What Doesn't Kill Us...

God works in mysterious ways... it is so difficult so understand his intentions while living in the moment but through each trial he still leads us through. if God brings you to it he will bring you through it. that single saying has given me more strenght than i could have ever imagined. becuase of that alone i believe that each experience truly makes us stronger and more ready to deal with tomorrow.

A Lot Can Happen In a Month

A lot has been happening in my life over the past month or so.  First, my computer had broken so that is why I haven’t updated in awhile.  I recently purchased a new laptop it is pretty awesome.  I am very happy with it so far.  Anyhow, the events of this month and the results of each event have been very significant.  A couple weeks ago I came down with H1N1 and somehow got a bad secondary infection both of which almost killed me.  I wasn’t able to leave my room for over ten days.  It really was the most sick I had ever been.  It took two doctor offices, a emergency room and a dentist to finally understand fully how to get me back to health.  I’d like to point out that I do not have health insurance.  Needless to say then is that getting sick cost me well over $1000 in doctor bills and medicine alone, not to forget to mention the two weeks pay I missed at work.  America and its health insurance system is probably the most bogus ass backwards, legal robbery system that I can think of.  $250 to walk into a doctor office? Are you kidding me?  Like I totally understand doctors wanting to make money after all they went through to get that title but wouldn’t it make a little more sense to drop your prices for those without insurance at least to something more reasonable?  You can still collect tons from insurance companies.  I don’t know.  Whatever… in a word that experience sucked. 

Then, Matt finally ended up leaving to Florida.  He drove to Virginia put himself and his truck on a train and arrived in Florida safely. While I am proud of him for getting out of this town and starting his life off, it sucks knowing he is so far away.  Even while he was at college if we wanted to get together it was only a three hour drive but now its a little more intense.  I just have a feeling I am going to miss my best friend more and more as time goes on.  Just going to have to deal with that in my own way I guess.  All the guys and myself did pitch in for an xbox as a going away present.  That way we can all play games together online and still talk a lot.  So, that will be good. 

Next, I decided that I wasn’t happy how I was living my life.  For the past few years I have forgotten about me.  I haven’t done much that made me happy.  I have been busy trying to please other people.  I had thought that if the people around me were happy because of things I would do I, in return would be happy.  I was wrong.  Looking back over the past 1-2 years I lost what made me so strong.  I lost the defining qualities that made me who I was back in college.  I lost the person that I was happy with, the person that I saw looking back at me in the mirror and was proud to see.  Realizing these things was a lot harder than it seems but now that I have.  My temperament and demeanor have changed.  My outlook on life and what I want out of it has changed.  I wouldn’t say that I have the exact take on life as I did a few years ago.  But based on that outlook I can see a lot more clearly.  That outlook is… watch out for ME, live each day for ME (and God), do what makes ME happy, and then everyone else.  I honestly do not care if that sounds selfish because I realized that is how 99% of people are anyhow.  If you look at yourself and your actions you are most certainly the exact same way.  You can say no Rob you are wrong I am in that 1% but i find that highly doubtful.  You see the things you do how you want to see them.  But to someone like me who is somewhat jaded I can find the meaning behind what your actual intent had been. 

Then came Christmas.  Probably the weirdest Christmas I have had to date.  Matt was in Florida, parents are split.  Yeah definitely weird.  So, my dad and I still ended up going to New Hampshire to meet up with some of his extended family.  In the past, Christmas in New Hampshire with them was the high light of each year.  Unfortunately the Christmas scene has changed there.  Some of the family isn’t really able to make it out anymore; having growing families of there own and a bunch of little kids now making it difficult to travel.  So, I totally understand.  However, it just kind of sucks to see this change go on.  Usually, I am good with change but not with this.  I love these people more than anything and in the past few years sometimes we will only see each other once a year.  It is a total bummer.  Anyhow, so only three families were able to make it out for Christmas.  Though, almost everyone did show up for a day the day I had to leave for work.  At least I got to see everyone for an hour or two before I had to leave.  The shitty part though is that this was probably the one time this year I will see everyone.  I mean it is what it is… I hope we are able to find a way to make this situation better.  I pray. 

So, this month has been filled with ups and downs… mostly downs.  But it also has been enlightening.  A lot can happen in a month and it sure has.  Hopefully, the bad stuff is behind me and this new year has more to offer than 2009 which kind of blew. 

Back To Me

So, in recent months I really haven’t been the person I want to be. Some where along the way I changed from who I was…the defining qualities have seemed to fade. I have let myself slip in many ways. I recently have been trying to reinvent myself. I know I need something different in my life; the problem is determining what it is. My reinventing myself I don’t only mean changing the things I do to different things… I mean the way that I think and come to conclusions, the way I deal with problems, the way I feel about important things in my life including what those important things are and most importantly becoming someone who I want to be.

