Redeemed

Another new day. Thank God. Last night was a little rough. It is so difficult going from feeling like you're at the top of the world to having to pull yourself up off the floor. This is how I feel with almost everything now. It is a chore to actually do things. Anything. I know I will get over it and that it will not last forever. It is just so hard when you spill your heart filled with every true emotion, every sincere thought and each good intention...then you get less than nothing in return. It is like everything you are doesn't mean anything and isn't enough. Though, it is strange because I know everything that I am and exactly who I am. I am first and foremost a man of God, I live without worry do to Christ my redeemer. I once heard this... If a bird flew to a beach and grabbed one grain of sand then flew one million years to a distant planet and dropped that grain there to make a new beach, then that same bird flew a million years back here and repeated that for each beach on earth, the time it would take that bird to succeed would just be the beginning of eternity. What I am trying to say is that this lifetime no matter how bad it sucks, we each have an eternity to look forward to. Because of Christ. Next, I am genuine, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, faithful, and inspired. I am a man of character and integrity. I am someone who ever strives to reach the unreachable.

In my darkest times I still see light. The poem footprints in the sand, explains this very well. I will post it next.

Who's In Your Life?

Only A Man by Jonny Lang

I used to live my life in fear
Was worried all the time
From waking up to laying down
I had no peace of mind
The world became a darkened place
A struggle without end
Although bitter times those were
The days that I had began to understand
I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church
With questions in my mind
Then turned my back and ran away
From God who gave me life
Then one night his presence fell
I wept and shook and then
I fell down and cried, Dear Jesus, rescue me again
I understand I am only a man

And He said, What will it be now?
Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now?
I've been inside your head hearing you scream out.
Well here I am, just take my hand and I'll take out
All of the pain and all of the fear
All of the fear



We need to rely on Christ, we can lay all of our fears, burdens, and sins at his feet. He will take them all and set us free. Be with the Lord. Today, I again re-dedicate myself and life to Christ.

Finding Me

The future is a mystery, though we can reveal parts of it by doing certain things in the present. The way you live today dictates what will be tomorrow. Today I thought about my future a lot. I have thought about the different jobs I am a candidate for: Correction officer, small town cop, NYPD, and college securities. My ultimate goal is to become a police officer. I do not care what state, whether its a town cop or state police. I only care that I am able to serve a community and that the people benefit from my service. I want to help people. I want to make this world better and more safe for each of us.

Then I thought about the future as far as the people in it. I want to make my relationships better and stronger and more meaningful. I want a deeper connection with those I love. Then I thought about how I would do such things. The first is being myself, the person I truly am. Then, confide in each of the people I love, have trust in them. There is no room for distrust in friendship, relationships, or love. I will live my life closer to the ideals of Christ ever striving to reach the unreachable. In turn the people around me will get to know the person I should have been all along.

- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me -

I Hurt I Have Never Known

I have never felt so alone as I have these past few days. Today is the worst it has been and I am sure it hasn't peaked. I have so many things swimming through my head and it is as if I can't catch a single one long enough to actually think about it. I feel hated, deserted, alone, cold, sad, and a thousand other things that make me physically ill. I can't sleep or be awake each are too hard to do right now. I find myself saying forget about it all and move on. Though, I can't move on because there are certain things each of need to push on, to excel, to live life. When you have finally found that thing that motivates you and you lose it somehow it is a whirlwind. You have no idea which way is the right way, or where the right path will even take you.

I do not mean career, school, or religious wise either. I mean emotionally, and personally. I feel as if I am crippled and have no one to help me, to speak with, to understand me. Likewise, I feel a absence or a hole in my heart because someone isn't confiding in me. I feel like a useless vessel stranded on an arctic sea. Cold, alone, and the waves are splashing all around pushing me in no particular direction.

A Real Answer

A more in depth answer to why I am doing this.

I have always been a very confident person. I know what I want and I know I can get it if I try. Getting what I want however hasn't made me happy. Once things come together in my life I have a habit of letting them fall apart. I want to stop unintentionally sabotaging my life. I want to be able to put my heart and mind 100% into everything all the time not just for a period of time. It is not fair to myself or others. I have let people down and hurt others. I do not want to make any one feel like this again. So, in these next 5 days or so I am going to look at everything that I could have been done to prevent hurting those I love. I will also then look at what else I could do to make the good things in my life better and hopefully in the end have some idea of what I should be doing different. I have many ideas already and know exactly where to start. Re-building damaged bridges. Even if some of those bridges have been burned and there is nothing left... I will start from scratch. I am going to be a better person to myself, others and God. Starting today.

Self Evaluation

I am taking the next five days to re-evaluate my life and what I want and need in it. I will not be accepting any phone calls, text messages, or answering emails. Leave me messages if it is important but I will not call, unless urgent. The only times I will be in public are for my correction officer exam on Tuesday and the gym once a day for training for police officer physicals.

I will be updating this blog several times daily and writing about my feelings and the issues I am dealing with. Comment on them if you have an opinion on anything. I love you all and in no way is this because I am mad at anyone or for any other reason than to look at myself at a deeper level.

Where I Get Lost

What are your favorite memories? Take a minute to skim over your past life and think about your happiest moments. I have found myself doing this a lot lately. Talking with people and recalling old times.

Now that you have thought about those select few favorite memories I am sure you could tell me in detail everything about the moment or moments. Where it was, who you were with, what was going on.

My favorite moment lucky for me has been repeated many times. It happens a handful of times each year, each summer to be specific. Our summer cabin is located on a lake in Upstate New York... Evening is the best time to fish. I begin this memory by packing the old aluminum canoe with a few drinks, a couple fishing poles and my favorite paddle. I would then set off slowly toward the opposite end of the lake gently gliding on the glass like water. A few minutes into the paddle I am about at the mid way point of the lake and look across the lake to see the mirror like clarity of the state forest on the lake with the sun beaming on the beach and actual landscape. The sun is setting so only the side of the lake I am looking at is in the sun. It is still warm and the stickiness of the summer heat from hours before is on my skin. Small birds are starting to swoop down low to the water to catch all the little bugs near the waters surface. A few bats are a bit higher up. I find my favorite spots and settle in for a couple dozen casts. It doesn't matter if I catch a single fish; it's about being there in that particular moment. The world seems to go away. It is you among the lily pads, the occasional fish, your thoughts and God. Closer to dusk you can do a 360 look around at all the little cabins and cottages lighting up small campfires, other fishermen taking in the exact same experience, and every now and then a fish jump clear out of the water. The sounds are unlike anywhere else I have been... A owl hoots every now and again and you try to anticipate its next hoot but it is never correct. Small motors on fishing boats as they change locations. The many bullfrogs calling out to be noticed. The splash as my paddle slices into the still water and the reel as I retrieve my cast. When I am out on the water like this in my canoe I get lost in my thoughts and dreams. This is my favorite memory.