A Way To Live

It is only now that I realize how much of my life I have thrown away on meaningless crap. Our lives are taken up by people that are willing to throw us away in a moments notice, if even that long. I am sick and tired of giving pieces of me away. Giving them away to people that don't care about me the way I care about them. I mean it is a lesson that we all usually have to learn. It sucks for me that I am learning it so late in life but I guess later is better than never. It is my fault though. I take full responsiblity. In my own head I have enabled myself. I've allowed it to happen. At least I have realized it now... I still have time to correct this mess i've put myself in. I guess I can't even call it a mess beacuse since I've realized it the mess kind of fixes itself. It is just a state of mind I have to continue to keep. A way of thinking when it comes to dealing with other people in my life. Keep a guard up. At least to a certain extent.

What Will Be, Will Be

Life never happens as I expect it to. One day is good the next is bad. It's like some strange test that I am being put through to see how strong or determined I am. Though, under enough stress and frustration unfortunitely even the strongest will eventually crumble. At current time my life seemed to be on an upswing. Everything started to fall into place. I heard back from the State Police and have a slight glimmer of hope for a job with them. And my significant other situation seemed to be improving at least I had convinced myself that our petty fights were over. However, I couldnt have been more wrong. Petty arguements turn into break ups. So, I guess it is for the best... only because neither of us would ever be truly happy if thats how we always dealt with our differences. I say that because we have talked about handling things differently but there has been no change on either side. Well, I am at one of those low points in life right now. I need to get my life together before I try any type of relationship. I dont want anything like a job or money getting in the way of what I want my relationship to be. What is to be will be.

Motivators

All around my life there are motivators. People are finding success with their careers while I am barely treading water. I really want and need more from my career. I have been scared of change in my career I think. The unknown is scary. But over the past week or so I have had a different approach. I need this, I want this more than ive ever wanted anything. I am going to make it happen. I am going to stay motivated until my dream becomes a reality. I am tired of excuses to myself, I am tired of holding myself back. No longer will I allow that past attitude to dictate what I do in the present. The present is mine to take grasp of so that I can influence my future positively. So, that I can reach my goals. I need to continue to always be proactive in my life. I cant sit back thinking something is going to come to me and change. Because, the fact of the matter is...it will not happen like that. I need to give every part of me to my goal. And, that is what I will do. It is my life and I will be the reason it is a sucessful one.

Freedom From Burden

This is going to sound weird, though it is what it is. I feel like I have gone through a change. I have been a different person over the past two months. I believe I actually may have faultered in my faith. Not completely or willingly, though to an extent I did. Maybe not even that but I have looked at the world differently. I knew I was going to change after Shaun passed. I just hadn't realized that I had until tonight. I talked to God a bit and before I knew it he had me thinking about things I haven't thought about because they are upsetting. Memories from my past that I bottle up and have tried to forget but now I realize that these such things need to be realized In my conscience mind. I need to stop looking at them the way I do. I need to be able to look at my past and see that I want a future without any of that present. In order to do that I have to always put my faith in God. I never hav stopped praying about my life. Though, I need to put more faith in my prayers. Cause the moment I cleared my heart to God I feel brand new. I feel like all that was holding me down before now propels me forward. It's a boost in the direction of what I want from life. Knowing that the Lord will always be there to refresh my heart I can find hope in any situation. I have screwed up a lot over my life, I'm not proud of things I've done. I realize I've hurt people by saying things from a jaded heart and clouded mind. I will never again be that person. My faith is strengthened through my personal trials. My resolve is solid. The Lord as my sheppard I will always be guided through his almighty grace. I believe that the book Acts in the bible is where the last of the Lord's miracles were written about or taken place. Though, he truly does work them everytime our sins are forgiven through his only Son. Our hearts are freed of the weight of sin and our souls are broken free from the chains that would otherwise hold them down. The Lord opened up my heart and mind and freed me from more than just my sin but of a past that sat heavily on my shoulders.

The Future

When I think of the life ahead of me I am excited though lately I am equally stressed out. I've grown up all my life thinking that my father did a great job earning what he has in life. He has always expected me to do better than him and honestly I always thought that it was possible. However, the more I look at my life and today's world the more I begin to understand that the dream he had for me might not be entirely possible. This is kind of a startling realization. It's easy to say times are tough but the sobering fact is what that exactly means. It bluntly means that quality of life might not always be what I see it as today. I pray for no drastic changes but really who knows. Times are changing, that is totally for sure. Let me make no mistake - By no means will I ever give up it is just that other possibilities have become possible realities. I am excited about the future even though that gives me even more reason to worry about providing adequately for my future family. God help me.

A Step Towards Confidence

This world is a scary place filled with difficult decisions. That is a fact. Knowing this is half the battle though. If we understand life is going to be tough and that we are going to have to make decisions that can be scary, for any number of reasons. The scariest of those decisions often have to do with our future or our heart and sometimes both. Though, in order to find happiness, many times, we have to take a leap. Take a leap of faith: in our decision making abilities, in fate, and/or in others. Trust is the key to being sure of that leap, which in return actually makes the leap less of a leap and more of a step in a confident direction.

Dreaming Dreams

Throughout my life I haven't really been able to remember my dreams. Only when they were reoccuring was I able to grasp pieces of them but never really remembered everything. However, the only times I'd wake and remember was when the dream was actually a nightmare. I don't know what that means or if it means anything at all. More likely than not it means nothing. Lately though, over the past month I have been vividly remembering dreams/nightmares. More often than not, nightmares. In fact just last night I woke up gasping for air and very startled. I can't remember that happening to me before. I don't know what has changed for this to happen. If I had to venture a guess I would have to say that my life is perhaps more stressful than it ever has been in the past. With that stress has come a lot of emotions that have been illuminated while I have been sleeping. I guess that's my theory anyway. I don't really know. Whatever.