A Brand New Start

I wrote this about the girl who got away. I made some really poor decisions a few years ago and to this day they haunt my mind. Even if it can never be reversed my heart will always be on my sleeve.

Your smile was like an autumn sunset
Just as beautiful as the day we first met
You looked at me with the most gorgeous eyes
Big and brown they gave me butterflies
Your love was unlike anything I have ever known
A love that I had never been shown
When I told you I loved you it came from my heart
It was true love from the very start
That first night that I held your hand
I believed one day you would wear my wedding band
We had been through a very lot
Believe me all of those things I have never forgot
In the middle of the night you'd wake me to get you a drink
Across a room we'd look at each other and give a blatant wink
One time I asked you to dance outside your car
Another I was a 1000 miles away but really you weren't far
You gave me a piece of your most prized possession
I remember one time we teamed up in a greek council session
One night we laid in bed slightly upset
Because we found out you weren't pregnant
These memories are the highlight of my life
Since without you its been nothing but strife
You brought my whole world together
On my worst day your love made it all better
God as my witness in heaven above
I wish I did more to show you my love
I struggle here today to let you know
That the times we shared together I never let go
And also you were more to me than any friend
Whose relationship I would do anything to mend
I hope you can find it in your heart
To begin again, a brand new start

...hope is all I have to find a love like this...

These Things Happen

So, I am in some kind of rut. I do not feel the way I use to and the things I do do not seem to make me as happy as they use to. Things are changing. Always changing, which I guess is good because hopefully at one point the change that occurs will bring me happiness. It is just that I am not content with a lot of stuff in my life. I want to move out, pay off debt, get a different car, find a girl that wants to have a meaningful relationship and probably a million other things. While some of these are possible I just need some kind of head start. My current job is sufficient for living pay check to pay check, but it isn't enough to make my life worth while in the long run. I need nypd or some other agency to come through soon. On the other hand my brother is moving to Florida next month and after he gets settled down there I am going to go down for a week or two and do the job search thing down there. I know that the pay isn't what officers get paid up here but I do need to get my foot in the door somewhere... so that is an option. At any rate... for the time being I am going to continue doing what I am doing and getting by. I just pray that something comes along that makes me a little more happy and content with what I do have. Well it is what it is. These things happen.

Because Of Him

So, my life has been scattered with instances when I should have passed away. A number of car accidents and other things…usually not my fault. Though, recently I had my first (and hopefully last) accident that was my fault. I fell asleep while driving down one of the worst roads in Oxford. My car suffered immensely, though I barely have a scratch. My friend Jeff called me the day after to see how I was doing and besides the fact that my car needs major repairs I am well. In fact since speaking with him I feel like a brand new man. He said to me, “ dude your guardian angel is working real hard for you, for some reason”. He said this knowing some of the past “close encounters” I have had. This statement really opened my eyes… not immediately but after thinking about what he said for the rest of the day I realized he is completely right. I have been through some stuff that I shouldn’t have lived through, I have been unharmed when I should have been really badly injured. I do not know what God’s plan is for me and I have no idea why he wants me on this earth but the few times these things have happened to me it would have been real easy for him to take me away.

This being said, I realize now more than ever that I have to make my stay here on earth worth while. I need to do something bigger than myself. I need to do what he wants me to do. Whatever that is and while I don’t exactly understand my calling yet I also know that he will lead me to it. My faith is stronger than ever. I can count my blessings and be grateful for everything in my life. He has given me more than I ever could ask for. I do not need anything but his grace and whatever else I get in this life is just a bonus.

It is just another one of those mysterious ways that God works. It really is true that if God brings you to it he’ll bring you through it. I know that even means death. Though, throughout my life he hasn’t wanted to bring me through that yet. But when he does… I know where I will be, because of him.

