Talk Your Talk, I'll Still Walk My Walk

It is completely astonishing to me how much people judge others. Everyday, day in and day out people: gossip, talk trash, compare, and judge people. I am sick and tired of being involved in it in any way. I don't want to be the subject of your chatter and believe me I don't want to participate either. This has been going on a great deal in my life lately. Honestly, knock it off. Talk to each other as civil people. Especially, if you personally know the people you are talking badly about. There is no reason to act the way people have been acting. It's immature and quiet literally offensive. What happened to honor, and respect? Not only for other people but for yourselves. This type of behavior has no positive effect and lacks even a strand of integrity. Worst of all you do not see fault in yourselves for your blunder, which ultimately makes you a hypocrite. I will live my life how I see fit, if you don't like it -- oh well. I will live my life according to no man, just one God and my decisions. He will judge me, not you.

Written Off

I find myself trying to look at the good in people a lot more lately. I want to forget about all the stupid stuff that has gone on in my life. I went through it, I learned from it and I want to move on. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are truly good people. We all make mistakes. I understand that. I wish other people could realize this too. Why hold a grudge? Why be disrespectful? Why not try and like/love everyone. The bible says to love thy neighbor. I don't know...it is an easy concept to me, just a bit harder to put into action.

I have wronged people, I have given people reasons not to look up to me, I have given people reasons to not trust me, I have even given people reasons not to respect me. I have given people reasons to write me off, and they have. I believe we all do these things at times in our lives... and it goes one of two ways: we realize it or we don't. When we realize it we give ourselves some hope of redemption. If we understand why, who, what, etc we can actively seek out ways to repair or fix peoples views of us. That is if we care enough to do so. Now, I really don't care if people have negative views of me... when they do not know me or have never tried to understand me (the opposite of this is called a friend). Though, I do care, and I care very much what my family and friends think of me. I would love to have great relationships with all the people in my life but I do understand that it is nearly impossible for everything to be great all the time. Everytime someone of meaning leaves my life for one reason or another I feel like I am incomplete. There are a few people out there that are no longer a part of my life that I miss very much and think about nearly on a dayly basis. This makes me feel as I said 'incomplete' because I have put so much time into these relationships; sometimes years worth or more. But it really isn't the amount of time that makes a relationship worth something (at least to me). It is the quality of connection and understanding you have with them. For those that want nothing to do with me because of one thing or another I can only pray that God softens their heart and somehow beings us back together.

Everyone deserves another and another chance. We are only human we break down and screw up... often a lot more than we realize. I want to be able to open my heart and mind to those I have 'written off' and I hope that I can. I pray that I can. I only ask the same from some of you out there that have 'written" me off or anyone else.

To The Future

I don't really know what change I need in my life... probably much more than one thing. Though, I am again moving out of Oxford. My situation here has been taken care of for the most part and don't need to be here anymore. So, I am looking at places in Danbury and Bethel. I believe that part of my lack of happiness has been being held down here when there isn't much for me around here anymore. I want to be around people that are genuinely good, and that have the right motivation in life. I want to be around the people I know are good, true friends...that is why I am sacrificing a longer trip to work to live in the Danbury area. With my schedule the way it is I only have to drive to work three times a week anyhow. Those three times will even be cut down to two. This is because I will stay at my grandmothers house in Shelton on the 8 hour "sleep break" I have between two of my 16 hour shifts. So, in reality I am only giving up about 4 hours of time off a week for the distance change in driving. I can easily handle that if my time off becomes better for me. By that I mean...usefully/relaxing/stress free or at least less stressful. Moving out was going to happen soon anyhow because my house will be on the market anyhow within the next couple of months. So, instead of dealing with the move out then I am being proactive about it and looking for places now. I want a place I can call home again... for awhile now where I am at hasn't felt like home... more as a place I was living between stages of my life. well, here's to the future.

Just Try

I wish I had more people in my life that tried to understand me. I wish I had more people that wanted to be/were there for me. Not only when I am down but all the time. I wish I had more people that cared for the right reasons. Honestly, on a day to day basis there are not that many people out there. It is what it is I guess but I have always said don't judge me unless you know me. By 'know me' I don't just mean you are my friend and we hang out sometimes. I mean know my life, know what I am going through, know what tortments me, what makes me happy, and how I deal with those extremes and everything in between. There are so many of you out there I consider great friends, and there are more and more I use to consider close friends that have pulled away for one reason or another. I do believe a lot of those reasons are my fault, know that. Though, a true friend never leaves someone when they need them most. If you are asking yourself how would I know 'you' need me, there are signs, there are actions, there are times if you take a minute to think about it to tell when your friend (or myself) is down and out. Or hurting and just needs someone to understand/to try and understand/ to talk to/ to just be there. I thank the few people in this God awful world that stay close to the people in their lives that need it most, that try to understand even if its just with sympathy... because not many of us can actually put ourselves in someone elses shoes to empathize unless they have been there. It stikes me as irresponsible to not at least try. Brothers, friends, family be there for the people in your lives at all times. Be a crutch to help someone up, be a shoulder to cry on, have strong arms to hold someone. Be a friend. Now, I am certainly not saying I am a prime example for I have failed at being a friend as well in this regard. I realize that and truly try and be the best I can for others. Though, I am only human...we all are. I put it on everyone (including myself) to try harder to be more for those out there who need us. Just try. It will go further than you could ever expect. And, one day it will find itself full circle when you need the same act of friendship.

Love Is Life

I have been living a life that I didn't want to live. I have been someone I didn't want to be. I never thought that my life would have gotten away from me the way it has. The choices I have made during the past few years have been selfish and stupid. Selfish, because I haven't always thought about others and I have done what I believed would make me happy. Stupid, because I didn't think about the true consequences of my ways. It is really difficult for me to say that I regret those choices based on all I believe about how making wrong choices eventually makes us better people. Though, I truly wish I could go back in time and undo one or two of the major mistakes I have made. I don't know if that makes me weak because I am dwelling on what could have been but honestly if that is a label I get for doing this, so be it. Though, maybe this "weakness" will help me prevent situations like those of the past. I am always trying to learn a lesson from my misfortunes though I am getting sick and tired of trying to look at the good side of bad, because when it comes down to it BAD is still BAD.

Really though, I am starting to get worried that life has passed me by... that all I had was the best it could have been and I threw it all out because I was scared and whatever else. I pray that I get one more chance to make this life what I want and know it could be. I am 25 years old... I wanted a lot more out of life (and had it but lost it so I know it exists). I don't mean possesions like a house, or sweet cars. By "a lot" I mean a fulfilling life. And by a fulfilling life I mean... love.

The Burden Of Waiting

Faith. It's what I got. I just wonder when my prayers are going to be answered. I know that God will reveal my life to me when he feels I am ready and also when it is the proper time according to his plan. Knowing this though is such a burden.

Friendship

People who you can actually rely on come into our lives very seldom. I have a few people in my life that I truly believe would be there for me through anything. Also, that these people would go out of their way for me and do whatever they could to help me out. I want them to know that I really do appreciate that friendship we share. Love you guys