same between society and my approach: find them attractive, have a good personality and get along well. The above use to be all that was really needed to at least make an attempt at a relationship. Now, however, we judge possible significant others on their job, education and their past. I don't want to be part of that mold. I don't care where you went to school or if you did at all, I don't care if you make 80k or 8k. What I do care about are your moral convictions, your ability to let go and have fun, your wit and sense of humor. I look for qualities such as integrity, ambition, and strength of character. These are all things we ourselves can control and determine. We choose how we are defined based on our beliefs and ideals. While I didn't attend the best university, I am still intelligent...while I don't have the greatest job, I still work hard. And, even though I might never have millions of dollars, I do know what I want out of life... I want to be happy. Happiness comes to different people in different ways. I am my happiest when I have someone to share this life with...so in conclusion: the search continues.

Don't Let Life Pass You By

It has become clear to me that the majority of people in this world let life pass them by. I can not fathom going through life without enjoying each moment. We often don't appreciate our lives, by that I mean, we don't make good use of our time. People in general are stuck on societies beliefs that a successful life is shaped by status and status coming from money, power, and title. My question though is what good are all those things if you don't enjoy the journey obtaining them? I mean I'm sure a select few people do like their rode to "success" but I'm willing to bet that most miss out on a lot of other opportunities often without realizing it. Don't get me wrong either, I do like having nice things and a means of obtaining them. Though, my thought structure is significantly unorthodox, at least compared to what I think is the norm. At this point in my life I am still young enough to enjoy each day and all this world has to offer, without being rich. However, I believe myself to be extremely wealthy. Wealthy in sense that I have great friends, family and the time to enjoy both as often as humanly possible. When I am old and grey I won't have much to look back on and regret ( unless I end up broke haha). But really I'm not saying people shouldn't care about their careers and the dollars they bring in because I do very much. I do have goals and the ambition to achieve them. What I am saying is...find a happy medium. Stop worrying so much if life doesn't go the way you planned, don't let yourself fall into a routine boring life, make extra time for fun...whatever fun is to you, do it more, do it often and do it well. Because chances are when you are old and grey you won't be able to do the things you can today. Time is precious and is spent recklessly in general...at least according to me. Don't let life pass you by.

When You Are Looking...

At different times in our lives we go looking to fill certain voids. It always seems the harder we look the more elusive the "filler" becomes. I don't want to give up searching for these things because I feel a certain obligation to myself not to give up but also then second guess myself wondering if I should just put faith in God to let it happen as it will. It is that ageless question whether or not we control our own destiny? I believe we do to a certain extent, though I don't know where that leaves me. Do I continue searching and all the while praying God meets me half way? I suppose that is what I believe and will do... I will eventually find what I am looking for due to my persistence and God's will or what some call fate and yet others call luck. Regardless of what you believe or what you call it we all begin and end at the same places. That is if we have the same mindset to begin with. That mindset being goal oriented, strong willed, and determined.

Dark Hearts, Dark Days

There are not many bright times left in this world. The days are often eclipsed in sorrow, hurt, greed, hate and bitterness. I find that more and more people forget about common decency, they forget how to feel empathy or even sympathy. It is a world bound, by the now common thought of, 'it is all about me'. This practice smuthers all types of relationships, from significant others to the closest of friends. It hurts me to watch people around me lose faith in hope. Though, I can barely blame them and the more I watch the further that very hope slips from my own soul. What causes this, this loss of hope? I truly believe it falls almost entirely on one issue, one fault. We as a people have lost appreciation for others good deeds, for what our peers graciously have done for us. Simply we take a lot for granted. If we are taken for granted enough times why keep on doing what we do? For our own piece of mind? Well that may work for a few, I can promise you it is not the majority. The majority will eventually stop putting themselves out there. The reason for stopping is smiple...we don't want to feel that sting in our heart. That feeling of having done something worthy, respectable or just plain nice, this feeling should be rewarding even if only to us but it's been squandered by those who our act has so graciously been given. Because they haven't acknowledged our effort we feel that bitter sting deep in our heart. It darkens our days and this world. For a world without hope is a world without light.

