Time Away From The Normal

Waking up today was wonderful. I woke up with the crisp clean mountain air. The geese where apparently still out on the lake and I could feel the chill that surrounded me. The fire from the night had gone out but I could still smell the smokiness of the pine. The cabin floor was cool yet refreshing and a got up to start the day. Today I plan to write some more of my book and spent the day reflecting on the good things of my life and realizing its times like this that I live for. I am sitting in the cabin all alone now because my dad went back to Connecticut and the closest person to me is probably a mile or more away. After Labor Day weekend this place really shuts down. The lake is empty, not even a single fishing boat or people paddling around. The surrounding camps and cottages are vacant until Memorial Day. This is much different from what I am use to. I am usually surrounded by my friends and trying to be the life of the party. But getting away and being completely alone is what I needed. I haven’t been up here during the fall in years. I spent one night up here two years ago in late fall with a few of my fraternity brothers but it wasn’t like this. It was the usually life scene just different setting, if that makes sense. Getting away from myself and my norm is what I needed.

Little Things

The little things in life are what make it worth living. Now “little things” are different for everyone. Joy comes from so many different avenues. It also depends on where we are at a specific time in our life. Little things are such as a good football game, hearing your favorite song on the radio, hanging out with your best friend, looking at a beautiful sun rise or sunset, looking up at the sky on a dark night and realizing there are more stars in the sky than you will ever be able to count. These little things bring slight bit of joy to our days. They make the dull, monotonous times in our life worth while. We have the little surprises to look forward to.

The little things are the moments I look forward to most. Today I decided to take a break from my life to try and enjoy a little time alone. Time to appreciate the things in life that make it worth living. At least from my perspective. I drove the three hours to our cabin in upstate New York to try and relax. I was absolutely whipped out after working and then coming straight here. I turned off my cell phone and laid down in the bunk bed I have spent so many summer nights and passed out. It was the most relaxing nap I have taken in a long time. I didn’t have people calling me, or wanting to hang out, video games or internet to distract me in any way. I have spent the day just hanging out throwing a couple casts into the water. I watched a few flocks of Canadian geese hundreds strong come squawking in and land on the lake…which I have always liked but particularly enjoyed it today… for the rest of the night I am going to watch Monday night football, sitting by a fire with my Dad and call it a early-ish night. A few simple little things that have begun to clear my head. I was able to appreciate a few things today that I haven’t gotten the chance to enjoy in a long while. This is exactly what I needed.

Can Unconditional Love Strike Twice?

I have known love twice in my life. The first was when I was young and immature, but definitely in love. I was 21 years old dating a girl who was 18. We had been together for two years and I would have done anything for her. She was quiet literally my entire world. Eventually and unfortunately that love started to fade. I felt that I was putting more into the relationship and she didn’t want to make a stronger effort; even though we talked about it several times. We didn’t break up however until I met a new girl. She went to the same school as I did and we hit it off from the start. The problem was that we were both in relationships. I wanted to be with her relatively quickly and realized I needed to break up with my first love. I did this thinking that she would also break up with her significant other for me. She did eventually but it took a little while longer than I expected. Anyhow, once we were together I realized that she was the perfect girl for me and I had never been so happy. She was slightly older than me and much more mature than my past love. Everything was going great. I moved in with her over the summer until school began and when it did I got a part-time job working with her. It really was straight out of a love story how everything fell in place for us. As the year went on I began taking on new responsibilities and life got a little crazy for awhile. Though, we ended up getting through it. At one point I took the train to New York City and looked at engagement rings at Tiffany’s. Soon after this graduation was nearing for me and I still had no idea what I truly wanted to do with my life. I was scared…I was overwhelmed… I panicked. I found any little reason to start a fight with her…I wanted out because to be honest I knew if I stayed with her we would get married. While that was something I definitely wanted…at the time it freaked me out because I was closing a chapter of my life I wasn’t sure I wanted to end. I wanted to still have freedom and friends and the college experience. It all hit me at once and I made the worst decision of my life. I broke up with her. I tried to grab onto the innocence of college life still and wanted to be a part of it all. I was 23 years old and started dating someone who was 18. I let go of love…I let go of who I was…I let go of everything that made me happy, to cling to that immature existence I so desperately wanted. I wish I could take it back… I was given the opportunity…twice. She was willing to forgive me…to take me back. But I still wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to be a man or the person I should have been from the start. I failed. I once knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally…God willing lighting will strike twice.

