Tomorrow Is The Dawn Of A New Day

So, tomorrow I start my training for Andrew's International. I am really happy that a new chapter of my life is beginning. I will finally have my own income again and have my first full time job of my life. It is a weird feeling closing that door and taking the steps necessary to building my future life. I pray and hope that this job works out to be something I am happy doing until I fulfill my goals of being a police officer. Who knows I guess... I may end up loving this section of the justice and law spectrum and making a career out of it. Well whatever happens I am happy right now. And I thank the Lord.

Also, the other day I started talking to a new girl that has come into my life. I do not know what the future holds but so far she is fun, intelligent and cute. That is all I ask for right now. I am going to take it slow and see how things turn out.

One Door Closes, Another Opens

So, I deleted a couple posts. Some people felt that they were inappropriate and whatnot. I ended up deciding to take them off my blog because it was probably the most mature way to handle the situation. I don't know. The truth hurts some people... that includes myself sometimes. Whatever though. That part of my life is over with. I miss some parts of it but my life is less stressful. I don't know which way I like better. Sigh.

Anyway... I finally got a job working for Garda Security (soon to be Andrews International). My job will require me to provide protection and security to a data entry facility which is affiliated with the Bank of Switzerland. I start 40 hours of training and certifications on June 1st. Then hopefully the week after I will actually start working. I have a lot of bills to start paying and can not wait to move out of home (again) and get my own place (again).

I am trying to close a door in my life and keep it closed. I do not want to be the person I was months ago and also affiliate myself with the types of people I did. I want to open this new door and cross that threshold and never look back. I am on my way...

Indebted

My life is what it is because of those of you in it. I would not be where I am today without your support, advice and blessings. You all have helped me through some really difficult and trying times. I am forever thankful and grateful for what each of you have done. Whether it be giving me advice, listening to me, lending me a shoulder to cry on, or having a beer with me to take off the edge. Whatever the circumstance may have been...thank you. I will always be here for you all as you all have been there for me.

Have You...?

Have you ever put yourself so far out there that you can't find your way back? Have you ever loved so much you don't know if you will ever love another person again? Have you ever been unable to breathe because the emotional hurt is so physical? Have you ever questioned everything that you believe? Have you ever tried to hide your feelings? Have you ever realized what you should have done in a situation? Have you ever thought you were suppose to spend your entire life with someone? Have you ever realized that forgiveness is beyond some people? Have you ever been taken for granted? Have you ever felt like you are the only person that knows youre alive? Have you ever wanted to give up but you know you can not? Have you ever had to pick yourself up off the floor? Have you ever been loved? Have you ever felt all of these?

If you have then you know what I am going through. You know that there really might not be anything worse in the world than the feelings and emotions that sweep over you. You know how I feel.

What Is Love?

Love.

A feeling, A emotion. It has been written about in plays, lyrics, poems, letters and cards. It has been said by every single class, race, and sex. No matter your religion you believe in a higher emotion that develops in one's heart. This love can never really be described or understood. It is beyond words, it is beyond action. You can feel love and have someone feel your love, but trying to tell others how you feel is nearly impossible. At least telling them exactly how you feel and what you feel inside you. I find love is one of the hardest things to fully explain. Though, I will now try.

Love.

Is when you wake up each and every morning and think about someone. You go on with your day thinking about them and knowing they are thinking about you. You finally go to sleep, and the only reason you have comfort about sleeping is because God willing you will find this person in your dreams. Love is feeling someones touch when they are not with you. It is remembering their words, smell, and movements. It is the taste of their lips. Love is knowing you are not complete without your other half. Because truly you believe you are only half the person you can be without them. Love is also comfort, lust, like, respect, trust, sympathy, empathy, honor, and responsibility. Love is change. Love is caring about someone as much or more than you care for yourself. Love is blind. It doesn't care about the bad, the wrong, the dirty, amounts of time, or looks. The love I know... is all these things and a library of words more.

Show Me How To Live... Oh Wait I Already Know

The other day I received a message from someone who use to be a significant part of my life. They criticized me for the way my life was going. It wasn’t even in a positive light, it was demeaning and negative. I would love to get constructive criticism but when it becomes pushing your opinion on someone it loses any value. At least to me. Not that I have to explain myself to any person but because I’ve poured my heart out over more personal issues I will follow that path.

