To The Future

I don't really know what change I need in my life... probably much more than one thing. Though, I am again moving out of Oxford. My situation here has been taken care of for the most part and don't need to be here anymore. So, I am looking at places in Danbury and Bethel. I believe that part of my lack of happiness has been being held down here when there isn't much for me around here anymore. I want to be around people that are genuinely good, and that have the right motivation in life. I want to be around the people I know are good, true friends...that is why I am sacrificing a longer trip to work to live in the Danbury area. With my schedule the way it is I only have to drive to work three times a week anyhow. Those three times will even be cut down to two. This is because I will stay at my grandmothers house in Shelton on the 8 hour "sleep break" I have between two of my 16 hour shifts. So, in reality I am only giving up about 4 hours of time off a week for the distance change in driving. I can easily handle that if my time off becomes better for me. By that I mean...usefully/relaxing/stress free or at least less stressful. Moving out was going to happen soon anyhow because my house will be on the market anyhow within the next couple of months. So, instead of dealing with the move out then I am being proactive about it and looking for places now. I want a place I can call home again... for awhile now where I am at hasn't felt like home... more as a place I was living between stages of my life. well, here's to the future.

Just Try

I wish I had more people in my life that tried to understand me. I wish I had more people that wanted to be/were there for me. Not only when I am down but all the time. I wish I had more people that cared for the right reasons. Honestly, on a day to day basis there are not that many people out there. It is what it is I guess but I have always said don't judge me unless you know me. By 'know me' I don't just mean you are my friend and we hang out sometimes. I mean know my life, know what I am going through, know what tortments me, what makes me happy, and how I deal with those extremes and everything in between. There are so many of you out there I consider great friends, and there are more and more I use to consider close friends that have pulled away for one reason or another. I do believe a lot of those reasons are my fault, know that. Though, a true friend never leaves someone when they need them most. If you are asking yourself how would I know 'you' need me, there are signs, there are actions, there are times if you take a minute to think about it to tell when your friend (or myself) is down and out. Or hurting and just needs someone to understand/to try and understand/ to talk to/ to just be there. I thank the few people in this God awful world that stay close to the people in their lives that need it most, that try to understand even if its just with sympathy... because not many of us can actually put ourselves in someone elses shoes to empathize unless they have been there. It stikes me as irresponsible to not at least try. Brothers, friends, family be there for the people in your lives at all times. Be a crutch to help someone up, be a shoulder to cry on, have strong arms to hold someone. Be a friend. Now, I am certainly not saying I am a prime example for I have failed at being a friend as well in this regard. I realize that and truly try and be the best I can for others. Though, I am only human...we all are. I put it on everyone (including myself) to try harder to be more for those out there who need us. Just try. It will go further than you could ever expect. And, one day it will find itself full circle when you need the same act of friendship.

Love Is Life

I have been living a life that I didn't want to live. I have been someone I didn't want to be. I never thought that my life would have gotten away from me the way it has. The choices I have made during the past few years have been selfish and stupid. Selfish, because I haven't always thought about others and I have done what I believed would make me happy. Stupid, because I didn't think about the true consequences of my ways. It is really difficult for me to say that I regret those choices based on all I believe about how making wrong choices eventually makes us better people. Though, I truly wish I could go back in time and undo one or two of the major mistakes I have made. I don't know if that makes me weak because I am dwelling on what could have been but honestly if that is a label I get for doing this, so be it. Though, maybe this "weakness" will help me prevent situations like those of the past. I am always trying to learn a lesson from my misfortunes though I am getting sick and tired of trying to look at the good side of bad, because when it comes down to it BAD is still BAD.

Really though, I am starting to get worried that life has passed me by... that all I had was the best it could have been and I threw it all out because I was scared and whatever else. I pray that I get one more chance to make this life what I want and know it could be. I am 25 years old... I wanted a lot more out of life (and had it but lost it so I know it exists). I don't mean possesions like a house, or sweet cars. By "a lot" I mean a fulfilling life. And by a fulfilling life I mean... love.

The Burden Of Waiting

Faith. It's what I got. I just wonder when my prayers are going to be answered. I know that God will reveal my life to me when he feels I am ready and also when it is the proper time according to his plan. Knowing this though is such a burden.

Friendship

People who you can actually rely on come into our lives very seldom. I have a few people in my life that I truly believe would be there for me through anything. Also, that these people would go out of their way for me and do whatever they could to help me out. I want them to know that I really do appreciate that friendship we share. Love you guys

Consistently Happy?

I need to find happiness again. While I have had good days and bad days, I haven't had consistency with happiness in a very long time. I would say it has been about two years since I woke up happy and went to bed happy, day in and day out. Everything has been stacking up on top of me. It honestly is getting overwhelming. If you know me you probably know of some of the things I am going through. Though, that is not where I want this post to go. The point of this post is suppose to be... realizing what makes you happy and going for it... So, with that being said, what has made me happy in the past has been being in a relationship I care about. For the past two years I have been in and out of relationships nothing that has ever really developed into anything more than dating. Maybe, because I wasn't ready or other reasons I really don't know. However, whatever my approach to relationships has been for the past few years I am throwing out the window. I need to try something new for my sake. I can not keep traveling down the same dead ends. I need to pursue situations that actually have a shot at making sense. I have been doing one of two things...trying to make something work, that simply won't or dating someone just because I hope that I will close a gap in my life. Both of these are horrible for me and both end up badly. I need to grow up in this aspect of my life...I am going to work on it...no more foolishness.

Facts Are Facts

For the last couple months I have been trying to fool myself with a lot of different things. I think that this type of behavior happens a lot. The more I think about my actions and past decisions, the more I believe that I have been tricking myself. I have been pursuing paths that probably do not make much sense in the sceme of my life. It is because of this false hope I have been giving myself, that I am in the state I am now. That state being, uncertain. I need to start realizing that things are the way they are and some things can not be changed no matter how much I believe they can. Facts are facts. Even as I write this, however, I find myself doubting I will change my train of thought. Hope is still something that is nearly impossible to turn your back on. As much as I would like to move onto different avenues in my life that hope still sits in the back of my head. I mean this in a bunch of different situations... jobs, family, relationships, friends, etc. But, I guess realizing that the facts of our lives are indeed truths is the first step in understanding change needs to be made from the current state of mind.