Faith In The Lord

Life is very strange. Fate is totally something I believe in. Everything happens for a reason. A reason that is part of Gods plan. Sometimes we do not understand why things happen but we have to believe that if God brought us to it he will bring us through it. Also, we have to stop living in the past. Why dwell on something that hasn't made it to the present time in your life. It is obviously in the past for a reason. The quote I heard a preacher say the other night was, "why put a question mark where God has already put a period". This hits very close to home. I am at a point in my life where I am realizing that I can not try to change the past but embrace it. It has made me who I am today and I could not be happier. I am content where my life is at this point. I am striving to better myself and others while trying to achieve my goals in law enforcement. I can not wait to see what the next six months hold and where I will be by the end of summer. If it is in this very same place, so be it. God has a plan for me and I will follow my heart.

Break From Reality

So, since Wednesday I have been in Keene, New Hampshire visiting Matt and his whole crew. I had absolutely nothing coming up police wise or even job related so I decided to lead an alternative life than the one I was use to. Well maybe. I say maybe because my life for the past year or so has been one of just making the most of life. I haven't had a job since I worked at Gymnastic Spectrum (that's right haha) 13 months ago. I have lived off of my savings and now they are pretty much depleted. So, this one last trip has been the final hurrah. When I get back to Connecticut tomorrow I am forcing myself to pick up a part time job somewhere while I continue to pursue a career in law enforcement.

This trip has opened up my eyes to a broader array of potential avenues. I am largely increasing the spectrum of departments I am going to apply for, meaning not just CT departments. Also, I am waiting for the government application to apply to take the civil service test. A government job in homeland security is something that I have always wanted to do but am finally taking the first steps. Also, I realized that I do not have to live in CT. I am just fine in new places with new people and I have to do want I have to do. I can't be concerned about leaving people behind or losing them. Cause if they want to be in my future they will actively try to be.

There Is Dawn After The Night

So, I have been a lot happier lately. I have been looking at the world in a different light. It is a place that gets darker and darker every single day... people lie more, cheat more, steal more, and overall disregard the cost of sinning more. Though, this does not have to affect the good people and for the most part I believe it doesn't. We all do stupid things sometimes but the good we bring to this world definitely outweighs the bad. The reason I believe I have been happier is because for once in my life I am living for me. Now, this may seem selfish but let me explain. What makes me happy is being with people that are positive and are trying to better their lives. Helping people because it feels good in my heart. And doing things that boost my confidence and make me more healthy.

Sigma Chi, the gym, shooting hoops, running, music... among some other thing.

I do miss some things a lot more than I thought was possible, but now it also seems like life will actually go on. I don't know what the future brings but I know what I want in it.

Thank You

So, I have had a handful of people come up to me or get a hold of me in a variety of ways regarding this blog. I believe you can only comment on my entries directly if you also have a blog. If you want to comment feel free to send me an email at iotaetasig@yahoo.com or facebook message me. I will respond to any and all comments. I really appreciate all of the support and am thankful for everyone in my life. Thank you for caring and being here for me...it is amazing to know how many people read this and care. My spirits are lifted more and more each time I hear people like what I am writing. Thank you again for being in my life and I hope you continue to read!

Looking Ahead

So...I failed my Vernon PD interview. It sucked at first but now I am over it. I learn a lot about the process. I took the interview and thought that I had did pretty well. It lasted about 30 minutes and then they asked me to take a seat outside. I waited for a few minutes and was invited back into the interview room. They had told me that I had really good opening and closing statements. That they took a lot of notes about my dedication to becoming a police officer. I only answered one of their questions wrong. I will not go into it because I do not want that to be held against me in future opportunities. Though, unless I was absolutely perfect I was not going to be passed to the next step. This was my first oral interview and as I have heard it takes the majority of candidates numerous times to pass it... I will NOT fail again. The oral board invited me back in and even though I guess they usually do not tell you what you did wrong they did me in a favor and explained that I had originally answered the question I got wrong right. Then they played mind games and tricked me out of my answer. So, it is what it is. From now on I will stick to my guns and go with my first answers.