Talk Your Talk, I'll Still Walk My Walk

It is completely astonishing to me how much people judge others. Everyday, day in and day out people: gossip, talk trash, compare, and judge people. I am sick and tired of being involved in it in any way. I don't want to be the subject of your chatter and believe me I don't want to participate either. This has been going on a great deal in my life lately. Honestly, knock it off. Talk to each other as civil people. Especially, if you personally know the people you are talking badly about. There is no reason to act the way people have been acting. It's immature and quiet literally offensive. What happened to honor, and respect? Not only for other people but for yourselves. This type of behavior has no positive effect and lacks even a strand of integrity. Worst of all you do not see fault in yourselves for your blunder, which ultimately makes you a hypocrite. I will live my life how I see fit, if you don't like it -- oh well. I will live my life according to no man, just one God and my decisions. He will judge me, not you.

Written Off

I find myself trying to look at the good in people a lot more lately. I want to forget about all the stupid stuff that has gone on in my life. I went through it, I learned from it and I want to move on. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are truly good people. We all make mistakes. I understand that. I wish other people could realize this too. Why hold a grudge? Why be disrespectful? Why not try and like/love everyone. The bible says to love thy neighbor. I don't know...it is an easy concept to me, just a bit harder to put into action.

I have wronged people, I have given people reasons not to look up to me, I have given people reasons to not trust me, I have even given people reasons not to respect me. I have given people reasons to write me off, and they have. I believe we all do these things at times in our lives... and it goes one of two ways: we realize it or we don't. When we realize it we give ourselves some hope of redemption. If we understand why, who, what, etc we can actively seek out ways to repair or fix peoples views of us. That is if we care enough to do so. Now, I really don't care if people have negative views of me... when they do not know me or have never tried to understand me (the opposite of this is called a friend). Though, I do care, and I care very much what my family and friends think of me. I would love to have great relationships with all the people in my life but I do understand that it is nearly impossible for everything to be great all the time. Everytime someone of meaning leaves my life for one reason or another I feel like I am incomplete. There are a few people out there that are no longer a part of my life that I miss very much and think about nearly on a dayly basis. This makes me feel as I said 'incomplete' because I have put so much time into these relationships; sometimes years worth or more. But it really isn't the amount of time that makes a relationship worth something (at least to me). It is the quality of connection and understanding you have with them. For those that want nothing to do with me because of one thing or another I can only pray that God softens their heart and somehow beings us back together.

Everyone deserves another and another chance. We are only human we break down and screw up... often a lot more than we realize. I want to be able to open my heart and mind to those I have 'written off' and I hope that I can. I pray that I can. I only ask the same from some of you out there that have 'written" me off or anyone else.

To The Future

I don't really know what change I need in my life... probably much more than one thing. Though, I am again moving out of Oxford. My situation here has been taken care of for the most part and don't need to be here anymore. So, I am looking at places in Danbury and Bethel. I believe that part of my lack of happiness has been being held down here when there isn't much for me around here anymore. I want to be around people that are genuinely good, and that have the right motivation in life. I want to be around the people I know are good, true friends...that is why I am sacrificing a longer trip to work to live in the Danbury area. With my schedule the way it is I only have to drive to work three times a week anyhow. Those three times will even be cut down to two. This is because I will stay at my grandmothers house in Shelton on the 8 hour "sleep break" I have between two of my 16 hour shifts. So, in reality I am only giving up about 4 hours of time off a week for the distance change in driving. I can easily handle that if my time off becomes better for me. By that I mean...usefully/relaxing/stress free or at least less stressful. Moving out was going to happen soon anyhow because my house will be on the market anyhow within the next couple of months. So, instead of dealing with the move out then I am being proactive about it and looking for places now. I want a place I can call home again... for awhile now where I am at hasn't felt like home... more as a place I was living between stages of my life. well, here's to the future.