Something More

So, I have decided that I have to do something to better myself. I have been looking to do this for awhile, though I have been thinking it was reaching my career goals. What I have realized is that there are things I can do right away with my lifestyle that will make me a more complete person. The first is attending church again. I do not necessarily believe that organized religion can “fix” my life, but I do believe if I surround myself with people that have a similar belief system it will benefit me. That maybe I can start doing things that matter for others. Volunteering and helping out in the community. At this point in my life…I work, hang out with friends and sleep. Not much else. It really isn’t too fulfilling. I need something more to be happy…maybe this is the answer. Regardless of how it turns out I am going to start going to my old church… Calvary evangelical free church in Trumbull. If anyone would like to join me I would like the company. Next week I am going to ask my dad if he would like to start going on a regular basis with me. Just something he and I could do together and spend a little bit more time doing something constructive.

Next, and for me this is the big one. I am going to quit drinking altogether…indefinitely. I say “big one” because honestly each group of friends I have go out drinking at a minimum of once a week… Sigma Chi’s, Oxford crew, work buddies. So, this is going to take more will power than I may have. Hence, the going to church and seeking a greater strength from Christ. The reason I am doing this is because I lose my cool increasingly more often when I have had a few too many. I am sick of doing stupid things that I regret in the morning. I need a change, a huge change in lifestyle and I believe that this is the answer…for who knows how long. I plan on doing this in a few ways because I realize it is going to be difficult, not because I crave alcohol but because its what everyone partakes in socially. Those ways are first finding a new way to relieve stress… this one is easy…running …gives me the same “good feeling”. I am going to find some 5k races and hopefully work my way up. The next is always being the designated driver for my buddies. Whenever they want to go out I will offer to drive them around and just hang out. That way I can still be social and not have an urge to join in…because I will be responsible for getting everyone home safely. And, the last is that strength from God’s blessing.

I have already begun the sobriety. And, either this Sunday or next I will begin attending church services. I hope that these two things combined give me the “something more” I am looking for in my life.

At A Turning Point

I find myself getting less and less stable. I need something in my life that gives me some emotional stability. I look to the Lord constantly for advice and I know he is watching over me and blessing my life with what I do have. Though, there is something still missing. It is eating away at me. I often push away the people that mean the most to me and I can not find a reason. I do it then regret it and yet I think it was a good thing for some reason. I know that that doesn’t make much sense but that’s the way I feel. I do not know what to do some times and I lose myself to my temper and emotions. It truly is something I need help on and I pray that God will somehow help me find a way to straighten myself out. I can think of a hundred reasons for my problems. Though, I refuse to blame anything but myself. It is me that brings on my own pain. No excuses. It is my own doing that screws my life up and I need to be the one to bring it back together. I am lost right now… I do not know what to do to attain this. I think more and more each day that I just need to get away and start over. I need to do something with my life that I can be proud of. That’s why more of me everyday believes I should just enlist now and start a new chapter of my life sooner than later. I don’t want to be so far gone in a year that I no longer care. That I no longer care enough about my own future to make the right choices. The next few days, maybe weeks will be crucial in determining the rest of my life.

Never Give Up

So, I am about four months into my job with Andrew's International and the United Bank of Switzerland and I already want something better. I need more out of life. I need something that I like doing as well as feel makes a difference in this world. While I like my current job, no one really feels an impact from the work I put into it. Anyhow, I am writing today to help bind myself into something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I am giving myself 9-12 months to find a career, not just a job, with something that I can be exremely proud of. Whether that be with a police force or some type of government agency. If by this time next year I haven't found something along those lines I will be enlisting in the armed forces. I have already spoken with a rescuiter twice. The branch I am most interested in is the Air Force. I would be enlisting to be an officer because I have a degree. There are a few different types of officer I am interested in and depending on my test scores/background investigations/and what they need... once I narrow it down I will be more certain which field I would like to pursue. By doing this I will gain a lot of life experience I otherwise would get and it will build my resume for when my time is up. The reason for my waiting to take this path is mainly two fold. First, I want to do something that makes an impact for the greater good and those I love. And second, I feel that it will set my life up for the future. The type of career I want would come a lot easier with a military background. If I have to set that goal aside for a few years then so be it because to me achieving that goal (no matter when) is most important. So, until this time next year I am going to strive to achieve my goal in whatever may I can manage. I will never give up whether it comes tomorrow or 10 years from now. Goals are meant to be attained and I will certainly do that.

Follow Your Heart

With great risk comes great reward...or failure.

I have realized that I need to find someone that has the same mentality as I do. I need someone who doesn't always take the easy road, someone who listens to their heart. What I mean is that too many people will not follow their hearts desire for one reason or another. Too many people won't take a leap down some road because they can't see where it goes. I like the saying "it's okay to hold your heart higher than your head". I find myself doing this probably all the time when it comes to relationships. Maybe thats why they haven't worked out, but maybe thats why I have had a few pretty long relationships. I do not know. I do know one thing...and that is I would have regrets if I didn't follow my heart. It is okay to listen to your heart... it might not always be easy or comfortable. However, if it works out the rewards are great. Finding happiness is your hearts work... let it lead you.