I can not dwell in what could have been. I can only move ahead and set my sights on the next goal. Obtaining my CHIP card (the physical fitness exam). As, I am really sick right now this may be hard to do. I have about two weeks to get better but as you all know it takes me a while to recover sometimes. I'll pray.

Correction Officer scores come out early next week. I am excited to see how I did. I hope something comes through with this as it will be great job experience for future opportunities with the police.

In the next six months I could have up to eight more oral exams for police departments depending on invitations, and other exam scores. So, pray with me and have the Lord bless me and watch over me. Thank you.

Pressing On...Somehow

Going on with life. I have a lot of upcoming interviews, tests, and appointments. As much as life brings me down I have to push ahead and keep trying to improve my life.

March 11th - Interview for Vernon PD
March 16 - Correction Officer test results and physical fitness registration
March 28 - Police Officer Physical endurance test

April will include... Another police physical fitness try if I fail the first one, applications for two more police departments, the correction officer physical test, and hopefully more departments asking for me to interview.

For the interview on Wednesday I am going in clean shaven, this will be the first time in over 6 years that I will be baby faced. I hate it, haha. It will all come back so I am not too worried.

I am asking for all your prayers for this interview. If I pass it I immediately start the background check process and get fingerprinted, which moves me considerably closer to my goal, of becoming a cop.

The only thing about Vernon that worries me is that they are only hiring one candidate. There were like 300 people that started the process, 200 passed the written, and 40 were invited to interview. So, it is getting narrowed down but there are still 40 of us. I hope that none of the other candidates have personal connections with the department or anything like that, that will give them an advantage in some way. I can only do my best and I will.

Spring Ahead....Fall Behind. The Minutes Stay The Same

The days pass by at a much slower rate. At least that is how the past two weeks have felt. I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. The day isn't filled with joy or happiness. Each day seems like it lasts so much longer because I have nothing to look forward to. Well at least nothing that brings love into my life. I press on only because hope is alive in my head and Christ in my heart. I strive to find the words, the actions, and some possible way to go back in time to make things right... a struggle without end it seems. I pray that God watch over me and help me through this time. Love always

A New Life

These past 5 days have been very tough. I did not follow my guidelines as strictly as I would have liked, however I accomplished everything I wanted to any more. I have taken a deep, long look at myself and who I am. By spending so much time by myself I truly believe that I am different. I have spent much of my time praying and feel a closer more personal relationship with God. Now, I want to make the relationships I have in my life more meaningful and stronger. I want to spend time with the people I love and care about. I am driving up to Keene state with Jon tonight to visit Matt for the weekend. The new me is here... from this point on I will only better myself and make sure I do not lapse into someone I do not want to be.

I fear it is to too late to fix some relationships. Maybe in time. Who knows. Though, I will always have a place in my heart for those people who do not want a part in my future, but were such a big part of my past. I will always have love.

I considered ending this blog after this week was over. I created it to help me get my thoughts out, but I have had a bunch of people (surprisingly) tell me that they read it and like my thoughts. So, I will continue to tell the world my feelings and inner most thoughts. Maybe we can all learn something together.

Raise Me Up

For me, hope is all I have to live for. Hope, that life will get better, I will be happy, I will find someone to spend forever with, hope that God will see me through this. Each day for the past week or two I waking up asking myself what I could have done to prevent this misery. I also answer that question each morning, however it doesn't ever give me any comfort. I go on with my days as a robot. I do what I know I have to do to get by and that is it. I pray to wake up one of these days knowing everything will be okay. I want to wake up thinking about the future, instead of dwelling in the past. What could have been, what should have been... it doesn't matter any more. I can not ask myself those questions, yet I am too weak.

Last night contained the weakest moments of my young life. I questioned God, and his plan. I have always been a strong believer in his plan. That everything happens for a reason. Last night I fell so low that it seemed I would never have enough strength to pick myself up. I will NEVER let that happen again. Again, I dedicate my life to Christ and ask for forgiveness.