Just Try

I wish I had more people in my life that tried to understand me. I wish I had more people that wanted to be/were there for me. Not only when I am down but all the time. I wish I had more people that cared for the right reasons. Honestly, on a day to day basis there are not that many people out there. It is what it is I guess but I have always said don't judge me unless you know me. By 'know me' I don't just mean you are my friend and we hang out sometimes. I mean know my life, know what I am going through, know what tortments me, what makes me happy, and how I deal with those extremes and everything in between. There are so many of you out there I consider great friends, and there are more and more I use to consider close friends that have pulled away for one reason or another. I do believe a lot of those reasons are my fault, know that. Though, a true friend never leaves someone when they need them most. If you are asking yourself how would I know 'you' need me, there are signs, there are actions, there are times if you take a minute to think about it to tell when your friend (or myself) is down and out. Or hurting and just needs someone to understand/to try and understand/ to talk to/ to just be there. I thank the few people in this God awful world that stay close to the people in their lives that need it most, that try to understand even if its just with sympathy... because not many of us can actually put ourselves in someone elses shoes to empathize unless they have been there. It stikes me as irresponsible to not at least try. Brothers, friends, family be there for the people in your lives at all times. Be a crutch to help someone up, be a shoulder to cry on, have strong arms to hold someone. Be a friend. Now, I am certainly not saying I am a prime example for I have failed at being a friend as well in this regard. I realize that and truly try and be the best I can for others. Though, I am only human...we all are. I put it on everyone (including myself) to try harder to be more for those out there who need us. Just try. It will go further than you could ever expect. And, one day it will find itself full circle when you need the same act of friendship.

Love Is Life

I have been living a life that I didn't want to live. I have been someone I didn't want to be. I never thought that my life would have gotten away from me the way it has. The choices I have made during the past few years have been selfish and stupid. Selfish, because I haven't always thought about others and I have done what I believed would make me happy. Stupid, because I didn't think about the true consequences of my ways. It is really difficult for me to say that I regret those choices based on all I believe about how making wrong choices eventually makes us better people. Though, I truly wish I could go back in time and undo one or two of the major mistakes I have made. I don't know if that makes me weak because I am dwelling on what could have been but honestly if that is a label I get for doing this, so be it. Though, maybe this "weakness" will help me prevent situations like those of the past. I am always trying to learn a lesson from my misfortunes though I am getting sick and tired of trying to look at the good side of bad, because when it comes down to it BAD is still BAD.

Really though, I am starting to get worried that life has passed me by... that all I had was the best it could have been and I threw it all out because I was scared and whatever else. I pray that I get one more chance to make this life what I want and know it could be. I am 25 years old... I wanted a lot more out of life (and had it but lost it so I know it exists). I don't mean possesions like a house, or sweet cars. By "a lot" I mean a fulfilling life. And by a fulfilling life I mean... love.

The Burden Of Waiting

Faith. It's what I got. I just wonder when my prayers are going to be answered. I know that God will reveal my life to me when he feels I am ready and also when it is the proper time according to his plan. Knowing this though is such a burden.

Friendship

People who you can actually rely on come into our lives very seldom. I have a few people in my life that I truly believe would be there for me through anything. Also, that these people would go out of their way for me and do whatever they could to help me out. I want them to know that I really do appreciate that friendship we share. Love you guys

Consistently Happy?

