Priorities

Lately I have been feeling that I am way to nice of a person in like all situations that perhaps I shouldn’t be. I am too forgiving, too laid back and accepting. I need to start throwing caution away and doing what I want regardless of the outcome for other people. Yeah that sounds selfish I know. Every now and then everyone is selfish and I never am it is my turn to start doing a little more taking and a little less giving. Though, I have zero idea how to even put this plan into action and even while I was writing this I didn’t believe it. So, whatever who knows. I need to change something though. I need to transform back to the mentality I had when I was like 19-20. I just didn’t give a shit. Maybe that is the easiest solution…simply stop caring about certain things.

A Lonely Night

When staring at the ceiling on a lonely night
Trying to keep my thoughts controlled with all my might
Skipping one then on to the next
Seems to me my life must be hexed

The window cracked open
The cool air rushing in
Thousands of stars in the sky
Just as many questions, I ask myself why?

The moon light bright
Things appear now that I have the gift of sight
Shadows stretch across the wall
Does life have any meaning at all?

To love, to hate
The people we meet, is it fate?
I don’t know if I believe
Since all things someday leave

Today, tomorrow or at the end of it all
Even the strongest will someday fall
So let's make the best of it
If the piece doesn't fit

It doesn't have to be precise
Merely nothing in this world is perfect and nice
Flip it over, turn it around
The right fit will be found


...wrote that back in 2003...

Lack Of Holiday Spirit

This is usually my favorite time of the year. I love fall. I love the chilly air and the crisp cool nights. Looking forward to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. For the past handful of years I have been genuinely happy during these few months. Though, this year I already feel a sense of depression. Not the kind of depression that won’t let you get out of bed in the morning. Just that feeling that seems to follow you around and slightly damper your mood. Sits on your shoulders and weights you down slowly. I am pretty sure I know what it is… in fact I believe it is a few different things that have unfortunately come together this fall/holiday season. To begin, my brother is like my best friend in the entire world. We have been through so much together probably more than average siblings. And while sometimes we don’t get along I love him more than anything. Though, this year he has decided that when he finishes school in December he is immediately moving to Florida. I know that we are growing up and all but it is just difficult and saddening to know he will be so far away. On the same level… with my parents split or whatever the whole family thing has seemed to disappear. I don’t know I am slightly afraid for the first time in my life I could wake up on Christmas and not have any family around. I guess that will depend on some other factors though. My family usually goes to New Hampshire for a family reunion for Christmas though the past few years it has been iffy whether or not we are going to continue this tradition. Right now I think that some of the family will be meeting there but with Christmas failing on a Friday I have to work on Christmas and the two days following it. So, unless people travel to New Hampshire Tuesday or Wednesday before Christmas I have a decent shot of possibly only seeing my mom or dad or even neither depending on circumstances. On top of all that drama / hell this will be my first Christmas season since I was 18 (so six years ago) to not have a girl in my life to spend time with or celebrate / give gifts to. I don’t know why that bothers me so much because hopefully it won’t be like this forever, but I usually really get into the holiday spirit and all. So, with all of these things combining I am actually feeling slightly down. I don’t know what I can do to proactively make it better for myself but hopefully in the end it somehow all works out.

Begin Again

I am thinking that I need to take my own advice and start again from scratch. I have been thinking more and more lately that I want to get out of Connecticut, that I need to go somewhere and find a really good job and begin again. Connecticut is a wasteland as far as the job market for my desired profession. I don’t know really what to do. It is a very tough decision. Everything I know and have is in Connecticut and New England. Not only is it tough but it is kind of scary; picking up and starting over somewhere that you don’t know anyone and don’t have family around. However, when that crosses my mind I try and think of what is actually keeping me here. The only thing that even makes any sense is comfort. That I am comfortable with my surroundings and the area. I know what to expect. So, I don’t know…this is something I am sure that I will be writing about this more…

A Brand New Start

I wrote this about the girl who got away. I made some really poor decisions a few years ago and to this day they haunt my mind. Even if it can never be reversed my heart will always be on my sleeve.

Your smile was like an autumn sunset
Just as beautiful as the day we first met
You looked at me with the most gorgeous eyes
Big and brown they gave me butterflies
Your love was unlike anything I have ever known
A love that I had never been shown
When I told you I loved you it came from my heart
It was true love from the very start
That first night that I held your hand
I believed one day you would wear my wedding band
We had been through a very lot
Believe me all of those things I have never forgot
In the middle of the night you'd wake me to get you a drink
Across a room we'd look at each other and give a blatant wink
One time I asked you to dance outside your car
Another I was a 1000 miles away but really you weren't far
You gave me a piece of your most prized possession
I remember one time we teamed up in a greek council session
One night we laid in bed slightly upset
Because we found out you weren't pregnant
These memories are the highlight of my life
Since without you its been nothing but strife
You brought my whole world together
On my worst day your love made it all better
God as my witness in heaven above
I wish I did more to show you my love
I struggle here today to let you know
That the times we shared together I never let go
And also you were more to me than any friend
Whose relationship I would do anything to mend
I hope you can find it in your heart
To begin again, a brand new start

...hope is all I have to find a love like this...

These Things Happen

So, I am in some kind of rut. I do not feel the way I use to and the things I do do not seem to make me as happy as they use to. Things are changing. Always changing, which I guess is good because hopefully at one point the change that occurs will bring me happiness. It is just that I am not content with a lot of stuff in my life. I want to move out, pay off debt, get a different car, find a girl that wants to have a meaningful relationship and probably a million other things. While some of these are possible I just need some kind of head start. My current job is sufficient for living pay check to pay check, but it isn't enough to make my life worth while in the long run. I need nypd or some other agency to come through soon. On the other hand my brother is moving to Florida next month and after he gets settled down there I am going to go down for a week or two and do the job search thing down there. I know that the pay isn't what officers get paid up here but I do need to get my foot in the door somewhere... so that is an option. At any rate... for the time being I am going to continue doing what I am doing and getting by. I just pray that something comes along that makes me a little more happy and content with what I do have. Well it is what it is. These things happen.