My life is what it is. My life. This life is controlled by me to a certain point, after that it is in God’s hands. I can only do so much, open so many doors, make choices in which direction to throw myself. I know I don’t always make the right decisions and I set myself up to fail or for disappointment sometimes but that is part of the process of learning. Each time I falter or stumble I pick myself up and look ahead. I do what is necessary so that I never walk that path again.

Today in my life… I am a unemployed college graduate looking for work in law enforcement… this door is the one I am having the most trouble opening. Though, I will not give up, it is a great struggle and weights heavily on me. I am trying, maybe not giving a 100 percent like I should be but I am really close. There is always more we all could be doing to attaining our goals. I guess the fact that I realize that is half the battle, now I just have to make the effort.

As far as what I am. I am someone who puts their heart into everything they believe in. I am someone who attains my goals, someone who reaches for the stars even though they will always be out of reach. I am someone who believes actions really do speak louder than words. You can say a whole lot but without proving it your words are meaningless. Live by the motto: character in action. This means show your true self and what you believe and who you are by living it each and everyday. Be true to yourself. By doing this I am able to be true to all those around me. Nothing about me; my intentions, actions or words can be construed to be fake or false because I have been true to the man that looks back at me in the mirror. I know I am a man of integrity and principle and I hope everyone that knows me understands that those are two qualities I can be identified with.

As far as someone I am not. I am not someone who judges others. I look at the lives of the people around me and understand why things are the way they are. Good or bad. I am not someone who takes this life for granted. I am thankful. Today more than ever. I am not someone who would ever turn their back on a friend. I am there for you all… literally whenever you need me, no matter the circumstance. I am not someone who wastes time. I take today and use it to make friendships stronger, love greater and the day more meaningful. I am not someone who gives up. I may bitch and moan and say I can‘t do it anymore, but never will I quit or give up a single inch.

Today I am 24 years young. I am living life in a different way that most my age. I worked from the age of 15-22. Then I retired. By retired I mean…. living carefree. You often hear people say things such as, “I remember when I was your age” or “if I could be that old again” or “what I wouldn’t give to do it all over”. Well I want to grow old and gray and not regret a single thing. I want to live a full life and when I am on my death bed at whatever age that may be… I want to look over my past life and know I left nothing on the table, that I made this world a better place for those living after me, I want to pass knowing that I gave God all the praise and glory I could. I want to live my life the way it should be lived. For the Father, Family, Friends, and Fun. This is how I live. Sorry if you do not agree with this lifestyle.

Letting The Lord Lead

I am taking each day as it comes. No more worrying about the future or what is going to happen. The past is gone and I am living for today. If I continued to live the way I was living I would have fallen in a hole so deep I would have never been able to climb out. I do not know what clicked and put everything into perspective for me. Maybe it was the praying, maybe it was the confiding in those I trust and recieving their advice, maybe it was a combinatin of both. All I know is that the past 2-3 days I have turned around. I was on the edge of falling off, but today especially I feel a new hope. As if I am being carried... lifted on the wings of angels. A weight that was atop my shoulders has been set free. The burdens I felt so crushing me down are no longer present. I am off of that cliff, off of the floor. Strong arms have picked me up and shown me the way. The Lord is my Savior, and Sigma Chi is my family. With these two I am whole. The Lord has redeemed me, he has taken my sins and given me hope. Sigma Chi is my safety net and has given me will and strenght. For both I am forever grateful and indebted.

Finding Help

I think that I am officially depressed with life. Everything seems to be going wrong and almost nothing makes the terrible feelings go away. I wake up miserable and go throughout the day just getting worse and worse until I break down... which has become more and more terrible. I can't stand thinking about things and those thoughts eat me alive. I am trying to stay strong but there isn't much to look forward to right now. I really am considering just getting out of Connecticut and starting over somewhere. While the main thing keeping me strong (Sigma Chi brothers) is here... everything that breaks me down is also here. The way I see it is that I wouldn't need a shoulder to lean on if the problem wasn't there. So, even though the brothers are so good to me... I wouldn't need to rely on them if I wasn't a mess.

I know that the Lord is here for me trying to keep me strong. I know I can put all my problems on his shoulders and he will take the full weight. Though, I find myself not doing this. I have been trying to deal with everything myself and maybe that is why I am so distraught. I feel terrible and guilty realizing this and I hope and pray I can change. I need to stop trying to deal with my problems by myself and also putting them on my friends. I need Christ... I need his help.