Reaching Your Peak

You know how everyone peaks at some point in their lives? Lately I have been feeling as if I have peaked and now everything else from here on out will be down hill. High school was decent and I definitely did not peak during my four years their. My potential was not even close to reached. Community College was slightly better but it wasn’t until living in Danbury for three years that I believe I may have reached my “peak”. College at Westconn opened me up to the world and everything that it had to offer. I took full advantage of every opportunity that was thrown at me. I was living large and having a blast. Everything was going my way and I was able to create my own happiness. Which is truly the key to a successful life. You need to know what makes you happy and how to attain those things. Without this double threat we are continuously searching for more and more. What is more and more? To me, more is… more out of life…we keep looking for something that could make us happy but the fact is 99.9% of people know what makes them happy but don’t go for it for a variety of reasons. Which I will not get into. Anyhow, I know what makes me happy and I plan on going after it all and forgetting about the “reasons” not to. I feel like I need to start a new chapter of my life and being again. I need to peak again at this time in my life and once I peak… start over new again and again. Always peeking and even settling for anything less than that peak. Peaking as I have called it is more or less settling mental, and emotional goals for myself. At least on ‘paper’ this sounds like a good idea and I think I am going to spend some time thinking about this more and putting it into some sort of action.

Priorities

Lately I have been feeling that I am way to nice of a person in like all situations that perhaps I shouldn’t be. I am too forgiving, too laid back and accepting. I need to start throwing caution away and doing what I want regardless of the outcome for other people. Yeah that sounds selfish I know. Every now and then everyone is selfish and I never am it is my turn to start doing a little more taking and a little less giving. Though, I have zero idea how to even put this plan into action and even while I was writing this I didn’t believe it. So, whatever who knows. I need to change something though. I need to transform back to the mentality I had when I was like 19-20. I just didn’t give a shit. Maybe that is the easiest solution…simply stop caring about certain things.

A Lonely Night

When staring at the ceiling on a lonely night
Trying to keep my thoughts controlled with all my might
Skipping one then on to the next
Seems to me my life must be hexed

The window cracked open
The cool air rushing in
Thousands of stars in the sky
Just as many questions, I ask myself why?

The moon light bright
Things appear now that I have the gift of sight
Shadows stretch across the wall
Does life have any meaning at all?

To love, to hate
The people we meet, is it fate?
I don’t know if I believe
Since all things someday leave

Today, tomorrow or at the end of it all
Even the strongest will someday fall
So let's make the best of it
If the piece doesn't fit

It doesn't have to be precise
Merely nothing in this world is perfect and nice
Flip it over, turn it around
The right fit will be found


...wrote that back in 2003...

Lack Of Holiday Spirit

This is usually my favorite time of the year. I love fall. I love the chilly air and the crisp cool nights. Looking forward to the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. For the past handful of years I have been genuinely happy during these few months. Though, this year I already feel a sense of depression. Not the kind of depression that won’t let you get out of bed in the morning. Just that feeling that seems to follow you around and slightly damper your mood. Sits on your shoulders and weights you down slowly. I am pretty sure I know what it is… in fact I believe it is a few different things that have unfortunately come together this fall/holiday season. To begin, my brother is like my best friend in the entire world. We have been through so much together probably more than average siblings. And while sometimes we don’t get along I love him more than anything. Though, this year he has decided that when he finishes school in December he is immediately moving to Florida. I know that we are growing up and all but it is just difficult and saddening to know he will be so far away. On the same level… with my parents split or whatever the whole family thing has seemed to disappear. I don’t know I am slightly afraid for the first time in my life I could wake up on Christmas and not have any family around. I guess that will depend on some other factors though. My family usually goes to New Hampshire for a family reunion for Christmas though the past few years it has been iffy whether or not we are going to continue this tradition. Right now I think that some of the family will be meeting there but with Christmas failing on a Friday I have to work on Christmas and the two days following it. So, unless people travel to New Hampshire Tuesday or Wednesday before Christmas I have a decent shot of possibly only seeing my mom or dad or even neither depending on circumstances. On top of all that drama / hell this will be my first Christmas season since I was 18 (so six years ago) to not have a girl in my life to spend time with or celebrate / give gifts to. I don’t know why that bothers me so much because hopefully it won’t be like this forever, but I usually really get into the holiday spirit and all. So, with all of these things combining I am actually feeling slightly down. I don’t know what I can do to proactively make it better for myself but hopefully in the end it somehow all works out.