I pray that my Lord watch over my family and friends, I pray he raise me up. I pray for new beginnings and a clean slate. I thank God for everything that he has given me and that he will continue to bless me and the people I know and love. I HAVE HOPE! I HAVE THE LORD!

Fate

I am experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I am doing alright and everything seems like it is getting better, then the next my heart is broken. I build myself up with different things and expressing myself to just be deflated by a single sentence here and there. Maybe I deserve that. I have been praying and hoping for anything to do to show the people in my life that they mean the world to me. Specific people anyhow. I think most of my friends and family know that I count on them everyday in different ways and I am grateful for everything they give me. For, those that I have either wronged or hurt or do not believe me. I am a new man. The past did happen, that was the old me, I take complete responsibility. That being said, the past is gone. It is a new day, a new way, a new me. Have faith.

I believe the reason all this is happening is to change me and the people around me. This change will allow for better relationships. So, that the problems of yesterday no longer can plague the days of tomorrow.

I Am Being Carried

Footprints In The Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

--Thank You

Redeemed

Another new day. Thank God. Last night was a little rough. It is so difficult going from feeling like you're at the top of the world to having to pull yourself up off the floor. This is how I feel with almost everything now. It is a chore to actually do things. Anything. I know I will get over it and that it will not last forever. It is just so hard when you spill your heart filled with every true emotion, every sincere thought and each good intention...then you get less than nothing in return. It is like everything you are doesn't mean anything and isn't enough. Though, it is strange because I know everything that I am and exactly who I am. I am first and foremost a man of God, I live without worry do to Christ my redeemer. I once heard this... If a bird flew to a beach and grabbed one grain of sand then flew one million years to a distant planet and dropped that grain there to make a new beach, then that same bird flew a million years back here and repeated that for each beach on earth, the time it would take that bird to succeed would just be the beginning of eternity. What I am trying to say is that this lifetime no matter how bad it sucks, we each have an eternity to look forward to. Because of Christ. Next, I am genuine, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, faithful, and inspired. I am a man of character and integrity. I am someone who ever strives to reach the unreachable.

In my darkest times I still see light. The poem footprints in the sand, explains this very well. I will post it next.

Who's In Your Life?

Only A Man by Jonny Lang

I used to live my life in fear
Was worried all the time
From waking up to laying down
I had no peace of mind
The world became a darkened place
A struggle without end
Although bitter times those were
The days that I had began to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church
With questions in my mind
Then turned my back and ran away
From God who gave me life
Then one night his presence fell
I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried, Dear Jesus, rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said, What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now?
I've been inside your head hearing you scream out.
Well here I am, just take my hand and I'll take out
All of the pain and all of the fear
All of the fear



We need to rely on Christ, we can lay all of our fears, burdens, and sins at his feet. He will take them all and set us free. Be with the Lord. Today, I again re-dedicate myself and life to Christ.

Finding Me

The future is a mystery, though we can reveal parts of it by doing certain things in the present. The way you live today dictates what will be tomorrow. Today I thought about my future a lot. I have thought about the different jobs I am a candidate for: Correction officer, small town cop, NYPD, and college securities. My ultimate goal is to become a police officer. I do not care what state, whether its a town cop or state police. I only care that I am able to serve a community and that the people benefit from my service. I want to help people. I want to make this world better and more safe for each of us.

Then I thought about the future as far as the people in it. I want to make my relationships better and stronger and more meaningful. I want a deeper connection with those I love. Then I thought about how I would do such things. The first is being myself, the person I truly am. Then, confide in each of the people I love, have trust in them. There is no room for distrust in friendship, relationships, or love. I will live my life closer to the ideals of Christ ever striving to reach the unreachable. In turn the people around me will get to know the person I should have been all along.

- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me -

I Hurt I Have Never Known

I have never felt so alone as I have these past few days. Today is the worst it has been and I am sure it hasn't peaked. I have so many things swimming through my head and it is as if I can't catch a single one long enough to actually think about it. I feel hated, deserted, alone, cold, sad, and a thousand other things that make me physically ill. I can't sleep or be awake each are too hard to do right now. I find myself saying forget about it all and move on. Though, I can't move on because there are certain things each of need to push on, to excel, to live life. When you have finally found that thing that motivates you and you lose it somehow it is a whirlwind. You have no idea which way is the right way, or where the right path will even take you.