Being Blessed

I spent a lot of time with my dad today. He ended up not having therapy on Thursday this week (he had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago). So, he took me to until at this new place that opened up a few miles away. It has a nice country bar feel to it. However, I didn’t drink. Then I came back to camp and did a little writing by myself while my dad was out with a friend. They came back and asked if I wanted to go to the American Legion with them. I recently became a Son of the Legion which is pretty cool because my dad was in Viet Nam. Anyhow, we ended up going and just hung out with a bunch of local people my dad has become friends with. It was good to get to know some people around here. Everyone was very nice and welcoming. After an hour or two of hanging out and talking we came back to the camp to do some fishing. It was probably the first time in two or three years I have been out on the water with my dad. We didn’t catch too much but it was still good to get out there and talk a little. Now, it is around midnight and we have spent the last few hours watching post-season baseball…a easy going night.

The last three days and nights at the lake have been really great. I have gotten a lot of different kinds of writing done. I am proud of what I have accomplished here. I kind of wish I had internet only so I could post all of my blogs or whatever in a timeline basis. Oh well though they all are going to be posted in the timeline they were written. These few days off from work and people… my normal life has been exactly what I needed to straighten out my head. To care more about what matters, to forget things that don’t, to realize that there are things in life that we all take for granted, and to try and change my life so that I can appreciate all that the Lord has blessed me with. Because there are hundreds if not thousands of things everyday, big and small, that we should consider as blessings. I suggest that everyone take some time even if it is just a few minutes to look at your lives and realize all the great things that you have, thanks to the Lord.

Mysterious Ways

God works in mysterious way. He answers our prayers and sometimes we don’t notice because we are looking for a direct result to the before mentioned prayer. I think that God hears our prayers and doesn’t necessarily give us exactly what we want. For he knows what is best for us. He does answer them though…in a way that he knows will benefit us. We may ask him for one thing or another and we may not get what we originally wanted. However, more times than not he has answered our prayer by changing something so that we don’t need it, forget it, or it becomes irrelevant to us. God really does have our best intensions in mind. If we are just able to sit back and look at our lives we can literally count the blessings he has brought us. The thing is that we usually don’t realize what is happening because if we don’t see a direct result we think our prayers have gone unanswered. I say this for myself and everyone else… take some time to look at your past life and notice all the ways God has worked miracles. They are there… you just have to find them. They wont always be blatant. God works in mysterious ways.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that has always come easy to me. I look at the good side of almost every situation and also at the good in people…maybe too often or too quickly, I don’t know. However, I feel that everyone is entitled a second shot or even more if necessary. It is in my nature to try and alleviate situations that bring me sadness or some type of discomfort. I do not like holding grudges especially with the people I love and care about. Throughout my life I can come up with many times where I was extremely hurt or saddened by something a close friend or family member did to me. If that person apologized sincerely then I would forgive them right away… and even sometimes without an apology. See, I believe it is better to move on and learn from the situation rather than to dwell on it and have it constantly be with me. I want peace at heart and piece of mind. If everything and everyone in my life is doing well then I am doing well. Holding back on forgiveness just brings misery to me. The part of all of this that is most troublesome is that usually this outlook is not shared when I have wronged someone. Believe me I have said sorry a lot…most likely more than people have said it to me. The thing is when I screw up it usually is something pretty awful. Maybe it’s the severity to blame for my apologizes not being excepted. I do not know why I do these things that are so destructive to myself. Though, I don’t know…I would accept an apology from anyone for almost anything if it was deep from their heart…true and sincere. I hope that people can begin to see the world the way I do… That such things as being bitter, holding grudges, and having distaste only bring you down; whether you know it or not. So, why not forgive and move on? Now, I am not saying forgive and forget…they are two completely different things. Forgetting would only be counter productive with how I see things. If you remember all the situations that have led others to hurting you, you yourself can learn from them. You can take something good from the wrong that happened. Don’t ever forget what has happened… remember it and remember it well. Doing so when done for the right reasons will make you a better person. A more complete person. Forgive but never forget.

My Desicions

Someone today told me that you have to make your own choices and you have to let others make theirs. That hit home because I am tried of trying to please other people. While that seems simple…it really isn’t. I feel awful when I don’t meet the expectations people have for me. It is like I am always looking for approval or something from someone. So, from this day on I am going to do what I think I should be doing. Whether right or wrong…hopefully right because I am sick of wrong. But maybe the reason I am always finding myself down and out is because of how my choices have been influenced by others. I don’t know either way but…maybe. So, I am going to try and stricken outside influences from my decision making…when it comes to my life.