Something More

So, I have decided that I have to do something to better myself. I have been looking to do this for awhile, though I have been thinking it was reaching my career goals. What I have realized is that there are things I can do right away with my lifestyle that will make me a more complete person. The first is attending church again. I do not necessarily believe that organized religion can “fix” my life, but I do believe if I surround myself with people that have a similar belief system it will benefit me. That maybe I can start doing things that matter for others. Volunteering and helping out in the community. At this point in my life…I work, hang out with friends and sleep. Not much else. It really isn’t too fulfilling. I need something more to be happy…maybe this is the answer. Regardless of how it turns out I am going to start going to my old church… Calvary evangelical free church in Trumbull. If anyone would like to join me I would like the company. Next week I am going to ask my dad if he would like to start going on a regular basis with me. Just something he and I could do together and spend a little bit more time doing something constructive.

Next, and for me this is the big one. I am going to quit drinking altogether…indefinitely. I say “big one” because honestly each group of friends I have go out drinking at a minimum of once a week… Sigma Chi’s, Oxford crew, work buddies. So, this is going to take more will power than I may have. Hence, the going to church and seeking a greater strength from Christ. The reason I am doing this is because I lose my cool increasingly more often when I have had a few too many. I am sick of doing stupid things that I regret in the morning. I need a change, a huge change in lifestyle and I believe that this is the answer…for who knows how long. I plan on doing this in a few ways because I realize it is going to be difficult, not because I crave alcohol but because its what everyone partakes in socially. Those ways are first finding a new way to relieve stress… this one is easy…running …gives me the same “good feeling”. I am going to find some 5k races and hopefully work my way up. The next is always being the designated driver for my buddies. Whenever they want to go out I will offer to drive them around and just hang out. That way I can still be social and not have an urge to join in…because I will be responsible for getting everyone home safely. And, the last is that strength from God’s blessing.

I have already begun the sobriety. And, either this Sunday or next I will begin attending church services. I hope that these two things combined give me the “something more” I am looking for in my life.

At A Turning Point

I find myself getting less and less stable. I need something in my life that gives me some emotional stability. I look to the Lord constantly for advice and I know he is watching over me and blessing my life with what I do have. Though, there is something still missing. It is eating away at me. I often push away the people that mean the most to me and I can not find a reason. I do it then regret it and yet I think it was a good thing for some reason. I know that that doesn’t make much sense but that’s the way I feel. I do not know what to do some times and I lose myself to my temper and emotions. It truly is something I need help on and I pray that God will somehow help me find a way to straighten myself out. I can think of a hundred reasons for my problems. Though, I refuse to blame anything but myself. It is me that brings on my own pain. No excuses. It is my own doing that screws my life up and I need to be the one to bring it back together. I am lost right now… I do not know what to do to attain this. I think more and more each day that I just need to get away and start over. I need to do something with my life that I can be proud of. That’s why more of me everyday believes I should just enlist now and start a new chapter of my life sooner than later. I don’t want to be so far gone in a year that I no longer care. That I no longer care enough about my own future to make the right choices. The next few days, maybe weeks will be crucial in determining the rest of my life.

Never Give Up

So, I am about four months into my job with Andrew's International and the United Bank of Switzerland and I already want something better. I need more out of life. I need something that I like doing as well as feel makes a difference in this world. While I like my current job, no one really feels an impact from the work I put into it. Anyhow, I am writing today to help bind myself into something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I am giving myself 9-12 months to find a career, not just a job, with something that I can be exremely proud of. Whether that be with a police force or some type of government agency. If by this time next year I haven't found something along those lines I will be enlisting in the armed forces. I have already spoken with a rescuiter twice. The branch I am most interested in is the Air Force. I would be enlisting to be an officer because I have a degree. There are a few different types of officer I am interested in and depending on my test scores/background investigations/and what they need... once I narrow it down I will be more certain which field I would like to pursue. By doing this I will gain a lot of life experience I otherwise would get and it will build my resume for when my time is up. The reason for my waiting to take this path is mainly two fold. First, I want to do something that makes an impact for the greater good and those I love. And second, I feel that it will set my life up for the future. The type of career I want would come a lot easier with a military background. If I have to set that goal aside for a few years then so be it because to me achieving that goal (no matter when) is most important. So, until this time next year I am going to strive to achieve my goal in whatever may I can manage. I will never give up whether it comes tomorrow or 10 years from now. Goals are meant to be attained and I will certainly do that.

Follow Your Heart

With great risk comes great reward...or failure.

I have realized that I need to find someone that has the same mentality as I do. I need someone who doesn't always take the easy road, someone who listens to their heart. What I mean is that too many people will not follow their hearts desire for one reason or another. Too many people won't take a leap down some road because they can't see where it goes. I like the saying "it's okay to hold your heart higher than your head". I find myself doing this probably all the time when it comes to relationships. Maybe thats why they haven't worked out, but maybe thats why I have had a few pretty long relationships. I do not know. I do know one thing...and that is I would have regrets if I didn't follow my heart. It is okay to listen to your heart... it might not always be easy or comfortable. However, if it works out the rewards are great. Finding happiness is your hearts work... let it lead you.

Fear Of Change Is Fear Of Living

Change is a good thing though it seems to me that many people are afraid of doing things differently. People want to live in the past and never escape the fear of change. Painting pictures of the past. By saying this I mean that if we keep living in the past we can not change our lives. We stay idol. If you are afraid of change you can not live your life. If you are stuck in the past you can not live in the present and don't have much hope for a future.

Life Right Now

This summer has seemed to have pasted me by. The past three months have been unlike any other period in my life. Up until last week I was working a minimum of 64 hour weeks; finally I am on a set 40 hour work week. My work week is friday 3pm and I get off Monday at 7am. This schedule has its ups and downs. I miss out of a lot of weekend opportunities but I do get a solid 4 days off each week. Last month I was also promoted to shift supervisor, while the pay is only a dollar more an hour, the real benefit is being able to put it on my resume for a future job.

This is the first time in my life I am making enough money to support myself fully and while that is empowering I feel like life has taken a downgrade in enjoyment. It is setting in more than ever that I am almost 25 years old, out of college, and in the real world. I have some real tough life choices to make. I am afraid of making a wrong decision and hurting myself for the future. Though, I keep coming back with the thought that we only live once and we have to make the most of it before life passes us by. So, the question is...how do I find happiness that will last? I wish I was able to answer that question with some certainty, however the fact is that I do not know the answer at all. All, I can think of doing is living for today and seeing what tomorrow brings when I get there.

Though, I didn't go on vacation, or have many days off, or even go to the beach much, summer was good in a different way than usual. What I mean is I got very close to 3 of my fraternity brothers. These guys have become closer than family to me. Coelho, Jason, Pace I love you guys its been awesome and I hope our bond grows stronger still. I believe it will. I also, met a few new people and formed friendships that I hope survive for more than a little while.

Summer... is more or less over. But the rest of our lives are just beginning.

....

I Am A Christian

When I say...I am a Christian,
I'm not shouting I am saved,
I'm whispering I was lost that is why I chose
this way. When I say...I am a Christian, I don't speak of this with pride;
I'm confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide.
When I say...I am a Christian, I'm not trying to be strong; I'm professing that
I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on. When I say...I am a Christian, I'm not bragging
of success, I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt. When I say...I am a Christian,
I'm not claiming to be perfect, my flaws are too visible but God believes I'm worth it. When I say...
I am a Christian, I still feel the sting of pain; I have my share of heartaches which is why I speak His name.
When I say...I am a Christian, I do not wish to judge, I have no authority, I only know I'm loved.