I do not mean career, school, or religious wise either. I mean emotionally, and personally. I feel as if I am crippled and have no one to help me, to speak with, to understand me. Likewise, I feel a absence or a hole in my heart because someone isn't confiding in me. I feel like a useless vessel stranded on an arctic sea. Cold, alone, and the waves are splashing all around pushing me in no particular direction.

A Real Answer

A more in depth answer to why I am doing this.

I have always been a very confident person. I know what I want and I know I can get it if I try. Getting what I want however hasn't made me happy. Once things come together in my life I have a habit of letting them fall apart. I want to stop unintentionally sabotaging my life. I want to be able to put my heart and mind 100% into everything all the time not just for a period of time. It is not fair to myself or others. I have let people down and hurt others. I do not want to make any one feel like this again. So, in these next 5 days or so I am going to look at everything that I could have been done to prevent hurting those I love. I will also then look at what else I could do to make the good things in my life better and hopefully in the end have some idea of what I should be doing different. I have many ideas already and know exactly where to start. Re-building damaged bridges. Even if some of those bridges have been burned and there is nothing left... I will start from scratch. I am going to be a better person to myself, others and God. Starting today.

Self Evaluation

I am taking the next five days to re-evaluate my life and what I want and need in it. I will not be accepting any phone calls, text messages, or answering emails. Leave me messages if it is important but I will not call, unless urgent. The only times I will be in public are for my correction officer exam on Tuesday and the gym once a day for training for police officer physicals.

I will be updating this blog several times daily and writing about my feelings and the issues I am dealing with. Comment on them if you have an opinion on anything. I love you all and in no way is this because I am mad at anyone or for any other reason than to look at myself at a deeper level.

Where I Get Lost

What are your favorite memories? Take a minute to skim over your past life and think about your happiest moments. I have found myself doing this a lot lately. Talking with people and recalling old times.

Now that you have thought about those select few favorite memories I am sure you could tell me in detail everything about the moment or moments. Where it was, who you were with, what was going on.

My favorite moment lucky for me has been repeated many times. It happens a handful of times each year, each summer to be specific. Our summer cabin is located on a lake in Upstate New York... Evening is the best time to fish. I begin this memory by packing the old aluminum canoe with a few drinks, a couple fishing poles and my favorite paddle. I would then set off slowly toward the opposite end of the lake gently gliding on the glass like water. A few minutes into the paddle I am about at the mid way point of the lake and look across the lake to see the mirror like clarity of the state forest on the lake with the sun beaming on the beach and actual landscape. The sun is setting so only the side of the lake I am looking at is in the sun. It is still warm and the stickiness of the summer heat from hours before is on my skin. Small birds are starting to swoop down low to the water to catch all the little bugs near the waters surface. A few bats are a bit higher up. I find my favorite spots and settle in for a couple dozen casts. It doesn't matter if I catch a single fish; it's about being there in that particular moment. The world seems to go away. It is you among the lily pads, the occasional fish, your thoughts and God. Closer to dusk you can do a 360 look around at all the little cabins and cottages lighting up small campfires, other fishermen taking in the exact same experience, and every now and then a fish jump clear out of the water. The sounds are unlike anywhere else I have been... A owl hoots every now and again and you try to anticipate its next hoot but it is never correct. Small motors on fishing boats as they change locations. The many bullfrogs calling out to be noticed. The splash as my paddle slices into the still water and the reel as I retrieve my cast. When I am out on the water like this in my canoe I get lost in my thoughts and dreams. This is my favorite memory.

How I Live

I live my life a simple way. I strive to make those around me better, happy and content with their lives. I also try to bring my Christian ideals to as many that will hear me preach. I live my life this way because it makes me happy with life. I love to fill my days with the people I enjoy being with. Do what makes you enjoy living.