I need to find happiness again. While I have had good days and bad days, I haven't had consistency with happiness in a very long time. I would say it has been about two years since I woke up happy and went to bed happy, day in and day out. Everything has been stacking up on top of me. It honestly is getting overwhelming. If you know me you probably know of some of the things I am going through. Though, that is not where I want this post to go. The point of this post is suppose to be... realizing what makes you happy and going for it... So, with that being said, what has made me happy in the past has been being in a relationship I care about. For the past two years I have been in and out of relationships nothing that has ever really developed into anything more than dating. Maybe, because I wasn't ready or other reasons I really don't know. However, whatever my approach to relationships has been for the past few years I am throwing out the window. I need to try something new for my sake. I can not keep traveling down the same dead ends. I need to pursue situations that actually have a shot at making sense. I have been doing one of two things...trying to make something work, that simply won't or dating someone just because I hope that I will close a gap in my life. Both of these are horrible for me and both end up badly. I need to grow up in this aspect of my life...I am going to work on it...no more foolishness.

Facts Are Facts

For the last couple months I have been trying to fool myself with a lot of different things. I think that this type of behavior happens a lot. The more I think about my actions and past decisions, the more I believe that I have been tricking myself. I have been pursuing paths that probably do not make much sense in the sceme of my life. It is because of this false hope I have been giving myself, that I am in the state I am now. That state being, uncertain. I need to start realizing that things are the way they are and some things can not be changed no matter how much I believe they can. Facts are facts. Even as I write this, however, I find myself doubting I will change my train of thought. Hope is still something that is nearly impossible to turn your back on. As much as I would like to move onto different avenues in my life that hope still sits in the back of my head. I mean this in a bunch of different situations... jobs, family, relationships, friends, etc. But, I guess realizing that the facts of our lives are indeed truths is the first step in understanding change needs to be made from the current state of mind.

Happy Birthday

Today I turned 25. Within a matter of minutes I realized who my true friends were, at least by my standards. I would post what I felt they were but honestly if you don't already know then forget it. Times like now make me feel like I need to get away more than ever. I don't know...

Taking Advantage

As I approach 25 years old, I realize that life has given me many opportunites. I have taken advantage of a lot of them but also have failed on realizing some. My goal for the next 25 years is to take advantage of everything the Lord puts in front of me. I do not want to miss out on anything that life has to offer. Each experience is unique in its own way. I look forward to what these coming years have to offer. I am also very thankful for all that I have seen and done so far. I can only hope that the Lord continues to bless my life as he most certainly has thus far.

It Is What It Is

Today I realized I have been holding onto what I will call the "glory days". The fact is though that times have changed and people have changed (including myself). I am not sure what the exact combination is but a lot of the things I use to find appealing I now find appalling. Or at the very least I am uninterested. So, maybe I don't see them as the "glory days" now...I think that each chapter of our life has a time we can refer to such as this. I think I am at that time in my life where I want to start to calm down and settle in. Now, I don't mean get married and have a family. More along the lines of make mature decisions and make some major life choices. Though, maybe it is time to stop screwing around and go back to taking relationships seriously and if someone comes along to see where it takes me. I have had the mentality of being single, though I am starting to believe I am most happy when I am with someone I care about. Someone to talk to and spend time with, other than my friends. I think it is that unique bond between myself and her which makes me the most content with life. The trick...finding someone. I don't know my life doesn't make much sense to me sometimes but keeping the faith is what I will do. It is what it is.

I do realize that this post is all over the place haha

What Tomorrow Brings

Tonight my life is hanging in the balance. Tomorrow my life takes one of a few directions. Whatever direction the Lord leads me I will follow. I know I should be relaxed knowing I have so many people praying for me and the mind set that everything will be alright. Though, as of right now I am not sure I could be any more nervous or uncertain about tomorrow and the days that follow. It isn't a lack of faith or anything but the uncertainty that now looms over my head. All that I have accomplished since high school could in form be washed meaningless if this frabrication isn't cleared up. It truly raises questions about how much power some public officials have and their potential abuse of such power. I guess I will find out first hand tomorrow about some of the checks and balaces of our current system. At least I hope that I find out about the checks and balances...if not I will most likely become a victim of the wrongfully accused.

