Motivators

All around my life there are motivators. People are finding success with their careers while I am barely treading water. I really want and need more from my career. I have been scared of change in my career I think. The unknown is scary. But over the past week or so I have had a different approach. I need this, I want this more than ive ever wanted anything. I am going to make it happen. I am going to stay motivated until my dream becomes a reality. I am tired of excuses to myself, I am tired of holding myself back. No longer will I allow that past attitude to dictate what I do in the present. The present is mine to take grasp of so that I can influence my future positively. So, that I can reach my goals. I need to continue to always be proactive in my life. I cant sit back thinking something is going to come to me and change. Because, the fact of the matter is...it will not happen like that. I need to give every part of me to my goal. And, that is what I will do. It is my life and I will be the reason it is a sucessful one.

Freedom From Burden

This is going to sound weird, though it is what it is. I feel like I have gone through a change. I have been a different person over the past two months. I believe I actually may have faultered in my faith. Not completely or willingly, though to an extent I did. Maybe not even that but I have looked at the world differently. I knew I was going to change after Shaun passed. I just hadn't realized that I had until tonight. I talked to God a bit and before I knew it he had me thinking about things I haven't thought about because they are upsetting. Memories from my past that I bottle up and have tried to forget but now I realize that these such things need to be realized In my conscience mind. I need to stop looking at them the way I do. I need to be able to look at my past and see that I want a future without any of that present. In order to do that I have to always put my faith in God. I never hav stopped praying about my life. Though, I need to put more faith in my prayers. Cause the moment I cleared my heart to God I feel brand new. I feel like all that was holding me down before now propels me forward. It's a boost in the direction of what I want from life. Knowing that the Lord will always be there to refresh my heart I can find hope in any situation. I have screwed up a lot over my life, I'm not proud of things I've done. I realize I've hurt people by saying things from a jaded heart and clouded mind. I will never again be that person. My faith is strengthened through my personal trials. My resolve is solid. The Lord as my sheppard I will always be guided through his almighty grace. I believe that the book Acts in the bible is where the last of the Lord's miracles were written about or taken place. Though, he truly does work them everytime our sins are forgiven through his only Son. Our hearts are freed of the weight of sin and our souls are broken free from the chains that would otherwise hold them down. The Lord opened up my heart and mind and freed me from more than just my sin but of a past that sat heavily on my shoulders.

The Future

When I think of the life ahead of me I am excited though lately I am equally stressed out. I've grown up all my life thinking that my father did a great job earning what he has in life. He has always expected me to do better than him and honestly I always thought that it was possible. However, the more I look at my life and today's world the more I begin to understand that the dream he had for me might not be entirely possible. This is kind of a startling realization. It's easy to say times are tough but the sobering fact is what that exactly means. It bluntly means that quality of life might not always be what I see it as today. I pray for no drastic changes but really who knows. Times are changing, that is totally for sure. Let me make no mistake - By no means will I ever give up it is just that other possibilities have become possible realities. I am excited about the future even though that gives me even more reason to worry about providing adequately for my future family. God help me.

A Step Towards Confidence

This world is a scary place filled with difficult decisions. That is a fact. Knowing this is half the battle though. If we understand life is going to be tough and that we are going to have to make decisions that can be scary, for any number of reasons. The scariest of those decisions often have to do with our future or our heart and sometimes both. Though, in order to find happiness, many times, we have to take a leap. Take a leap of faith: in our decision making abilities, in fate, and/or in others. Trust is the key to being sure of that leap, which in return actually makes the leap less of a leap and more of a step in a confident direction.

Dreaming Dreams

Throughout my life I haven't really been able to remember my dreams. Only when they were reoccuring was I able to grasp pieces of them but never really remembered everything. However, the only times I'd wake and remember was when the dream was actually a nightmare. I don't know what that means or if it means anything at all. More likely than not it means nothing. Lately though, over the past month I have been vividly remembering dreams/nightmares. More often than not, nightmares. In fact just last night I woke up gasping for air and very startled. I can't remember that happening to me before. I don't know what has changed for this to happen. If I had to venture a guess I would have to say that my life is perhaps more stressful than it ever has been in the past. With that stress has come a lot of emotions that have been illuminated while I have been sleeping. I guess that's my theory anyway. I don't really know. Whatever.

I Worry

I worry that I will never be good enough. I worry that I will not be the person you want me to be. I worry that whatever I accomplish in my life it might not be enough. I worry. My life hasn't been anything near perfect. I didn't exactly lead the Christian lifestyle until a handful of years ago. A lot of soul searching and finding myself had to take place before I was able to see where my life needed changes. That past that I left behind is gone. You can say that it helped me become the person I am today, however the person I am today is a 180 degree flip. I made mistakes and I know I am judged by some for those mistakes. I judged myself for the longest time after realizing my errors. I still have periods of time when I look back and feel like I let God down. I don't think I would have any peace with my past but fortunitely the Lord entered my life. If he is able to forgive me for my past faults, then I need to be able to do the same. I only pray others can as well. However, I worry that I will struggle with my past because it is still comes up as part of the present and I hope it won't play a detrimental role in my future.

Full Days

Life is lived one day at a time. My brother Shaun taught me that. We can't fast forward or rewind, we can't change the past or tell the future. Living our lives for the day at hand is all we have. We decide how we are going to spend that day and it is up to each of us to make it count. Determining what is worthwhile is also up to each individual. Only in time are we able to see with hindsight whether or not our past time was used well. Some of us have more days to look back on than others. Though, I've come to realize that a persons life isn't determined by the number of days lived but how we use those days. I am unlike my buddy Shaun in the regard that I truly believe he spent each of his days enjoying life. I think a lot of us are guilty of getting caught up in the routineness of life, stringing days and weeks together. He had it down though. He enjoyed the simplicity of what made him happy. The little things: spending time with his girlfriend and loved ones, playing all types of games, and in anyway he could retain his spirit of youth; such as dancing. At the end of my days when I am looking back over my past life I want to be able to know I have lived my days just as Shaun had. To the fullest. Here's to you brother, here's to living full days, full of love for all that we should enjoy.