I ask for your prayers

He In Whom I Trust

Until recently, I have been very confused about the meaning of my life. I have made many minor mistakes and some major mistakes in my life. I also have made many good decisions and a few great decisions. All of it though, can not be changed. My life is what it is today because of those decisions and mistakes. That quote, "You made your bed, now you have to lay in it", has crossed my mind many times in the past few days. The events in my life are my doing. It is because of my own actions I am living the life I am.

Now, saying this conflicts with two thoughts I have...freewill and fate (or God's plan). I know that they are inter-twined and one can not be without the other. Which, makes this topic probably one of the hardest things to discuss or write about. But, what I do know is that because of the decisions I/God have made for me I am "laying in the bed we made". Knowing that this is part of my plan makes each decision the "right" one. It is hard for me to believe there is truly a wrong choice. Yes, in many peoples eyes there are clear definitions of right and wrong, when it comes to life choices. I have always followed my heart. What I believe is right for me, must in fact be right for me.

For the past few days I began to believe my life was in some sort of struggle. That I was fighting an uphill battle that I could not win. I couldn't catch a break. Then, the other night I prayed while I walked around outside at work. I asked for God's guidence for his help in straightening my life out. To give me some chance to do what I wanted to do with my life. As, I was doing this I came to the realization that though my life seemed to be all over the place...it in fact was in order. Organized chaos...a lot of things happening at once, all in God's time frame that when brought together and thought about made sense.

Now, people may say I am a lunatic for thinking like this and that in fact I just need to keep on the path I was traveling to reach the goal I had set for myself. I would agree with them, though there are so many signs telling me to take a different route. To turn away from the path that seemed so right, sometimes takes a little faith. Luckily, this is the one thing I have plenty of.

This being said, I decided that I do in fact want to pursue some type of military career. I talked with a recruiter today and asked a bunch of questions about the road I want to travel. I would very much like to enlist in the US Air Force. I want to become an officer and serve this country, its people and God. Now, it isn't the easiest process to become an officer in any branch but this is my goal. I believe that I could do the most good from a position such as this. I am going to test for other branches of the military also and see which most I feel I belong. If the AF doesn't work out hopefully I will have other options.

I truly hope that all of my friends and family will support me in this decision. I will need it. There are a lot of very special people in my life that I know for certian I will miss a great deal. But, this is the path I really want to follow and see where it leads me.

"My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust" Psalms

Pressing On

I have been noticing more and more people dwelling over situations in their lives. Grinding themselves for meaning and understanding of the events going on, on a day to day basis. While each of us should have some type of plan for ourselves, it isn't always going to go how we want it to. Our "plan" is always changing in and out of the mold we thought we had set. Live each day as it could be your last. Make each day count and do things that will make you happy. Happiness is really what keeps each of us going. If we have a bad day we hope that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it won't be and sometimes it will be. However, I have come to realize racking ourselves over what is going on only takes away from what we do have. As hard as it seems sometimes to just let things go and just understand what they are. We have to do just that then move on quickly as to not dwell in something we can not change. Keep pressing on and life will play itself out.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards"

The New Year

Welcome to 2010.

Well. This blog orginally began as an outlet for me to express my frustration with a relationship I was in little less than a year ago. However, it has turned into an expression of my inner most thoughts, a way for me to escape from thoughts that sometimes dwel inside me. I have had almost only good feed back from those people who have read it. I am glad that whatever thoughts I have written down in the past year or so have been at least interesting enough for those of you who read it to come back for more. It makes me really happy to hear from people who do read it...though I am caught off guard almost everytime that I am told by someone they read it. Probably because I never really meant for it to be for anyone but myself, though I am happy with what it has become.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me through the past year. Knowing that I have friends and family like all of you behind me makes it each day a little easier. I will continue to do have I have been doing... telling it how it really is...according to me. Thank you again for everyone's continued support and love.